Being productive doesn’t mean getting everything done. I know it sounds a little like organizational heresy but you need to admit the truth (at least to yourself): You can’t get everything done.The more you try the less you really end up accomplishing.  True productivity means working on the right tasks. Identifying the right task in the moment when the phone is ringing, your email notification is blowing up and your boss is standing in your doorway asking if you’ve finished that report yet, can be very difficult to do. That’s why so many of us spend so much of our time engaged in activities that don’t really add the value that we might like. We’re busy, we’re getting things done, but we aren’t accomplishing the things that will make a difference. Sometimes it can feel as if we are a race horse with blinders on, coming out of the starting gate in the morning, running full-out around the track throughout the day, only to end up back at the starting line when we finish.

There is a better way. It requires two things: Planning and Discipline.

When I ask people if they plan their own work they invariably say yes. Then when we explore it, it turns out that the planning is usually limited to making “to do” lists – often times multiple lists, some of which are written on post-it notes and attached to their computers. A few of the people I talk to go a step beyond the list. They schedule items on their calendar. There’s nothing wrong with scheduling or lists, but they aren’t enough.

There are three types of planning you need to engage in to dramatically boost your own productivity:

• Personal Strategic Planning
• Weekly Alignment & Activity Scheduling
• Daily Calibration

1) Personal Strategic Planning

Organizations engage in strategic planning. They identify who they are and what’s important to them. They formulate long-term goals and decide on strategies to accomplish those goals. The reason they do those things is because it pays off for them in the long run. They are better able to direct their talent and resources. They are more successful. You need to do the same type of planning to help you identify the best use of your time and energy.

You need to figure out who you are and what is most important to you. How is beyond the scope of this post, but I will tell you what you should focus on. Identify your most important roles and goals.

We all play a lot of different roles. I’m a father – husband – son – coach – friend – teacher – neighbor – a musician (at least in my own mind) …. the list goes on and on. But some of those roles are more important than others. What are your key roles? Don’t forget to consider both your personal and your professional lives. Stay balanced. And in addition to the role, identify who your stakeholders are and how you want to be and be seen.

For example, one of my key roles is to be a Supportive Parent. Now, we all have paradigms and baggage about what being a Parent is all about. But I’ve had to peel back those layers to identify what it really means to me.

How do I want to be with my children? Relaxed, natural, genuine, helpful are some words that come to mind right away.

How do I want to be seen by my children? I want to be seen as caring and loving. I want to be seen as offering unconditional support.

It’s important to recognize that how I want to be, and be seen, can both be aspirational. My kids will be the first to tell you that I am not always helpful, that they don’t always see me as caring or offering unconditional support. But by clearly identifying and articulating those behaviors here, I can work to make them more a part of who I am on a daily basis. And for each of the roles you identify, set goals to help move you forward.

2) Weekly Alignment & Activity Scheduling

It can be tough to stay true to what’s important with the urgencies and pressures that bombard you throughout the week.  You need to realign yourself to your most important priorities on a regular basis.

Take ten minutes to review those roles and goals at the start of every week. Refresh your memory about how you want to be and what you want to achieve. Ask yourself “what can I do this week to move towards who I want to be”? Identify one or two activities that will add value to each role you’ve captured. They don’t have to be large projects, just activities that will help you move in a positive direction. Being truly productive is often a matter of doing the right small things. Identify what you can do that week to further those roles and goals. Then schedule your ideal week. Studies show that actually scheduling an activity increases the likelihood that you will accomplish it. Once you’ve identified those value-added activities for the upcoming week, pull out your calendar – paper, smartphone, notebook, whatever you use – and allocate time on the calendar to actually do it. Create a time block to accomplish it.

3) Daily Calibration

Things never work out exactly the way we anticipated. So, you need to review and recalibrate your weekly plan every day. Ask yourself questions like: What didn’t I get done yesterday that I need to carry over to today? What new issues have come up? How important are they? If new issues have come up, or an activity that needs to get done didn’t, don’t just put it on a “to-do” list that you may or may not get to. Block out time for it. Put it on the calendar.

Those three steps – Personal Strategic Planning, Weekly Alignment & Activity Scheduling and Daily Calibration can make a major difference in your personal productivity, if you live them.

Living them will always be a test. It’s hard to change habits. It requires discipline – the ability to do what you know needs to be done even when you don’t want to do it. Discipline can be painful. But as the legendary Jim Rohn, wrote “We must all suffer one of two things: The pain of discipline or the pain of regret. The difference is that discipline weighs ounces while regret weighs tons”.

Let me give you two names: Hillary Clinton & Donald Trump. We are in the home stretch of a Presidential election campaign here in the US. I don’t know how it’s going to turn out but I do think each of the candidates has demonstrated a basic fallacy of human thinking. That is, while we like to think of ourselves as logical, rational creatures, we aren’t.

Let me just offer one example for each candidate ( if you want to wallow in misery read: Complete List – Top 10 Donald Trump Failures  or What Was Hilary Thinking). Donald Trump chose to engage in a war of words with Gold Star Parents who lost their son in Iraq. Hillary Clinton chose to use a personal email server as Secretary of State, despite that fact that it is an unsecure way to communicate state secrets. They are both intelligent, successful people. But when you look at some of their actions from the outside you may be tempted to ask “what were they thinking”? The thing is, that despite being intelligent and successful, they are no different from you and I in at least one regard. We all make bad decisions.

Sometimes the bad decision is a small one. Like signing up with the wrong cell phone carrier or buying that shirt that looks great in the store but never comes out of your closet. Other times the bad decision can cost millions of dollars or end up getting people killed. We’re not as logical as you might imagine – or hope.

As Anais Nin said “We don’t see the world the way it is, we see it the way we are.” All our decisions are made within the context of our own paradigms. The way we see the world affects what we see and what we focus on. When we make a decision it’s made with all of our emotions and biases operating beneath the surface in the subconscious, so much of the time we make less than rational, less than optimal, decisions.  As it is unfolding, we probably aren’t even aware how the decision traps hardwired into our perceptual and cognitive systems may be leading us down the wrong path.

Here are 5 ways we can end up making the wrong decision.

1) We Tend To Form Opinions Based On Our Beliefs And Then Look For Data That Supports Them.

Let’s stay with the election cycle. Hillary supporters tend to look for information that paints her in a positive light. Trump supporters do the same. And both groups look for information that portrays the other candidate in a negative light. When we fall into that pattern we only look for and remember data that supports our position. That limits our objectivity and we often miss important information. It’s called confirmation bias.

By not seeking out objective facts, interpreting information in a way that only supports our existing beliefs, and only remembering details that uphold our beliefs, we often miss important information that might have otherwise influenced our decision on which candidate to support.

2) We Can Totally Misread The Likelihood Of An Event Occurring

The decision trap is called Gamblers Fallacy or the Monte Carlo Fallacy because on August 18, 1913, at the casino in Monte Carlo, black came up a record twenty-six times in a row on the roulette wheel. After the fifteenth time, players started doubling and tripling their bets on red because they believed that there was not a chance in the world of another black coming up. They were wrong because they failed to understand statistical independence: Two events are statistically independent when the occurrence of one has no statistical effect upon the occurrence of the other. For example: It would be statistically very rare to flip a coin 15 times and have it come up heads all 15 times. But each time I flip the coin I do have a 50% chance of it coming up heads.

Gambler’s Fallacy doesn’t only affect our chances of getting rich at roulette. It affects many of the decisions that we make. According to Daniel Chen and his colleagues about 9 % of loan applications are subject to this type of bias. Let’s say a bank officer is reviewing loan application and approves 7 in a row. Subconsciously they may change how they look at the next application. They may start to feel that they are becoming too lax in their criteria and they may very well focus on something in the next application to exclude it. So if you are applying for a loan, that means you may have about a 1 in 10 chance of having it rejected because of the cognitive bias of the loan officer.

3) We May Be Hardwired To View Events And People Through A Negative Filter

We seem to process and weigh information in an asymmetrical way. Our brains seem to be hardwired – from an evolutionary perspective – to pay more attention to what’s wrong, rather than what’s right. Our brains have evolved to be fearful.

We probably developed that way to be able to quickly identify potential threats, but we don’t live in the same type of world in which we evolved.  In today’s world, that negativity trap causes us to react more intensely to what we perceive as being wrong in a situation and to think of people and issues through the same type of filter. We can end up making an irrational decision to avoid the potential losses rather than for the potential benefits.

Think about how it affects your relationships. If you are a manager or leader, you are probably much more inclined to notice what people do wrong rather than what they do right. That may affect how you assign work, how you complete a direct report’s performance appraisal and it will certainly have an impact on how you relate to them.  Outside of work it can have a tremendous impact on how we decide to interact with the people in our lives.

4) We Tend To See Our Kind As Better

We tend to evaluate and see the group we identify with more favorably than other groups. That could be white versus black, Democrat versus Republican, Philadelphia eagle fan versus NY Giants fan, you get the drift, right? It’s an intergroup bias decision trap. Think about the impact of that bias on how we interact with others: Prejudice, Stereotyping, Discrimination, Wars.

Increasingly, what we do at work requires interdepartmental collaboration and integration. We have to work across functional boundaries to access other’s knowledge and acumen to generate innovative solutions for difficult challenges. The Us versus Them mentality that accompanies intergroup bias can make that very difficult. Innovation and synergy require differences. When we reject those differences, because we see our side as better, we limit our organizational effectiveness.

5) We Often Feel Compelled To Throw Good Time, Money And Effort After Bad.

When is enough, enough? We can have a hard time recognizing that it is time to pull the plug on a project, or a relationship for that matter. We can experience an Escalation of Commitment.

Our original decision to start a project, or to get involved in a relationship, may have been well thought out and rational. But the more we invest in it, the harder it is to extricate our self. Our sense of self-worth gets caught up in the issue and we rationalize and justify our decision to continue to invest in it.

Robert Campeau is a self-made made man who worked his way up from an eighth grade education to being a multimillionaire real estate developer. His accomplishments took intelligence, hard work and good thinking. Back in the late 80’s he got involved in a highly public bidding war with Macy’s over Federated Department Stores – the parent company of Bloomingdale’s. It turned out to be the largest and most visible retail merger in history at the time. By March 25th, The Wall Street Journal (3/25/88) observed that ‘we’re not dealing in price anymore but egos. What’s been offered is top dollar, and beyond what anyone expected’. On March 31st, with Macy’s on the verge of winning the bidding war, Campeau approached Macy’s with an eleventh-hour compromise. Macey’s refused, so Campeau escalated. He topped Macy’s offer by $500 million. He won the battle but lost the war. He ended up making the deal, but because of the debt service, those department stores – which had been very profitable – had to declare bankruptcy.

Those are examples of just five decision traps. Behavioral scientists have identified well over a hundred other biases and distortions that can affect our ability to make good decisions. I know some of you are thinking, “that’s interesting but those biases don’t affect my thinking”. There’s actually a decision trap that leads you to think that way. It’s called illusory superiority. If you ask 100 people to rate their driving ability 90% are likely to rate themselves above average.

So, the bottom line is that we have some potential holes in our thinking. But the good news is that we can do something about them. Despite all of the distortions and biases we can learn to think better. Critical Thinking is a skill, like driving a car, playing golf or dancing. By understanding where the potential decision traps lie we can see things as they really are, more accurately evaluate issues and draw better conclusions.

Management is about getting things done through and with others. When things aren’t getting done the way that they should, it can be a real challenge to turn the situation around. And there is usually a pretty steep price to pay in the process.

It is also big time drain for the manager. There is only so much time to go around. The time that the manager spends working to help solve the performance problem is time that they can’t use elsewhere.

But maybe the biggest cost is an emotional one. Performance problems can take a pretty steep emotional toll – on everybody who is involved. It is not unusual for a manager to carry that emotional baggage home with them, to think about – maybe even obsess about – the issue outside of work. They literally, lose sleep.

And let’s not forget about what the issue may be doing to the employee. Sometimes, when we are working with an ongoing performance problem we can start to lose awareness of how the issue is affecting the employee. We can start to see them as being the problem, rather than as having a problem to solve. When we do that we can end up on a slippery slope that can create a self-fulfilling prophecy. Rather than working with the employee to solve the problem together, we can end up creating an “Us versus Them” conflict, which is probably not going to end well. It can leave both the manager and the employee feeling as if they are victims.

Performance problems come in different flavors:

• Type 1: Substandard Work Performance
• Type 2: Problem Work Behavior
• Type 3: Not performing up to potential

Stop The Pain

There are two parts to a successful resolution. The first part – the most direct part – is to get them to improve what they need to improve, or stop what they need to stop. Simply put: Stop the pain. The substandard performance improves, the problem behavior goes away, they start performing up to their potential.

 Maintain (or improve) the Relationship

Ideally, there’s another part to a successful resolution. Maintain, or even improve the relationship. Managers and employees are dependent on one another. Think about the impact that your boss has on your life – how they affect what you do on a daily basis and how you feel about coming to work. If you talk to the people in HR about why employees quit their jobs, you’ll hear from many of them that it is directly related to their manager. A 2007 study at Florida State University involving 700 employees affirmed what we already knew. It is an old saying – people don’t leave their jobs they leave their manager.

It is not a one-way street. A problem employee can make a manager’s life a living nightmare. Since you as a manager are dependent on the employee – it is in your interest to work to create a positive relationship. One that is characterized by:

• Rapport
• Understanding
• Trust

Both stopping the pain and maintaining the relationship are essential for a successful resolution of the problem. Let’s take first things first. In this post I want to focus on a key aspect of stopping the pain.

The first step is in assessing the cause of the problem. There is a saying in architecture that form follows function. Things should look like what they are supposed to do. The best way to resolve a performance problem depends on what you are trying to influence – the cause of the problem. Imagine how it would be if you were feeling unwell and you went to your family doctor. Before you got two words out of your mouth he / she handed you a bottle of pills and told you to “take two every four hours”. Ridiculous! We all recognize that the best treatment for any symptom depends on the underlying disease or cause.

It is the same way with a performance problem. Effectively solving an employee performance problem depends on your ability to identify its underlying cause.

• Why is the employee doing what they are doing?

• Why aren’t they doing what you want them to?

Diagnosing the cause of the problem is the most important step. Everything else – all the actions that you take to resolve the issue – should flow from that diagnosis.

To help you diagnose, let me give you 5 possible reasons for performance problems.

1. Lack of Knowledge, Skill or Experience

All of those contribute to a lack of ability for whatever the task at hand is.

I know that it sounds completely obvious but you have to know how to perform a task before we can have a reasonable expectation that you will be able to perform it successfully. You must have the required knowledge, skill and experience.

While it sounds obvious, we can overlook it for a number of reasons

• We assume they should know – but they don’t
• They Think That They Know – But Don’t
• We approach it from with a Global Bias: They are good at other tasks so we assume they will be good at this task
• Telling isn’t Training: You’ve told them what to do, but you haven’t trained them how to do it.
• They have a lack of aptitude for this particular task.          

Strategy: Once you have determined that the cause of the problem is because of a lack of knowledge, skill, or experience the solution is pretty straightforward. You’ve got to teach them how to do it. Setting clear expectations and then providing training and coaching are the keys. Break the assignment into smaller pieces that are manageable and then supervise closely.

2) Lack of Awareness

Another possible cause is that they simply may not be aware that they should be doing a particular task or engaging in a particular behavior. There is a great deal of data that points to managers and employees not always being aligned in their understanding of expectations. How have you communicated the expectation? Could there be ambiguity? Might they have misunderstood?

Strategy: If it is a lack of awareness – great! That is a problem that is easily solved. Build the expectation into their performance plan. Identify a specific Key Result Area, set a goal for it and then manage the plan. Build in checkpoints and alignment discussions to make sure that the message is clear.

3) Lack of Motivation

The first two possible causes are pretty straightforward to deal with. A more challenging potential cause to resolve is the employee’s motivation. I am not talking about general engagement as much as I am talking about task specific motivation. How motivated is the employee to engage in the behaviors that you want? Again, just like with knowledge and skill you need to look at motivation from a task specific perspective.

Motivation is unique to the individual. What motivates me isn’t necessarily the same thing that motivates you. But one thing we both have in common is that we tend to do things for our own reasons and motivations. As you are looking at, and trying to assess an employee performance problem, ask yourself: What is in it for them? Why should they do it? Are they rewarded for not doing it in some fashion?

One of the very loud signals of a potential motivation cause is a change in performance or behavior. Have they been successful at the task in the past? Have they always followed the policy up until now? Is the problem behavior something new? All of those changes raise the possibility of a motivation problem.

Strategy: There is no simple answer for a motivational issue, but there are better strategies. Telling them they need to do it – or else – may get compliance, but it is unlikely to lead to commitment. Directing them how to perform the task will just be a waste of your time and theirs. They already know how to do it. The better strategy is to engage them in a dialogue to uncover the reasons behind their lack of interest in performing that particular task. Point out the performance issue in a tactful way, express an interest in helping them improve and then get them talking about their perspective. When they’ve clarified their concerns don’t prescribe a solution. It will be more likely to “stick” if the solution comes from them. Ask them how they plan on resolving the issue. For more ideas about motivational issues take a look at http://www.drjosephreed.com/the-single-most-…loyee-motivation/.

4) Lack of Confidence

Another reason that employees may not do what they are supposed to do is that they lack confidence in their knowledge and ability to do it successfully. There is a difference between confidence and competence. You’ll see this play out most of the time as employees are learning how to perform a new task. As they work on it, as they start to understand how to do it, you will often find that their knowledge and their ability progress faster than their confidence in their ability.

• When that happens they will ask questions that you know they already have the answers to
• They will appear to be hesitant to try new things or take risks
• They will ask you for advice and direction – despite the fact they know how to perform the activity
• They will doubt them themselves

Strategy: If confidence is lacking, the manager’s job is to help build it back up. You can’t do that by providing answers, solving their problems or providing direction about how to do things. It’s also not a good idea to throw the team member into the deep end of the pool and expect them to be able to swim. Don’t expect them to work through it on their own. When an associate lacks confidence they engage in self-doubt. That self-doubt may actually prevent them from using the knowledge and skill that they have. It can mask their confidence. What you need to do in those circumstances is to engage the employee in a dialogue. Ask them questions and get them to arrive at their own solutions. Get them to hear their own voice as they solve their own problems. That will build confidence.

So far I’ve identified 4 possible causes of performance problems:Knowledge/Skill, Awareness, Motivation and Confidence

But there is one more reason that you have to consider.

5) Is it out of their control?

You shouldn’t hold people accountable for issues that are out of their control. Ask yourself:

• Do they have the necessary resources?
• Is it the system itself that is preventing them from performing?
• Are there conflicting expectations getting in the way?

Strategy: If it really is out of their control, then it is up to you to make the situation right:

• Remove The Obstacle
• Provide The Resources
• Develop A Work Around
• Change The Expectation

In this post I’ve described 5 possible causes for employee performance problems. The first step in solving a performance problem is to identify its cause. It is the most important step in the process. If you misdiagnose the cause you will be solving the wrong problem.

That dynamic plays out regardless of if the issue is a Health Club, a restaurant, a blog post or a relationship. Every interaction we have is affected by our expectations. And our satisfaction or dissatisfaction occurs even if our expectation is illogical or as uninformed as my implicit assumption about when the new Health Club would open its doors on Sunday. Yeah it was my own fault for not looking at the Sunday hours before I joined. But that didn’t stop me from being upset and disappointed with the Gym when the reality hit me. And it won’t stop your customers, your boss, your spouse or friends from being unhappy and dissatisfied when their implicit expectations about you – or your business – aren’t met, either. Which is an important point. Even if someone’s expectation is ill-conceived or illogical, (or like in my case, their own fault) if it’s not met, they will still be disappointed. And that disappointment can lead to a loss of trust in the relationship and maybe to a loss of business.

• If you are running a business, setting clear expectations is important for customer satisfaction. If your customers believe that your business will be doing something, and you don’t do it, good luck. You’ll have an unhappy customer. It’s one reason that an upscale hotel might receive lower ratings than a budget motel. While the upscale facility is observable better than the economy property, expectations for the luxury hotel may have been unrealistically high and not met.
• If you’re a manager, do your team members really understand what’s expected of them? Do you know what they expect from you? Have you worked through the differences to arrive at a clear understanding and agreement? If not, their level of motivation and engagement will probably suffer. That happens more often than you might imagine. According to research at the Gallup organization, only about half of employees believe that they know what is expected of them at work.
• As a parent, the expectations you establish – implicitly or explicitly – with your children communicate mountains of information to them. Clear expectations about their behavior and effort and their responsibilities within the family lead to better long-term relationships. Expectations in areas that they have less control over – like the outcomes you expect them to achieve or the abilities you believe they should develop – can lead to relationship problems.
• And for the rest of us, working to establish clear expectations with the people we work and live with is an essential – and often overlooked part – of building and maintaining strong relationships. One of the biggest withdrawals from the relationship bank account occurs when one or both sides in a relationship feel as if a basic expectation has not been met. It destroys the lifeblood of the relationship – Trust.

It could be as simple as expecting your significant other to call you at night before they go to bed when they travel. When they don’t, the voices start inside your head. Why haven’t they called? Are they ok? Don’t they want to talk to me? Meanwhile your significant other, who had a busy day and had no idea of the expectation, is blissfully unaware and fast asleep. Over time, even unmet expectations about seemingly little things can have a profound impact on the trust in the relationship.

Our work relationships are also built on expectations. Arriving at a common understanding with the people you interact with at work is an important relationship management strategy.

Reaching agreements with them about goals, communication, how you will work together and workplace behaviors will help put a foundation for trust in place.

Unfortunately, instead of having those conversations we often assume and act as if we share a common purpose and understanding. Maybe we act that way because we really believe it, or perhaps because we are uncomfortable confronting and talking about potential differences. Whatever the reasons, when misunderstandings inevitably occur, (and they almost always do) not only does performance suffer, but also the relationship. Blaming, disappointment and recrimination lead to less effective relationships.

So what can you do about it?

Here are 9 steps to get in front of the expectation gap.

1) Recognize the importance of expectations. Take the time – and the courage – to bring them into the open

2) Be clear in your own mind about what your expectations are. If you can’t articulate them to yourself, there’s no way they can be clear to the people you work or live with.

3) Identify the “why” of your expectations. What purpose do they serve? Are they rational and logical or are they based in emotion?

4) Make time to specifically talk about expectations with the people with whom you will be interacting. Those conversations can sometimes be a little daunting. Have courage.

5) Know what type of expectations to work towards. To create mutual understanding and set the relationship up for success, discuss and work towards agreement on:

• Expected Outcomes – Exactly what are you trying to accomplish together? Be as specific and concrete as possible.
• Timelines – If you are clarifying expectations about responsibilities, behaviors, goals or projects, timing may be important. Talk about “by when” things need to be done.
• Roles and Responsibilities – Who will be accountable for what?
• Processes – How will you work together to achieve the common goal? How will you communicate? How will you make decisions?
• Resources – what human, financial, technical or other resources will you and they have access to?

6) Take ownership and responsibility for ensuring that both sides expectations are surfaced. It’s not enough to unilaterally share your expectations. You need to be prepared to ask good questions and really listen to identify and understand the expectations of others

7) Make your intentions transparent. Explain the why’s and context behind your expectations and help the other person understand the bigger picture. Usually, the better they understand, the easier it will be to reach a mutually acceptable agreement. If you don’t explain your intentions the other person will come to their own conclusions about the “why’s” of your behavior.

8) Be proactive. Do your best to manage the expectations – the perceptions – of the people you interact with, particularly those you provide some type of service to. I had elbow surgery recently to repair a torn tendon. After 6 weeks I was still in considerable pain and had limited movement of my elbow. I felt disappointed and dissatisfied so I made an appointment to visit the surgeon. He explained that what I was experiencing was normal, and that rather than evaluating my progress day-to-day I should instead look for improvements week to week. It was good advice; however it came at the wrong time. That was information he should have shared immediately after the surgery to help proactively manage my perceptions about my recovery.

9) Don’t overpromise. Whether it is a customer interaction, a discussion with a colleague or an interaction with your five-year-old son, over-promising leads to unmet expectations. As a rule, promise a little less than you believe that you will be able deliver. Exceeding what you promised is another deposit in the relationship bank account.

Good communication? Genuine affection and caring? Maybe you supported and helped one another? All of those qualities are related to the key ingredient in any successful relationship: Trust.

Trust is the fuel of great relationships. Without trust, the relationship isn’t going anywhere.

The other person:

• Reaches out for your advice
• Is more inclined to accept and act on your recommendations
• Is more likely to treat you as you wish to be treated
• Gives you the benefit of the doubt
• Forgives you when you make a mistake
• Respects your instincts and judgments

When trust is low it’s even more obvious.

We know who we trust, and who we don’t trust and that knowledge affects how we view the person and how we interact with them. If you lack trust in someone, you are less likely to take them at face value. You’ll question their intentions and motives. You’re more likely to imagine hidden agendas. You’ll waste more time and effort defending your position. You’ll likely be less open to new ideas. Trust affects everything about the relationship.

Most of the work people do in organizations today requires the ability to build and maintain trust. Whether you are a leader, a technical specialist, or an individual contributor you need to be able to establish strong relationships with your colleagues and customers. It doesn’t matter if you’re a scientist developing a new drug or a customer service agent interacting with a client, relationships matter.

With high trust, things go faster. Time is a key ingredient in cost. When things go faster, costs go down and profits go up. The ability to foster trust isn’t some “touchy-feely”, nice to have, soft skill. It’s a business requirement for anyone who aspires to leadership.  And it’s not only essential at the top. Trustworthy individual contributors are worth their weight in gold. Your ability to build – and maintain – trust is a key factor, not only in your personal life, but for your business and professional success as well. Lose the trust, lose the relationship. Lose the relationship, lose the business.

I worked on a development project, not long ago, that required coordination and collaboration between two different organizations. It ended up taking four times as long as it should have, because of a lack of trust. It felt as if everything I did had to be vetted. The simplest actions required review after review. We had countless conference calls to discuss minutia and trivial issues. The members of one of the company’s involved questioned the motives and intentions of the other members of the team. Participants from the second organization acted as if they believed that their counterparts didn’t know what they were doing. They seemed to question their competence. The whole project bogged down because of a lack of trust.

So, what makes someone trustworthy? It’s a complex human condition and there’s no simple answer. Trust can take time to develop and can evaporate in the blink of an eye. People choose to invest their trust in us – or they don’t. So in many ways, your trustworthiness rests in the hands of others. How do they perceive you? Their perceptions are their reality. We all live in our own personal universe.

Your trustworthiness starts internally and develops from the inside out. Aspects of your character drive your behavior. People see your behavior and make judgements about your motives and abilities based on what they see. They then choose to trust you – or not. There are three main drivers of their perceptions and judgements about your trustworthiness and a fourth factor that can enhance their overall impact:

Authenticity

People have to know you to trust you. They can’t know you through a façade. If you put up filters and walls, if you “mask up” before interacting with them, they can’t see the real you, and that will limit their ability to trust you.

Authenticity begins with self-knowledge.

• Who are you?
• What are your values?
• What’s your purpose?
• What do you stand for?

Self-awareness is only the start of being authentic. Your behaviors matter as well. Do you act in alignment with your values and purpose? Do they serve as an internal GPS guiding your actions? Or do you allow the external circumstances and situational ethics to drive your actions?

To be seen as authentic you have to know who you are at your core and you have to live your life in alignment with that self-knowledge. That may mean making decisions that go against your apparent self-interest to maintain that alignment. Authenticity – at its core – is about, are you who you say you are, and do other people see that alignment?

Character

Authenticity is a prerequisite for trust but not sufficient in its own right. What’s your character? Do you subscribe to and live your life according to the principles that govern effective relationships and lead to trust? Are you:

• Honest
• Responsible
• Fair
• Respectful
• Loyal
• Humble
• Empathetic
• Kind
• Courageous

I know those qualities look as if they’ve been taken out of the boy scout handbook, but they really matter. All of those principles have natural consequences for relationships.

If you are:

• Honest you are seen as having integrity.
• Responsible you are seen as dependable and predictable
• Fair you are seen as impartial – without hidden agenda
• Respectful you’re seen as unselfish
• Loyal you’re likely to be seen as consistent and steadfast
• Humble you are seen as open to new ideas and willing to admit mistakes
• Empathetic you are seen as caring and understanding
• Kind you are seen as benevolent
• Courageous you are seen as willing to do the right thing even when its hard

Have you ever known someone who lacked some of those key qualities? Maybe they weren’t honest or loyal. Did you trust them? Probably not. These principles reside deep within our character. They are expressed through our behavior and they have a major impact on how we are seen by others You are not likely to trust someone who you believe is out to do you harm, or who you feel doesn’t care about you.  To build trust, others have to believe that you have a positive intent. That you have their interests in mind. If we demonstrate these principles, we are more likely to be seen as having a positive intent.

Competence

My wife and I have been married for 35 years. I see her as authentic and principled. But when it came time to repair the tendon in my elbow last week I didn’t trust her to perform the surgery. Why? Because she’s an elementary school teacher not an orthopedic surgeon. Competence is situational. Are you seen as having knowledge, skill and experience within the area that trust is required? Remember that trust is conferred upon us by others, so it’s their perceptions that really matter. You can have all the knowledge, skill and experience in the world but if it’s not recognized by the other person trust will suffer.

Think about a specific individual and a specific area within which you’d like more trust.

• Do they recognize and value your technical skills?
• Do they see you as knowledgeable & well-informed about the issue?
• Do you have a history of sound judgment with them?
• To what extent do you have a track record of prior success with them?

Those three main ingredients – Authenticity, Character and Competence are the three big keys to building trust with others. There is a fourth area that has an impact: Likability.

Think of likability as an enhancer. It’s not an essential ingredient, but it can multiply the impact of the big three. On its own, likability doesn’t ensure trust but when it’s paired with the three core ingredients it can dramatically improve credibility and trust. You can be Authentic, Principled and Competent but not very likable and still be situationally trusted, but if you want to deepen the trust and expand the relationship the other person has to like you.

Authenticity, Character and Competence, along with Likability show up day-to-day in our behaviors. To build and maintain trust with the people who matter to you:

• Be transparent – Make your intentions explicit
• Let other people see the real you; let your guard down
• Share information freely – personal(appropriately) as well as professional
• Do what you say you will do; Be reliable
• Don’t promise something that you can’t deliver
• Develop clear expectations
• Make the other person feel heard
• When you’ve made a mistake or somehow violated trust apologize sincerely and deeply
• Forgive others when they’ve made a mistake

Living those simple nine behaviors will do wonders for your relationships. Trust me.

The story goes that when Steve Jobs was trying to entice John Sculley to leave Pepsi-Cola and join Apple he used a powerful communication tool. He asked Sculley, “Do you want to spend the rest of your life selling sugared water, or do you want to change the world?” Given that comparison, Sculley of course, moved to Apple. Steve Jobs was a Master Communicator. He was adept at going beyond the facts to inspire, engage and influence.

Do you believe the facts speak for themselves? If you subscribe to that philosophy I bet that there have been times you’ve been disappointed by others not listening to, or accepting your “facts”. Let me be clear, it’s absolutely important to base your proposals and suggestions on a strong, supportable business case. But it’s the way you tell the facts that persuades.

In this post I want to move beyond the logical, rational, facts only approach. I want to focus on one little communication technique that, as Steve Job’s showed, can have a disproportionate impact; it’s a way of turbo charging a sentence or two to dramatically increase its persuasive horsepower.  See where I’m going with this? That’s right, Metaphor. A word or a phrase that’s used to make a comparison between two things. Metaphors can create an instant understanding in your listener. The right metaphor can be a catalyst for a dazzling sense of recognition. Many years ago, when my Drill Sargent at Marine Corps Officer Candidate’s School told me that I “was as smart as a soup sandwich” I didn’t need to ask for clarification. I knew exactly what he was implying. For the sake of this post, I’m lumping metaphors, analogies and similes all into the same bucket and simply referring to them as metaphors. Forgive me if I offend your grammatical sensibilities.

I mentioned to my wife that I was writing a blog post on using metaphors. Her response was “Does anybody care about that?” I guess the answer is I don’t know. But I do know that you should care. Metaphors can be a very powerful weapon in your influence arsenal. So, what does a good metaphor do for you?

• It creates a connection between your idea / proposal and something else with which your listener is more familiar. That familiarity can lower the potential resistance in your listener.
• It helps to simplify – often in a word or a sentence – a more complex issue. And with that simplification can come an increased sense of comfort on the listener’s part.
• It can tap into and evoke emotional connections between your idea and the issue you are comparing it to.
• It can create a sensory experience within your listener. They may feel, or see or even taste (sour grapes, anyone?) the association
• It can multiply / magnify the more factual or statistical evidence that you employ to persuade.
• It can alter the paradigm with which a person perceives the situation. By altering the paradigm, the metaphor can have a direct impact on the listener’s behavior.

The right metaphor is much more likely to be a surgical scalpel rather than a club. Many times your listener won’t even be aware of its impact. But just as the scalpel cuts a fine incision, a good metaphor can leave a lasting impact. That’s not just opinion. There’s actually research to back it up.

Professor Lera Boroditsky and doctoral candidate Paul Thibodeau of Stanford University conducted a study to gauge the impact of metaphor. Their research focused on attitudes towards crime. In five experiments, subjects were asked to read short paragraphs about rising crime rates in the fictional city of Addison and answer questions about the city. In some of the descriptions, crime was framed as “a beast” in others it was described as “a virus”. That was the only difference – 1 word – between the descriptions. The researchers found that the subject’s attitudes about, and solutions for, crime were influenced by the metaphor. Subjects who read about crime as a beast were much more likely to endorse a law enforcement solution while the subjects who read about crime as a virus were more likely to support social reform. They concluded “We find that even the subtlest instantiation of a metaphor (via a single word) can have a powerful influence over how people attempt to solve social problems like crime and how they gather information to make “well-informed” decisions. Interestingly, we find that the influence of the metaphorical framing effect is covert: people do not recognize metaphors as influential in their decisions; instead they point to more “substantive” (often numerical) information as the motivation for their problem-solving decision.”  The right metaphor can be a pretty powerful way of getting your message across.

I’m not particularly skilled at the use of metaphor, but I try hard. Sort of like that kid on the t-ball team who has an earnest look of determination on his face but misses both the ball and the T three times out of five. But I don’t think I’m unusual in my lack of skill. In my experience few people use metaphors as frequently or as skillfully as they should. Part of the problem may be hardwired. I’m a pretty literal person. I tend to most naturally focus on my senses for my data. I concentrate on what I can see and hear and touch. And then I naturally describe it back that way to the people I’m communicating with, using concrete, literal descriptions. In Jungian Typology (MBTI Preferences) I naturally have a preference relying on Sensing (S) for taking in information. A friend and colleague – Mack Munro – is the opposite. His preference is Intuition (N). He sees the same things I do but more naturally makes connections between them and other things. He tends to think and speak more metaphorically.

Sometimes, when he gets rolling, the metaphors come out like the staccato of bullets from a machine gun (See I told you I wasn’t great at this). I on the other hand sometimes have to be hit over the head with it, if it’s not completely spelled out. I can remember spending a month doing a writing assignment in my office, listening to the same Jack Johnson song – “Break Down” – probably a hundred times before it dawned on me that he wasn’t really singing about a train breaking down. It was a metaphor for living life. I don’t want to be too pedantic about the MBTI / Type connection so let me just say that statistically there aren’t that many people floating around with a preference for N (about 25%). So, most of us are hardwired to look at things – and communicate our ideas – literally rather than metaphorically. Metaphors don’t come as naturally to us.

So what. I’m not Eric Clapton but I can still play a reasonable guitar. Particularly compared to someone who doesn’t play the guitar at all.  Despite being metaphorically challenged I’m able to use them when I need to. And the more I practice, the stronger the muscle becomes (That’s me practicing again). I want to offer you some ideas for developing your own metaphoric muscles.

Crafting A Useful Metaphor

Because I don’t naturally think in metaphor, I use a three-step process when I want to develop one.

1.) Consider the paradigms and perspectives of your target audience. Their:

• Likely experiences
• Achievements
• Challenges
• Interests

Example: I developed and facilitate a seminar called Influencing without Authority, I typically market “Influencing Without Authority” to mid to large corporations and organizations around the world. I was talking with a VP of Learning & Development about her organization’s needs. Among other things, she described a matrixed organization that relied on a very collaborative cross functional process for developing and launching new products.

2.) Identify the key elements / attributes of your idea or proposal. What are they? How will it work? What are its benefits? List them out.

Example: “Influencing Without Authority” is usually conducted as a two-day work session, but it is scalable. It provides participants with mental maps for influencing, navigating organizational politics and for creating strong partnerships. It employs an Influence Assessment, Influence Mapping Tools, Micro-Skill Practices, Case Studies and Experiential Activities. Participation in the seminar can help improve communication, leadership and an individual’s ability to get things done.

3.) Brainstorm connections between the needs and experiences of the listener and the attributes and benefits of your idea / proposal. Be creative. Blue sky it. Think outside of the proverbial box – but not too far. Developing a good metaphor is like writing a new song. It should sound original and familiar at the same time

Example:

Need of Learning & Development VP: A way to improve interaction within a matrixed organization

Attribute of Influencing Without Authority Seminar: Focuses on communication Skills

Possible Comparisons: Bridge, Tool, Lens,

Possible Metaphor: Influencing Without Authority can provide participants with the communication tools they need to build a bridge across the cultural and functional differences that they face within their matrixed organization to create a shared vision.

I know, I know, building a bridge isn’t the most creative or elegant metaphor. But for me it’s a step in the right direction. And, despite its simplicity, I did end up getting the business.

Metaphors can seem like small part of an idea or proposal. But they can be disproportionately powerful for the space that they take up. Mark Twain wrote “The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and lightning bug”. A metaphor just may be the “right word” you’re looking for to turbocharge your next idea.

What are your thoughts? Any favorite metaphors for getting your ideas across?

Steve Jobs once said, “People think focus means saying yes to the thing you’ve got to focus on. But that’s not what it means at all. It means saying no to the hundred other good ideas that there are. You have to pick carefully.” Like him or not, the man knew where his priorities were and was able to devote his energy and attention into making his aspirations a reality. Isn’t that 80% of the battle? Knowing what’s important to you, personally, and then focusing your effort there and not being diverted.

I’ve been spending a bit of my time the last few years helping people to identify who they aspire to be in their lives, so that they can focus their energy and effort on the things that really matter to them. The process usually involves helping them to identify their key stakeholders and to operationalize exactly what it is they want their lives to be – how they aspire to live out their hopes and dreams and values.

A common issue I’ve heard from many of the people I’ve worked with is just how challenging it can be to stay focused when other people – colleagues, friends, family – attempt to involve you in their issues.

The Cost Of Not Saying No

The process loss involved in stopping work on one thing and beginning work on a different issue (someone else’s fire) is called the switching cost. There is a mental process that we go through. We have to:

1) Mentally shift our goal focus – “I’m not going to do this anymore, now I’m going to do that”

2) Mentally change our paradigm and cognitive rules – I’m turning off the rules and mental maps that pertain to what I was working on, and I’m booting up new rules and mental maps for what you are asking me to do.

Those cognitive switching costs are like interest compounding on a credit card balance. If you use the card sparingly, no problem, you can handle the interest. But if you are using that credit card day in and day out, the interest will add up quickly. If you are getting interrupted from your work on tasks that are important to you, to fight other people’s fires on a regular basis, those switching costs will eat you alive. You won’t accomplish the things that matter most to you. Or you’ll find yourself up at 2 am trying to work on something that really matters, after a hard day of solving other people’s problems. Unfortunately, you are unlikely to have the physical or mental energy that you need to do it successfully. According to the American Psychological Association, repeated switching costs can tally up to 40% of an individual’s productive time. Again, that’s not even counting the time that you aren’t working on your own goal. Who can afford that? We simply can’t say yes to everyone.

Disclaimer: Relationships are an important part of life – personally as well as professionally. Building and maintaining them should be a priority. It’s when we fight other people’s fires – mindlessly, or because we are afraid to say no – that it can become dysfunctional and a hindrance to our effectiveness.

We need to be able to use a positive No to maintain our focus and accomplish the things that matter most to us. My clients tell me that it’s hard for them to use that No. They feel uncomfortable with it. They wish they could do it better.

I want to offer some ideas.

Why we have difficulty saying no

Our discomfort with the word No is emotional. If we didn’t experience emotions and empathy, it would probably be pretty easy to say no, wouldn’t it? There are different flavors to how our emotions may affect us.

You may:

1. Have the need to please
2. Equate saying no to being rude
3. Be uncomfortable with conflict
4. Believe that saying no will damage the relationship
5. Not want to disappoint the other person
6. Believe that it’s your responsibility to say yes

I’m tempted to go into a long-winded analysis of each of the possible reasons, but instead let me just cut to the chase. GET OVER IT! Whichever of those reasons resonates with you, let it go! Saying no doesn’t automatically create conflict, disappoint or damage the relationship. It doesn’t have to be rude, and having the need to please can end up being highly dysfunctional if you take it too far. Recognize what’s preventing you from saying No and make a conscience choice to put it aside. You can actually control your emotional state. Shift yourself to a set of internal emotions where you feel more comfortable setting boundaries and staying focused.

Once you’ve decided to start using No more regularly, there are some strategies to do it more effectively.

1) Say No Without Ever Having To Say No

Sun Tzu wrote in the Art of War “The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting.” You are facing a war for your time and energy. Wouldn’t it be great to win that conflict without having to say no or turn someone away?

1. Set Boundaries – Establish a time when you will be available each day to deal with questions and requests. I’ll call that time your Office Hours. You can call it whatever you like. Let your network know. Encourage them to wait until that time each day – if they can. If you are really in demand consider briefer Office Hours in both the morning and the afternoon.
2. Turn Off Email notifications – Email is a fantastic tool for communicating. Use it, don’t let it use you. Set a few times each day to check and respond to email. Turn off your notifications. Turn them off on your desktop as well as on your mobile device. Choose when you will do email, don’t let the tail wag the dog. According to a variety of studies, many of us have formed an unhealthy habit of checking our email too frequently – around 200 times a day. What are the switching costs of that?
3. Batch Phone Calls – Much like with email, the phone can be a source of unpredictable, intermittent interruptions. Or you can use it. Let your phone go to voicemail and set a time on your calendar during the day to return those calls. Don’t use the phone as an excuse to break your flow. The exception to this rule is, of course, if your job is to answer the phone and provide service to clients and stakeholders. Other than that, let it go to voicemail.
4. Schedule One On One Meetings – If you manage others you need to be there for them. But that doesn’t mean that they should have 24/7 unfettered access to you and your energy for every trivial thing under the sun. Set up a regular meeting time – once a week – to discuss whatever they want. It’s their meeting. They get to set the agenda. Explain to them that you’d like them to save any issues that can wait, for that meeting or for whatever hours you set for daily Office Hours. Also explain what types of issues will require immediate communication.

2) Use A More Positive Approach: Yes – No – Yes

Even with well-defined boundaries, there will always be unexpected interruptions. The way we say No will have an impact on how it is received. William Ury, in his book The Power of A Positive No, points out that our focus when we start our response matters. All too often we start from the perspective of being against the other person’s perspective or request. That type of reactive response can create animosity and negative feelings. He recommends a more proactive response based on what we are for rather than what we are against.

Consider using a three-part process:

1. Begin by saying Yes to yourself and safeguarding what matters to you – in this case your time and energy. Be clear in your own mind about your priorities – what are the key roles and goals in your life? If you are legitimately spending time working on one of those key roles or goals (Which you should be!) then it will be easy to say Yes to yourself and to shift to an emotional state more conducive to saying No to the other person’s fire. Then say Yes by telling the other person about your current priority.
2. Then offer a straightforward, matter of fact No. Tone of voice matters. Be assertive, not aggressive or dismissive.
3. Finally, close the loop by following with another Yes. Say Yes to the relationship and – hopefully – provide an alternative solution. In many cases you are not saying “Never”, you’re saying “Not Now”. So, if not now, when? If the answer really is Never (The issue clearly is their fire and you want nothing to do with it) try to point them in a direction that you believe will be helpful. Affirm the value that you place on the relationship.

It sounds more difficult than it is. It’s actually a pretty straightforward process.

Request: “Joe, do you have a few minutes to talk about the project?”

Yes (to yourself) I’m currently working on writing a new Post for my Web Site. It’s important to me and I don’t want to lose my flow.

Response: “Hi Susan. Unfortunately, I am right in the middle of something important right now. So I’m going to have to say No at this moment. But I do want to talk with you about the project. Are you available at 2?

Not every interruption or request will be as obvious and straightforward. More often, you will have to ask a few clarifying questions to really understand that the person isn’t asking about a fire burning uncontrollably, in your own back yard.

Saying No can be a withdrawal from what Stephen Covey called the Emotional Bank Account. When you do say No, look for opportunities to begin to replenish that relationship bank account as soon as possible. Ask yourself, what would be a deposit for that person? As soon as possible after the No, follow through and make that deposit to help affirm the relationship.

3) Say NO to Yourself

I’ve been focusing on saying no to others, but there is another part to the process. You have to be able to say No to yourself as well. Every time you move from one task to another you incur those switching costs. Even when you move on your own initiative. If you work for ten minutes on a key goal and then pick up the phone because you remember you need to call a colleague – or you check your email, – or you surf the web or you do whatever – you’re losing productivity. How often does that happen for you?

Saying No to yourself is also about saying Yes, isn’t it? It’s about knowing what is most important to you – your key Roles and Goals and Stakeholders. It’s about ensuring that you spend most of your time and energy focusing on those key parts of your life instead of responding to other people’s fires or letting yourself become distracted. Those self-initiated distractions may be an even larger hindrance to your personal effectiveness than requests and interruptions from others.

According to Gloria Mark, Professor in the Department of Informatics at the University of California, the subjects she studied switched tasks – on their own – on average, every 3 minutes and 5 seconds. In the hour and a half that I’ve been writing this Post, I’ve gotten up for a snack, answered the phone, watched 4 innings of the Phillies game (they’re losing) and gone to the bathroom (twice) Maybe it’s time to start saying No to myself.

If you are a manager, or someone who has to get things done through and with others – the motivation of the people you work with probably matters to you. I work with managers every week, in seminars and in coaching relationships, and employee motivation seems to be a source of pain for many of them. They talk about having to work with team members who:

• Come late / Leave early
• Do as little as possible
• Miss deadlines
• Spend time complaining or gossiping
• Show a lack of ownership or initiative
• Show a lack of accountability
• Spend their time surfing social media

Those types of problems are what I call Type 1 Motivational Challenges: The employee actively demonstrates a lack of motivation

Those Type 1 Challenges are probably only being demonstrated by a small portion of your team, but they may take up a disproportionate amount of your management time. They may very well be a living example of the 80 / 20 rule in action.

But according to the research, there’s a whole other group of employees who probably aren’t fully motivated and committed, who may be operating beneath the surface of your managerial radar. I’m going to call those Type 2 Motivational Challenges: The employee isn’t fully motivated and therefore not working up to their potential.

Associates with a Type 2 dynamic probably show up on time and go through the motions. They are less obvious than the Type 1 problem child, but they still aren’t completely invested. They don’t demonstrate all the initiative or they won’t accept responsibility for important parts of their jobs. They may wait to be told or do only what they’ve been told to do. They apparently don’t feel ownership for some of the work they do. They aren’t performing up to their potential, and the cause is related to not being completely motivated.

If you are a manager, you may very well have team members reporting to you right now who are experiencing Type 2 Motivational Challenges. According to the latest Gallup Management Journal’s Employee Engagement Index,

• 51% of employees in the US are not fully engaged (Type 2) and
• 17% are actively disengaged (Type 1).

There’s a real cost to demotivation, whether it’s Type 1 or 2. And it runs the gamut from the in the moment emotional price that managers have to pay working with a demotivated employee, to the very real bottom line price that organizations pay in operating income, customer loyalty and productivity.

There’s a wealth of information available about the cost our work organizations incur from motivational issues.

• A study by David MacLeod and Nita Clark found that companies with low motivation and engagement earned 32% less operating income.
• The Corporate Leadership Council found that companies with more engaged workforces grew profits as much as 3 X times faster and had employees who were 87% less likely to leave.
• A study by McLean & Company found that disengaged employees cost their employers on average $3,400 for every $10, 000 of annual salary.

Motivation fuels performance. The results your team produces are driven to a large degree, by their commitment and engagement. 

People are pretty complex. There could be many reasons why an individual lacks motivation. But as we step back and increase our view, patterns emerge.

The single most important factor affecting an employee’s motivational climate are the practices and behaviors of the direct manager.

The Gallup organization estimates that 70% of an employee’s motivational climate depends on their direct manager. Again and again, study after study point out the importance of the relationship between the direct manager and employee as being THE key factor driving an employee’s motivational climate.

An individual’s current motivation could be dependent on a number of factors. What’s happening at home, their health, past work experiences with other managers, can all have an impact. If you are working with an associate who seems to lack motivation, it could be a problem that you inherited, or it could be something happening outside of work. But in a lot of cases you, as the manager, can have a profound impact on it.

Let me describe how that might work.

1. Most managers have good intentions. They want to do the right thing.

2. Managers do what they do, based on their intentions. They act in ways that they think will help meet those intentions

3. The team member sees what the manager does. They can’t read their mind and see their intentions. Instead, they see the manager’s behaviors filtered through their own perceptual lenses. And then they climb the ladder of inference and make assumptions about why the manager is doing what they are doing.

4. The assumptions they make about a manager’s intentions and motives, affect how the team member feels about their job. They affect how they feel about the manager as well. Team members probably go home at night and talk about what the manager did and why he / she did it. We’ve all done that. We sit down with a friend or our significant other and talk about our experience with our manager. “ You won’t believe what Frank did today …” And then I tell you the crazy thing that my manager did to me today and we commiserate and agree that Frank is a big jerk.

5. The assumptions that we make, and the conclusions that we draw, about our manager’s intentions affect our:

• Confidence
• Level of enthusiasm for work in general or for a particular goal
• Sense of self worth
• Happiness beyond work. The interactions we have with our boss at work don’t stop resonating just because we’ve left the building. They spill over and affect our sense of well-being and peace of mind in our personal life as well.

6. Those issues directly affect our overall performance.

So, the way we managers are perceived by our team can have a direct impact on the motivational climate of that team, and ultimately, on how each person in the team performs. That directly affects the bottom line. Business performance, of course, depends on more than just motivation, but don’t sell it short. The Managers Guide To Rewards estimates that up to 30% of business results can be explained by the differences in work climates created by a Manager.

The relationship that you, as a manager, develop with a direct report is really important. It’s the starting point for how the associate perceives their job. If it’s a positive relationship with trust, mutual respect and open communication, then the employee is more likely to perceive your behaviors in a positive light. It will be easier for them to see your positive intentions. That will lead to higher engagement. If it’s negative, if the relationship bank account is overdrawn, then even legitimately well-intentioned behaviors on your part, may be seen negatively by the employee.

The relationship that you develop with each individual employee is not just an incidental part of your job. It’s the springboard for creating a motivational work climate and driving performance. It doesn’t guarantee motivation. But without it, good luck! Make it a priority.

I’m trying to change the language that I use. It’s been an uphill process. All right, maybe you need a little of the backstory. A few months ago a colleague and I had a difference of opinion (notice I didn’t say disagreement?) about a business project. Somehow during that conversation she shared with me that I sounded disgruntled. It was like a slap in the face and my immediate reaction (internally) was denial. I’m not feeling disgruntled. Why would she say that? This is more about her than about me. When the sting started to fade I was able to consider the comment a little more constructively. What did I do that might cause her to see me that way? I came to a realization that the language (words) I often use and the focus of my casual conversation (problems, challenges and personal disasters) might be contributing.

The words we use not only communicate intelligibly about a topic, they also communicate powerful messages about us personally as well. Sometimes the message they communicate is not the one that we intend. Positive language communicates a message of enthusiasm, confidence and credibility. Negative language can communicate a much different story – disengagement, frustration powerlessness. How would you prefer to be seen? You probably spend a great deal of your time and energy trying to influence others. According to a Qualtrics study of over 7000 participants, employees in the U.S. are spending about 40% of their time engaged in some form of influencing others. How you are seen – your personal brand – really matters. The words you choose can have a real impact.

The language we use can affect our personal brand in several ways

Likability

People like to do things for, and with, people they like. Long-term influence is driven – in part – by our likability. There are a number of traits that can contribute and positivity is high up on the list. We like people who have a positive outlook. If you’ve ever spent time with a colleague with the personality of Eeyore – the pessimistic, gloomy, depressed donkey from Winnie-The Pooh – you’ve experienced the contrast first hand. Their language, and the focus of their conversation bring us down. After a while we start to avoid them. They walk into the room and we let out a big sigh. It’s as if a dark cloud just rolled in and our dog just peed on our leg.

On the other hand people who use positive language make us feel good. The words they use and what they talk about elevate our mood. We feel better for having spent time with them. We like them.

Our ability to create a positive or negative emotional state in another person begins with the focus of our conversation. Do we use a negative or a positive frame in our communication?

Framing

Almost every situation that we experience can be seen from multiple perspectives – positive, negative or neutral. The way we naturally see a situation is probably a function of our personality, our mental models and our in-the-moment internal state. Framing is the process of consciously choosing one particular meaning – or set of meanings – over another. It begins internally and becomes apparent to others through the words we choose.

Yes, you absolutely have to be authentic. But that doesn’t mean that you have to accept every thought that comes in to your head. You get to choose how you experience a particular situation. You can choose to put it in a positive functional frame or you can choose to look at it negatively. Put that way most of us are going to say, “Well, I’ll choose to look at it positively”. The problem is that many of us – myself included – often allow the frame and meaning to develop on its own rather than making a conscious choice.

I worked on a large project a couple of years ago with a number of other people. After the completion of the three-day launch event we were debriefing and I saw first hand both positive and negative framing. One colleague, a very intelligent and perceptive individual gave his impressions:

“The materials had a number of errors. The Coaches weren’t focusing on the right issues. We can’t continue to use that instrument. It’s too complex, participants aren’t able to understand it well enough to use it in their interactions.” He went on painting a picture of doom and gloom by focusing on what he saw as being wrong with the kick-off.

Another stakeholder painted a different picture with her frame.

“I thought that we made real improvements in this kick-off versus last years. All of the participants seemed really engaged throughout all three days. The timing of the activities seemed to work really well. I noticed participants really using the tools in their breakout sessions. I also think the Coaches seem to understand the conceptual model and the process that they are going to be involved in. I do think that it’s going to take some time for them to grow into their roles. But we do have a process in place to work with them over the next year.”

A negative frame focuses on what’s wrong or what can’t be done. It may have a connotation of blame. A positive frame focuses on opportunities and possibilities. It describes what can or might be done. It has a tone of optimism or helpfulness.

How do you frame? Do you tend to focus on what’s wrong and point out problems? Or are you able to notice and communicate what’s right about a situation? I’m not suggesting that you ignore a problem. However, the way you describe it – the frame you put around it – will affect how others perceive it. It will also affect how they perceive you.

The Power Of A Single Word

A metaphor is a type of frame. We use metaphors and analogies to make comparisons and communicate a perspective about an issue. The way we frame the metaphor can have an impact on another’s perceptions and attitudes. Psychology Professor Lera Boroditsky and doctoral candidate Paul Thibodeau of Stanford University conducted a study to gauge the impact of metaphor. Their research focused on attitudes towards crime. In five experiments, subjects were asked to read short paragraphs about rising crime rates in the fictional city of Addison and answer questions about the city. In some of the descriptions, crime was framed as “a beast” in others it was described as “a virus”. That was the only difference – 1 word – between the descriptions. The researchers found that the subject’s attitudes about, and solutions for, crime were influenced by the metaphor frame. Subjects who read about crime as a beast were much more likely to endorse a law enforcement solution while the subjects who read about crime as a virus were more likely to support social reform. Somehow I have to think that our national politicians are acutely aware of the power of framing.

There is also evidence that words can have an impact on the physiology of the brain as well. Just as the written frame influenced the attitude of the research subject, our internal frame influences our own attitudes and behaviors. The way we see a situation – our mental map – will affect how we talk about it. We can just let nature take its course and allow whatever mental map is in place to dictate the frame that we communicate, or we can consciously choose the lens through which we will view an issue or situation.

Positive Language

So the words we use to describe something, whether they be self talk in our own mind or spoken aloud to a room full of people affect how we view a situation. Positive language is the language of optimism and confidence. When we use it, it can create attitudes and behaviors that lead to a positive self-fulfilling prophecy. Negative language focuses on blame and reactivity. It can paint an unflattering picture of who we are or what we are about. So what types of language can frame negative or positive?

                                                         Negative                          Positive

                                                            No                                        Yes

                                                            Sure                                     Absolutely

                                                            I Can’t                                 I Will

                                                            I Have To                           I Choose To

                                                            I Must                                 I Want

                                                            All right                              Yes

                                                            Yes But                               Yes And

                                                            That’s just the way it is    Let’s explore our options

It’s easy to develop a pattern of negative language. Robert Schrauf at Penn State found that we have far more words in our vocabulary that express negative feelings rather than positive emotions. His research found a consistent 50% Negative 30% Positive 20% Neutral ratio across cultures.

The Negative Impact On You

Not only can the words we use create negative perceptions in others, they can also create or reinforce negative attitudes and paradigms within our own internal state. In addition to revealing negative self-beliefs, our language can act as a type of self-programing mechanism. Our subconscious hears and responds to our language. There’s a walnut shaped structure in the middle of our brain called the Thalamus. It relays sensory information about the outer world to other parts of the brain. According to Andrew Newberg and Mark Waldman the Thalamus doesn’t differentiate between real and imagined. It processes our words and thoughts similarly to how it treats what we see, and hear and experience with our senses. It doesn’t distinguish between outer reality and how you’ve internally framed the issue.

“Our language-based thoughts shape our consciousness, and consciousness shapes the reality we perceive. So choose your words wisely because they become as real as the ground on which you stand. Andrew Newberg & Mark Robert Waldman “Words Can Change Your Brain”

Actions You Can Take

1. Monitor Your Self-Talk. We All talk to ourselves. Pretty much all the time. We have a rich internal dialogue in which our everyday consciousness is engaged in a running commentary of what we experience and imagine. Listen to what you are saying to yourself. Is it positive or negative? It all starts on the inside. If you hear your self-talk saying “this sucks, it’s unfair, I can’t”, or some other negative comment, you can do something about it. Make some positive changes. Replay that self talk in a more optimistic, more positive language.
2. Create A Psychological Space. Events can sometimes come out of the blue and lead to a knee-jerk negative response. I was walking across 8th Avenue in NYC over the summer and had a guy in a drop top Mercedes come within 3 inches of hitting me. I wasn’t expecting it and my internal framing and loud external language was positivity challenged (to say the least). When you encounter a negative situation, try to create space between the event and your response. Pause, count to six, ask questions, whatever works for you. That space will give you an opportunity to formulate a more positive response.
3. Consciously Choose A Positive Response. Make a decision – in the moment – to use language that looks at the issue in a positive – or at least neutral frame. Rather than focusing on what can’t be done offer alternatives. Instead of pointing fingers and blaming, accept ownership for improving things. Rather than limit your influence, consciously communicate optimism and confidence by using affirming language.
4. Say Good Things About Yourself. If our subconscious is listening and paying attention to our self talk, beating ourselves up in our internal dialogue can do significant damage. Maybe it’s time to start giving yourself some kudos and positive feedback. Celebrate your accomplishments. Focus on what you’ve done well don’t dwell on the stuff that hasn’t worked out.Let other people know about your achievements.
5. Pump Up The Positive When possible – and appropriate – pump up the positivity. Instead of saying the meeting was good, how about really good or even excellent. Remember our internal frame and language can affect our internal programing. Make a conscious choice to boost your emotional affect.
6. Become A Positive Contagion. Your attitude and energy can be contagious. When people like or feel comfortable with you they will often mirror you subconsciously. Work to be the person who raises the energy and the mood in the room.

For me, maintaining a positive frame and using positive language is an ongoing process. I don’t do it naturally. I have to work at it. But I am finding that the more I do it, the easier it becomes. I was at a restaurant with my wife and daughter the other night when the light immediately above our table went out. They both started complaining about it. My positive response was “Maybe we can ask them for candles. It could be nice here with candlelight.” My daughter looked at me in disbelief and asked, “Who are you?”

Baby steps, I keep reminding myself. Baby steps.

Well crap! That’s not what I want to hear. I am many things, but quick thinking? I think not. I’m great at Trivial Pursuit or even “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire”, but nobody in my family wants me on their team for Celebrity Name Game or Pictionary. Does that mean that my dream of being charismatic – or at least more charismatic – is doomed to failure? People with higher levels of Charisma get noticed and listened to. They’re more influential. I’d like that, wouldn’t you?

What Is Charisma?

First off, let’s make sure that we are on the same page about what we mean by Charisma. The dictionary defines it as:

1. Compelling attractiveness or charm that can inspire devotion in others

Man, this just keeps getting worse and worse for me. Attractiveness? Charm?

2. A divinely conferred power or talent

Divinely conferred? Does that mean that you are either born with Charisma or not? This is starting to sound a bit hopeless.

Let me approach Charisma from a different angle. Another way to look at Charisma is in the impact that it has on us.  When we perceive someone as Charismatic, we have some type of positive emotional reaction to the person. Something about them captures our attention and impresses us. We may develop a sense of awe and admiration about them. Or it may be more about how they may make us feel. Many years ago when I was being trained in psychology I had a professor named George Regensburg. When he spoke with me, I always felt that I had his complete attention. His ability to focus that attention made me feel special. He made me feel good about myself. So in a way Charisma is the ability to inspire awe or admiration in someone else and / or the ability to make someone else feel special.

Is Charisma Hardwired?

According to Von Hippel’s research there probably are aspects of Charisma that are more hardwired:

• Thinking speed – What I describe as the ability to process information and respond quickly
• Divergent Response – Von Hippel describes it as the ability to come back with an unexpected answer or a surprising association.

There doesn’t seem to be a great deal I can do about those qualities. I can’t see myself turbocharging my thinking speed or somehow becoming the reincarnation of Robin Williams. 

But there are other aspects of Charisma that can be developed. Many of the behaviors can be learned. Sure, some people have more of a natural talent for it, but we can all learn how to be more Charismatic. The people we see as being Charismatic today, probably weren’t always so. George Clooney is the personification of Charisma. Charming, articulate and with a presence that commands attention. But I remember seeing George Clooney early in his career as Booker Brookes on that 90’s sitcom Roseanne. He was pretty much the antithesis of Charisma at that point in his life! You can’t tell me Charisma isn’t a learned behavior.

How To Develop Your Personal Charisma

I want to offer 5 abilities that you can learn and develop to become more Charismatic. Each of the abilities has qualities and skills associated with it. Because this is a Post – and not a book –  I’m going to limit myself to describing the “what” and not the “how” of each ability.

1.  Be Aware Of And In Control Of Your  Internal State

Charisma develops from the inside – out. What I mean by that is that it starts on the inside with our beliefs and emotional controls. When we have it right on the inside, only then can we act and behave Charismatically on the outside. The way we manage our internal state is a prerequisite for Charismatic behavior. Our emotions make up a large part of that internal state. They have a tremendous impact on how we experience and interact with the rest of the world. Being aware of what we are experiencing emotionally gives us the opportunity to choose a more functional emotion. Instead of being angry I can choose to be motivated. Instead of feeling upset because of something a colleague has said, I can reframe my understanding of their behavior and respond more constructively.

A quote by Bishop Fulton Sheen says it perfectly:

“Each of us makes his own weather, determines the color of the skies in the emotional universe which he inhabits.”

Each of us has the ability to choose our emotional response. Learn how to choose a functional, useful response.

2. Be Present

Charismatic people have a presence about them. Being present – in the moment – is an essential ingredient to developing that presence. Being Present is about maintaining a moment by moment awareness of our internal thoughts, sensations and feelings as well as the external environment – the people & activities – that we are interacting with. Being present in the moment is critical for Charisma in that enables us to truly focus our attention. When I was a young second lieutenant in the Marine Corps, General P.X Kelly (He would later become the Commandant of the Marine Corps) came to talk to my battalion. I happened to be sitting in the front row for his remarks. When he made eye contact with me, I felt a jolt. It was as if he was speaking only to me. Focus. Presence.

3. Be Confident

Being confident begins with knowing who you are and being comfortable in your own skin. It’s amazing how important self-awareness is, isn’t it? Being confident on the inside doesn’t always equate to appearing confident on the outside, but sometimes there is actually a reciprocal effect. In other words acting confident on the outside can lead to being more confident on the inside. So what are some of the behaviors of confidence?

• Engage in positive self talk internally
• Have the courage to speak your mind respectfully
• Use positive language that demonstrates ownership and control like “I will” and “I can” instead of “I have to “I can’t” or “If only”
• Be proactive; initiate contact and take action
• Demonstrate enthusiasm
• Trust yourself

4. Practice Charismatic Nonverbal and Paraverbal Behaviors

We humans seem hard-wired to take in more of, and place more importance on, the body language and tone of the people we are interacting with, than on the actual words they use. It runs counter to our fantasies of living in a logical, rational world, but we’ve been depending on our ability to decode body language and tone of voice for our survival much longer than we’ve had access to the spoken or written word.

Study after study emphasize the importance of body language and tone of voice, and new technology has made it possible to monitor and prove it outside the lab. Dr Alex Pentland and his colleagues at MIT’s Media Lab have done multiple experiments in call centers where, using wearable devices, they have been able to track the tone of voice (not their actual words) and upper body movements of call center employees. They’ve developed algorithms that are able to accurately predict in seconds the likelihood of a sale simply based on tone and body language. Nonverbals and paraverbals matter. A lot!

The question is which ones lead to perceptions of Charisma? According to Olivia Fox Cabane in her book The Charisma Myth:

• Power – Some of how we perceive power is contextual – how others interact with the person, their status in the organization. But much of our perceptions come from the  tone and nonverbals. Handshake, posture, tone of voice, attire, eye contact, and gestures can all create a perception of power.
•  Warmth – Warmth is about how others perceive our intentions towards them. Do they see us as having their interests? As having goodwill and being benevolent? Saying you’ve got their back isn’t enough. Your tone and body language have to match the message. It’s difficult to fake. People see through the lack of authenticity.

 Perceptions of both Power and Warmth can lead to being seen as Charismatic. Wonderful if you are able to pull off both. But I’ve known Charismatic individuals who were certified jerks. So either Power or Warmth may be its own, separate pathway to Charisma.

5. Use The Language Of Charisma

Language may not be sufficient on its own, but when married with the right internal state and body language, the words you use can touch emotions and create connections.

• Frame your ideas for your audience. Know their issues and hot buttons.
• Use analogies to create a connection between your idea and their experience. Metaphors and analogies create an instant understanding and help the other person to experience what you want them to experience.
• Tell a story to connect emotionally. Think emotions don’t matter? Neuroscientist Antonio Damasio studied people with lesions in the part of the brain where emotions are generated. He found that they were normal, except that they were not able to feel emotions. They also had something else in common. They weren’t able to make decisions. Emotions are at the core of who we are. They affect all of our decisions.

 Why You Should Care About Charisma

Well, there you have it. Five abilities that you can practice and develop to become more Charismatic.

Charisma isn’t just about showing off or having the spotlight. It’s a behavioral tool for getting things done. Would you like your good ideas to be heard and acted on? The more Charismatic you are, the more people will pay attention to what you have to say. If you are a manager or aspire to leadership, influencing others is an important part of your job. Charisma is influence. And regardless of what role you play within your organization, wouldn’t you like to have more impact? Working on these five abilities can help. They seem doable to me. I mean, if George Clooney could learn it, why not you or I?