That dynamic plays out regardless of if the issue is a Health Club, a restaurant, a blog post or a relationship. Every interaction we have is affected by our expectations. And our satisfaction or dissatisfaction occurs even if our expectation is illogical or as uninformed as my implicit assumption about when the new Health Club would open its doors on Sunday. Yeah it was my own fault for not looking at the Sunday hours before I joined. But that didn’t stop me from being upset and disappointed with the Gym when the reality hit me. And it won’t stop your customers, your boss, your spouse or friends from being unhappy and dissatisfied when their implicit expectations about you – or your business – aren’t met, either. Which is an important point. Even if someone’s expectation is ill-conceived or illogical, (or like in my case, their own fault) if it’s not met, they will still be disappointed. And that disappointment can lead to a loss of trust in the relationship and maybe to a loss of business.

• If you are running a business, setting clear expectations is important for customer satisfaction. If your customers believe that your business will be doing something, and you don’t do it, good luck. You’ll have an unhappy customer. It’s one reason that an upscale hotel might receive lower ratings than a budget motel. While the upscale facility is observable better than the economy property, expectations for the luxury hotel may have been unrealistically high and not met.
• If you’re a manager, do your team members really understand what’s expected of them? Do you know what they expect from you? Have you worked through the differences to arrive at a clear understanding and agreement? If not, their level of motivation and engagement will probably suffer. That happens more often than you might imagine. According to research at the Gallup organization, only about half of employees believe that they know what is expected of them at work.
• As a parent, the expectations you establish – implicitly or explicitly – with your children communicate mountains of information to them. Clear expectations about their behavior and effort and their responsibilities within the family lead to better long-term relationships. Expectations in areas that they have less control over – like the outcomes you expect them to achieve or the abilities you believe they should develop – can lead to relationship problems.
• And for the rest of us, working to establish clear expectations with the people we work and live with is an essential – and often overlooked part – of building and maintaining strong relationships. One of the biggest withdrawals from the relationship bank account occurs when one or both sides in a relationship feel as if a basic expectation has not been met. It destroys the lifeblood of the relationship – Trust.

It could be as simple as expecting your significant other to call you at night before they go to bed when they travel. When they don’t, the voices start inside your head. Why haven’t they called? Are they ok? Don’t they want to talk to me? Meanwhile your significant other, who had a busy day and had no idea of the expectation, is blissfully unaware and fast asleep. Over time, even unmet expectations about seemingly little things can have a profound impact on the trust in the relationship.

Our work relationships are also built on expectations. Arriving at a common understanding with the people you interact with at work is an important relationship management strategy.

Reaching agreements with them about goals, communication, how you will work together and workplace behaviors will help put a foundation for trust in place.

Unfortunately, instead of having those conversations we often assume and act as if we share a common purpose and understanding. Maybe we act that way because we really believe it, or perhaps because we are uncomfortable confronting and talking about potential differences. Whatever the reasons, when misunderstandings inevitably occur, (and they almost always do) not only does performance suffer, but also the relationship. Blaming, disappointment and recrimination lead to less effective relationships.

So what can you do about it?

Here are 9 steps to get in front of the expectation gap.

1) Recognize the importance of expectations. Take the time – and the courage – to bring them into the open

2) Be clear in your own mind about what your expectations are. If you can’t articulate them to yourself, there’s no way they can be clear to the people you work or live with.

3) Identify the “why” of your expectations. What purpose do they serve? Are they rational and logical or are they based in emotion?

4) Make time to specifically talk about expectations with the people with whom you will be interacting. Those conversations can sometimes be a little daunting. Have courage.

5) Know what type of expectations to work towards. To create mutual understanding and set the relationship up for success, discuss and work towards agreement on:

• Expected Outcomes – Exactly what are you trying to accomplish together? Be as specific and concrete as possible.
• Timelines – If you are clarifying expectations about responsibilities, behaviors, goals or projects, timing may be important. Talk about “by when” things need to be done.
• Roles and Responsibilities – Who will be accountable for what?
• Processes – How will you work together to achieve the common goal? How will you communicate? How will you make decisions?
• Resources – what human, financial, technical or other resources will you and they have access to?

6) Take ownership and responsibility for ensuring that both sides expectations are surfaced. It’s not enough to unilaterally share your expectations. You need to be prepared to ask good questions and really listen to identify and understand the expectations of others

7) Make your intentions transparent. Explain the why’s and context behind your expectations and help the other person understand the bigger picture. Usually, the better they understand, the easier it will be to reach a mutually acceptable agreement. If you don’t explain your intentions the other person will come to their own conclusions about the “why’s” of your behavior.

8) Be proactive. Do your best to manage the expectations – the perceptions – of the people you interact with, particularly those you provide some type of service to. I had elbow surgery recently to repair a torn tendon. After 6 weeks I was still in considerable pain and had limited movement of my elbow. I felt disappointed and dissatisfied so I made an appointment to visit the surgeon. He explained that what I was experiencing was normal, and that rather than evaluating my progress day-to-day I should instead look for improvements week to week. It was good advice; however it came at the wrong time. That was information he should have shared immediately after the surgery to help proactively manage my perceptions about my recovery.

9) Don’t overpromise. Whether it is a customer interaction, a discussion with a colleague or an interaction with your five-year-old son, over-promising leads to unmet expectations. As a rule, promise a little less than you believe that you will be able deliver. Exceeding what you promised is another deposit in the relationship bank account.

The story goes that when Steve Jobs was trying to entice John Sculley to leave Pepsi-Cola and join Apple he used a powerful communication tool. He asked Sculley, “Do you want to spend the rest of your life selling sugared water, or do you want to change the world?” Given that comparison, Sculley of course, moved to Apple. Steve Jobs was a Master Communicator. He was adept at going beyond the facts to inspire, engage and influence.

Do you believe the facts speak for themselves? If you subscribe to that philosophy I bet that there have been times you’ve been disappointed by others not listening to, or accepting your “facts”. Let me be clear, it’s absolutely important to base your proposals and suggestions on a strong, supportable business case. But it’s the way you tell the facts that persuades.

In this post I want to move beyond the logical, rational, facts only approach. I want to focus on one little communication technique that, as Steve Job’s showed, can have a disproportionate impact; it’s a way of turbo charging a sentence or two to dramatically increase its persuasive horsepower.  See where I’m going with this? That’s right, Metaphor. A word or a phrase that’s used to make a comparison between two things. Metaphors can create an instant understanding in your listener. The right metaphor can be a catalyst for a dazzling sense of recognition. Many years ago, when my Drill Sargent at Marine Corps Officer Candidate’s School told me that I “was as smart as a soup sandwich” I didn’t need to ask for clarification. I knew exactly what he was implying. For the sake of this post, I’m lumping metaphors, analogies and similes all into the same bucket and simply referring to them as metaphors. Forgive me if I offend your grammatical sensibilities.

I mentioned to my wife that I was writing a blog post on using metaphors. Her response was “Does anybody care about that?” I guess the answer is I don’t know. But I do know that you should care. Metaphors can be a very powerful weapon in your influence arsenal. So, what does a good metaphor do for you?

• It creates a connection between your idea / proposal and something else with which your listener is more familiar. That familiarity can lower the potential resistance in your listener.
• It helps to simplify – often in a word or a sentence – a more complex issue. And with that simplification can come an increased sense of comfort on the listener’s part.
• It can tap into and evoke emotional connections between your idea and the issue you are comparing it to.
• It can create a sensory experience within your listener. They may feel, or see or even taste (sour grapes, anyone?) the association
• It can multiply / magnify the more factual or statistical evidence that you employ to persuade.
• It can alter the paradigm with which a person perceives the situation. By altering the paradigm, the metaphor can have a direct impact on the listener’s behavior.

The right metaphor is much more likely to be a surgical scalpel rather than a club. Many times your listener won’t even be aware of its impact. But just as the scalpel cuts a fine incision, a good metaphor can leave a lasting impact. That’s not just opinion. There’s actually research to back it up.

Professor Lera Boroditsky and doctoral candidate Paul Thibodeau of Stanford University conducted a study to gauge the impact of metaphor. Their research focused on attitudes towards crime. In five experiments, subjects were asked to read short paragraphs about rising crime rates in the fictional city of Addison and answer questions about the city. In some of the descriptions, crime was framed as “a beast” in others it was described as “a virus”. That was the only difference – 1 word – between the descriptions. The researchers found that the subject’s attitudes about, and solutions for, crime were influenced by the metaphor. Subjects who read about crime as a beast were much more likely to endorse a law enforcement solution while the subjects who read about crime as a virus were more likely to support social reform. They concluded “We find that even the subtlest instantiation of a metaphor (via a single word) can have a powerful influence over how people attempt to solve social problems like crime and how they gather information to make “well-informed” decisions. Interestingly, we find that the influence of the metaphorical framing effect is covert: people do not recognize metaphors as influential in their decisions; instead they point to more “substantive” (often numerical) information as the motivation for their problem-solving decision.”  The right metaphor can be a pretty powerful way of getting your message across.

I’m not particularly skilled at the use of metaphor, but I try hard. Sort of like that kid on the t-ball team who has an earnest look of determination on his face but misses both the ball and the T three times out of five. But I don’t think I’m unusual in my lack of skill. In my experience few people use metaphors as frequently or as skillfully as they should. Part of the problem may be hardwired. I’m a pretty literal person. I tend to most naturally focus on my senses for my data. I concentrate on what I can see and hear and touch. And then I naturally describe it back that way to the people I’m communicating with, using concrete, literal descriptions. In Jungian Typology (MBTI Preferences) I naturally have a preference relying on Sensing (S) for taking in information. A friend and colleague – Mack Munro – is the opposite. His preference is Intuition (N). He sees the same things I do but more naturally makes connections between them and other things. He tends to think and speak more metaphorically.

Sometimes, when he gets rolling, the metaphors come out like the staccato of bullets from a machine gun (See I told you I wasn’t great at this). I on the other hand sometimes have to be hit over the head with it, if it’s not completely spelled out. I can remember spending a month doing a writing assignment in my office, listening to the same Jack Johnson song – “Break Down” – probably a hundred times before it dawned on me that he wasn’t really singing about a train breaking down. It was a metaphor for living life. I don’t want to be too pedantic about the MBTI / Type connection so let me just say that statistically there aren’t that many people floating around with a preference for N (about 25%). So, most of us are hardwired to look at things – and communicate our ideas – literally rather than metaphorically. Metaphors don’t come as naturally to us.

So what. I’m not Eric Clapton but I can still play a reasonable guitar. Particularly compared to someone who doesn’t play the guitar at all.  Despite being metaphorically challenged I’m able to use them when I need to. And the more I practice, the stronger the muscle becomes (That’s me practicing again). I want to offer you some ideas for developing your own metaphoric muscles.

Crafting A Useful Metaphor

Because I don’t naturally think in metaphor, I use a three-step process when I want to develop one.

1.) Consider the paradigms and perspectives of your target audience. Their:

• Likely experiences
• Achievements
• Challenges
• Interests

Example: I developed and facilitate a seminar called Influencing without Authority, I typically market “Influencing Without Authority” to mid to large corporations and organizations around the world. I was talking with a VP of Learning & Development about her organization’s needs. Among other things, she described a matrixed organization that relied on a very collaborative cross functional process for developing and launching new products.

2.) Identify the key elements / attributes of your idea or proposal. What are they? How will it work? What are its benefits? List them out.

Example: “Influencing Without Authority” is usually conducted as a two-day work session, but it is scalable. It provides participants with mental maps for influencing, navigating organizational politics and for creating strong partnerships. It employs an Influence Assessment, Influence Mapping Tools, Micro-Skill Practices, Case Studies and Experiential Activities. Participation in the seminar can help improve communication, leadership and an individual’s ability to get things done.

3.) Brainstorm connections between the needs and experiences of the listener and the attributes and benefits of your idea / proposal. Be creative. Blue sky it. Think outside of the proverbial box – but not too far. Developing a good metaphor is like writing a new song. It should sound original and familiar at the same time

Example:

Need of Learning & Development VP: A way to improve interaction within a matrixed organization

Attribute of Influencing Without Authority Seminar: Focuses on communication Skills

Possible Comparisons: Bridge, Tool, Lens,

Possible Metaphor: Influencing Without Authority can provide participants with the communication tools they need to build a bridge across the cultural and functional differences that they face within their matrixed organization to create a shared vision.

I know, I know, building a bridge isn’t the most creative or elegant metaphor. But for me it’s a step in the right direction. And, despite its simplicity, I did end up getting the business.

Metaphors can seem like small part of an idea or proposal. But they can be disproportionately powerful for the space that they take up. Mark Twain wrote “The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and lightning bug”. A metaphor just may be the “right word” you’re looking for to turbocharge your next idea.

What are your thoughts? Any favorite metaphors for getting your ideas across?

I’m trying to change the language that I use. It’s been an uphill process. All right, maybe you need a little of the backstory. A few months ago a colleague and I had a difference of opinion (notice I didn’t say disagreement?) about a business project. Somehow during that conversation she shared with me that I sounded disgruntled. It was like a slap in the face and my immediate reaction (internally) was denial. I’m not feeling disgruntled. Why would she say that? This is more about her than about me. When the sting started to fade I was able to consider the comment a little more constructively. What did I do that might cause her to see me that way? I came to a realization that the language (words) I often use and the focus of my casual conversation (problems, challenges and personal disasters) might be contributing.

The words we use not only communicate intelligibly about a topic, they also communicate powerful messages about us personally as well. Sometimes the message they communicate is not the one that we intend. Positive language communicates a message of enthusiasm, confidence and credibility. Negative language can communicate a much different story – disengagement, frustration powerlessness. How would you prefer to be seen? You probably spend a great deal of your time and energy trying to influence others. According to a Qualtrics study of over 7000 participants, employees in the U.S. are spending about 40% of their time engaged in some form of influencing others. How you are seen – your personal brand – really matters. The words you choose can have a real impact.

The language we use can affect our personal brand in several ways

Likability

People like to do things for, and with, people they like. Long-term influence is driven – in part – by our likability. There are a number of traits that can contribute and positivity is high up on the list. We like people who have a positive outlook. If you’ve ever spent time with a colleague with the personality of Eeyore – the pessimistic, gloomy, depressed donkey from Winnie-The Pooh – you’ve experienced the contrast first hand. Their language, and the focus of their conversation bring us down. After a while we start to avoid them. They walk into the room and we let out a big sigh. It’s as if a dark cloud just rolled in and our dog just peed on our leg.

On the other hand people who use positive language make us feel good. The words they use and what they talk about elevate our mood. We feel better for having spent time with them. We like them.

Our ability to create a positive or negative emotional state in another person begins with the focus of our conversation. Do we use a negative or a positive frame in our communication?

Framing

Almost every situation that we experience can be seen from multiple perspectives – positive, negative or neutral. The way we naturally see a situation is probably a function of our personality, our mental models and our in-the-moment internal state. Framing is the process of consciously choosing one particular meaning – or set of meanings – over another. It begins internally and becomes apparent to others through the words we choose.

Yes, you absolutely have to be authentic. But that doesn’t mean that you have to accept every thought that comes in to your head. You get to choose how you experience a particular situation. You can choose to put it in a positive functional frame or you can choose to look at it negatively. Put that way most of us are going to say, “Well, I’ll choose to look at it positively”. The problem is that many of us – myself included – often allow the frame and meaning to develop on its own rather than making a conscious choice.

I worked on a large project a couple of years ago with a number of other people. After the completion of the three-day launch event we were debriefing and I saw first hand both positive and negative framing. One colleague, a very intelligent and perceptive individual gave his impressions:

“The materials had a number of errors. The Coaches weren’t focusing on the right issues. We can’t continue to use that instrument. It’s too complex, participants aren’t able to understand it well enough to use it in their interactions.” He went on painting a picture of doom and gloom by focusing on what he saw as being wrong with the kick-off.

Another stakeholder painted a different picture with her frame.

“I thought that we made real improvements in this kick-off versus last years. All of the participants seemed really engaged throughout all three days. The timing of the activities seemed to work really well. I noticed participants really using the tools in their breakout sessions. I also think the Coaches seem to understand the conceptual model and the process that they are going to be involved in. I do think that it’s going to take some time for them to grow into their roles. But we do have a process in place to work with them over the next year.”

A negative frame focuses on what’s wrong or what can’t be done. It may have a connotation of blame. A positive frame focuses on opportunities and possibilities. It describes what can or might be done. It has a tone of optimism or helpfulness.

How do you frame? Do you tend to focus on what’s wrong and point out problems? Or are you able to notice and communicate what’s right about a situation? I’m not suggesting that you ignore a problem. However, the way you describe it – the frame you put around it – will affect how others perceive it. It will also affect how they perceive you.

The Power Of A Single Word

A metaphor is a type of frame. We use metaphors and analogies to make comparisons and communicate a perspective about an issue. The way we frame the metaphor can have an impact on another’s perceptions and attitudes. Psychology Professor Lera Boroditsky and doctoral candidate Paul Thibodeau of Stanford University conducted a study to gauge the impact of metaphor. Their research focused on attitudes towards crime. In five experiments, subjects were asked to read short paragraphs about rising crime rates in the fictional city of Addison and answer questions about the city. In some of the descriptions, crime was framed as “a beast” in others it was described as “a virus”. That was the only difference – 1 word – between the descriptions. The researchers found that the subject’s attitudes about, and solutions for, crime were influenced by the metaphor frame. Subjects who read about crime as a beast were much more likely to endorse a law enforcement solution while the subjects who read about crime as a virus were more likely to support social reform. Somehow I have to think that our national politicians are acutely aware of the power of framing.

There is also evidence that words can have an impact on the physiology of the brain as well. Just as the written frame influenced the attitude of the research subject, our internal frame influences our own attitudes and behaviors. The way we see a situation – our mental map – will affect how we talk about it. We can just let nature take its course and allow whatever mental map is in place to dictate the frame that we communicate, or we can consciously choose the lens through which we will view an issue or situation.

Positive Language

So the words we use to describe something, whether they be self talk in our own mind or spoken aloud to a room full of people affect how we view a situation. Positive language is the language of optimism and confidence. When we use it, it can create attitudes and behaviors that lead to a positive self-fulfilling prophecy. Negative language focuses on blame and reactivity. It can paint an unflattering picture of who we are or what we are about. So what types of language can frame negative or positive?

                                                         Negative                          Positive

                                                            No                                        Yes

                                                            Sure                                     Absolutely

                                                            I Can’t                                 I Will

                                                            I Have To                           I Choose To

                                                            I Must                                 I Want

                                                            All right                              Yes

                                                            Yes But                               Yes And

                                                            That’s just the way it is    Let’s explore our options

It’s easy to develop a pattern of negative language. Robert Schrauf at Penn State found that we have far more words in our vocabulary that express negative feelings rather than positive emotions. His research found a consistent 50% Negative 30% Positive 20% Neutral ratio across cultures.

The Negative Impact On You

Not only can the words we use create negative perceptions in others, they can also create or reinforce negative attitudes and paradigms within our own internal state. In addition to revealing negative self-beliefs, our language can act as a type of self-programing mechanism. Our subconscious hears and responds to our language. There’s a walnut shaped structure in the middle of our brain called the Thalamus. It relays sensory information about the outer world to other parts of the brain. According to Andrew Newberg and Mark Waldman the Thalamus doesn’t differentiate between real and imagined. It processes our words and thoughts similarly to how it treats what we see, and hear and experience with our senses. It doesn’t distinguish between outer reality and how you’ve internally framed the issue.

“Our language-based thoughts shape our consciousness, and consciousness shapes the reality we perceive. So choose your words wisely because they become as real as the ground on which you stand. Andrew Newberg & Mark Robert Waldman “Words Can Change Your Brain”

Actions You Can Take

1. Monitor Your Self-Talk. We All talk to ourselves. Pretty much all the time. We have a rich internal dialogue in which our everyday consciousness is engaged in a running commentary of what we experience and imagine. Listen to what you are saying to yourself. Is it positive or negative? It all starts on the inside. If you hear your self-talk saying “this sucks, it’s unfair, I can’t”, or some other negative comment, you can do something about it. Make some positive changes. Replay that self talk in a more optimistic, more positive language.
2. Create A Psychological Space. Events can sometimes come out of the blue and lead to a knee-jerk negative response. I was walking across 8th Avenue in NYC over the summer and had a guy in a drop top Mercedes come within 3 inches of hitting me. I wasn’t expecting it and my internal framing and loud external language was positivity challenged (to say the least). When you encounter a negative situation, try to create space between the event and your response. Pause, count to six, ask questions, whatever works for you. That space will give you an opportunity to formulate a more positive response.
3. Consciously Choose A Positive Response. Make a decision – in the moment – to use language that looks at the issue in a positive – or at least neutral frame. Rather than focusing on what can’t be done offer alternatives. Instead of pointing fingers and blaming, accept ownership for improving things. Rather than limit your influence, consciously communicate optimism and confidence by using affirming language.
4. Say Good Things About Yourself. If our subconscious is listening and paying attention to our self talk, beating ourselves up in our internal dialogue can do significant damage. Maybe it’s time to start giving yourself some kudos and positive feedback. Celebrate your accomplishments. Focus on what you’ve done well don’t dwell on the stuff that hasn’t worked out.Let other people know about your achievements.
5. Pump Up The Positive When possible – and appropriate – pump up the positivity. Instead of saying the meeting was good, how about really good or even excellent. Remember our internal frame and language can affect our internal programing. Make a conscious choice to boost your emotional affect.
6. Become A Positive Contagion. Your attitude and energy can be contagious. When people like or feel comfortable with you they will often mirror you subconsciously. Work to be the person who raises the energy and the mood in the room.

For me, maintaining a positive frame and using positive language is an ongoing process. I don’t do it naturally. I have to work at it. But I am finding that the more I do it, the easier it becomes. I was at a restaurant with my wife and daughter the other night when the light immediately above our table went out. They both started complaining about it. My positive response was “Maybe we can ask them for candles. It could be nice here with candlelight.” My daughter looked at me in disbelief and asked, “Who are you?”

Baby steps, I keep reminding myself. Baby steps.

Well crap! That’s not what I want to hear. I am many things, but quick thinking? I think not. I’m great at Trivial Pursuit or even “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire”, but nobody in my family wants me on their team for Celebrity Name Game or Pictionary. Does that mean that my dream of being charismatic – or at least more charismatic – is doomed to failure? People with higher levels of Charisma get noticed and listened to. They’re more influential. I’d like that, wouldn’t you?

What Is Charisma?

First off, let’s make sure that we are on the same page about what we mean by Charisma. The dictionary defines it as:

1. Compelling attractiveness or charm that can inspire devotion in others

Man, this just keeps getting worse and worse for me. Attractiveness? Charm?

2. A divinely conferred power or talent

Divinely conferred? Does that mean that you are either born with Charisma or not? This is starting to sound a bit hopeless.

Let me approach Charisma from a different angle. Another way to look at Charisma is in the impact that it has on us.  When we perceive someone as Charismatic, we have some type of positive emotional reaction to the person. Something about them captures our attention and impresses us. We may develop a sense of awe and admiration about them. Or it may be more about how they may make us feel. Many years ago when I was being trained in psychology I had a professor named George Regensburg. When he spoke with me, I always felt that I had his complete attention. His ability to focus that attention made me feel special. He made me feel good about myself. So in a way Charisma is the ability to inspire awe or admiration in someone else and / or the ability to make someone else feel special.

Is Charisma Hardwired?

According to Von Hippel’s research there probably are aspects of Charisma that are more hardwired:

• Thinking speed – What I describe as the ability to process information and respond quickly
• Divergent Response – Von Hippel describes it as the ability to come back with an unexpected answer or a surprising association.

There doesn’t seem to be a great deal I can do about those qualities. I can’t see myself turbocharging my thinking speed or somehow becoming the reincarnation of Robin Williams. 

But there are other aspects of Charisma that can be developed. Many of the behaviors can be learned. Sure, some people have more of a natural talent for it, but we can all learn how to be more Charismatic. The people we see as being Charismatic today, probably weren’t always so. George Clooney is the personification of Charisma. Charming, articulate and with a presence that commands attention. But I remember seeing George Clooney early in his career as Booker Brookes on that 90’s sitcom Roseanne. He was pretty much the antithesis of Charisma at that point in his life! You can’t tell me Charisma isn’t a learned behavior.

How To Develop Your Personal Charisma

I want to offer 5 abilities that you can learn and develop to become more Charismatic. Each of the abilities has qualities and skills associated with it. Because this is a Post – and not a book –  I’m going to limit myself to describing the “what” and not the “how” of each ability.

1.  Be Aware Of And In Control Of Your  Internal State

Charisma develops from the inside – out. What I mean by that is that it starts on the inside with our beliefs and emotional controls. When we have it right on the inside, only then can we act and behave Charismatically on the outside. The way we manage our internal state is a prerequisite for Charismatic behavior. Our emotions make up a large part of that internal state. They have a tremendous impact on how we experience and interact with the rest of the world. Being aware of what we are experiencing emotionally gives us the opportunity to choose a more functional emotion. Instead of being angry I can choose to be motivated. Instead of feeling upset because of something a colleague has said, I can reframe my understanding of their behavior and respond more constructively.

A quote by Bishop Fulton Sheen says it perfectly:

“Each of us makes his own weather, determines the color of the skies in the emotional universe which he inhabits.”

Each of us has the ability to choose our emotional response. Learn how to choose a functional, useful response.

2. Be Present

Charismatic people have a presence about them. Being present – in the moment – is an essential ingredient to developing that presence. Being Present is about maintaining a moment by moment awareness of our internal thoughts, sensations and feelings as well as the external environment – the people & activities – that we are interacting with. Being present in the moment is critical for Charisma in that enables us to truly focus our attention. When I was a young second lieutenant in the Marine Corps, General P.X Kelly (He would later become the Commandant of the Marine Corps) came to talk to my battalion. I happened to be sitting in the front row for his remarks. When he made eye contact with me, I felt a jolt. It was as if he was speaking only to me. Focus. Presence.

3. Be Confident

Being confident begins with knowing who you are and being comfortable in your own skin. It’s amazing how important self-awareness is, isn’t it? Being confident on the inside doesn’t always equate to appearing confident on the outside, but sometimes there is actually a reciprocal effect. In other words acting confident on the outside can lead to being more confident on the inside. So what are some of the behaviors of confidence?

• Engage in positive self talk internally
• Have the courage to speak your mind respectfully
• Use positive language that demonstrates ownership and control like “I will” and “I can” instead of “I have to “I can’t” or “If only”
• Be proactive; initiate contact and take action
• Demonstrate enthusiasm
• Trust yourself

4. Practice Charismatic Nonverbal and Paraverbal Behaviors

We humans seem hard-wired to take in more of, and place more importance on, the body language and tone of the people we are interacting with, than on the actual words they use. It runs counter to our fantasies of living in a logical, rational world, but we’ve been depending on our ability to decode body language and tone of voice for our survival much longer than we’ve had access to the spoken or written word.

Study after study emphasize the importance of body language and tone of voice, and new technology has made it possible to monitor and prove it outside the lab. Dr Alex Pentland and his colleagues at MIT’s Media Lab have done multiple experiments in call centers where, using wearable devices, they have been able to track the tone of voice (not their actual words) and upper body movements of call center employees. They’ve developed algorithms that are able to accurately predict in seconds the likelihood of a sale simply based on tone and body language. Nonverbals and paraverbals matter. A lot!

The question is which ones lead to perceptions of Charisma? According to Olivia Fox Cabane in her book The Charisma Myth:

• Power – Some of how we perceive power is contextual – how others interact with the person, their status in the organization. But much of our perceptions come from the  tone and nonverbals. Handshake, posture, tone of voice, attire, eye contact, and gestures can all create a perception of power.
•  Warmth – Warmth is about how others perceive our intentions towards them. Do they see us as having their interests? As having goodwill and being benevolent? Saying you’ve got their back isn’t enough. Your tone and body language have to match the message. It’s difficult to fake. People see through the lack of authenticity.

 Perceptions of both Power and Warmth can lead to being seen as Charismatic. Wonderful if you are able to pull off both. But I’ve known Charismatic individuals who were certified jerks. So either Power or Warmth may be its own, separate pathway to Charisma.

5. Use The Language Of Charisma

Language may not be sufficient on its own, but when married with the right internal state and body language, the words you use can touch emotions and create connections.

• Frame your ideas for your audience. Know their issues and hot buttons.
• Use analogies to create a connection between your idea and their experience. Metaphors and analogies create an instant understanding and help the other person to experience what you want them to experience.
• Tell a story to connect emotionally. Think emotions don’t matter? Neuroscientist Antonio Damasio studied people with lesions in the part of the brain where emotions are generated. He found that they were normal, except that they were not able to feel emotions. They also had something else in common. They weren’t able to make decisions. Emotions are at the core of who we are. They affect all of our decisions.

 Why You Should Care About Charisma

Well, there you have it. Five abilities that you can practice and develop to become more Charismatic.

Charisma isn’t just about showing off or having the spotlight. It’s a behavioral tool for getting things done. Would you like your good ideas to be heard and acted on? The more Charismatic you are, the more people will pay attention to what you have to say. If you are a manager or aspire to leadership, influencing others is an important part of your job. Charisma is influence. And regardless of what role you play within your organization, wouldn’t you like to have more impact? Working on these five abilities can help. They seem doable to me. I mean, if George Clooney could learn it, why not you or I?

Last week I put together a proposal for a perspective client and had a colleague look at it before sending it out. After reading it, she pointed out some of the ways that I could improve the proposal, and did it in a way that left me feeling good about the whole exchange. I immediately made the changes that she recommended. It got me thinking about the skillful way that she made her suggestions and the art of giving effective feedback.

It’s such an integral part of building and maintaining strong relationships. We all need to be able to do it, but so often  we have trouble with it. We stress about it, put it off and when it finally reaches a tipping point it often comes out in a way that ends up being seen as a personal attack or as unfair, or as just plain WRONG. It pushes the emotional buttons of the other person to the point where they become defensive and stop listening to the feedback. Feedback like that does no one any good. The good news is that there are a few simple rules to follow to make the feedback you give easier for others to hear and accept.

    1) Pick The Right Time And Place

When you give corrective feedback to someone you are hoping that they are going to hear it, accept it and make the changes that you are suggesting. A very easy way to make that not happen is to choose the wrong time or place to give the feedback. Will they be more receptive to your feedback when they are still angry and emotional because of the mistake they’ve made, or after they’ve had a chance to calm down? Will it be easier for them to hear what you have to say at 5 PM on Friday or at 1030 am? Everyone’s different, but in general:

• Provide corrective feedback in private
• Pick a time when the other person is able to hear what you have to say.

    2) Give It For The Right Reason

Why are you giving the feedback? To help the other person, or to put them down? Ideally, it’s to help the other person learn, develop or grow. There are times, however, when we have to provide feedback that is more about influencing another person’s behavior than helping them to grow. We NEED them to do something differently for our reasons or because our role requires it. Even in those situations, it’s important to keep in mind that people do things for their reasons, not ours. Do your best to empathize and see things from their perspective. Then provide your feedback as gently and positively as possible

    3) Ask Before You Tell

Before you provide any feedback, make sure that you really know what the other person is experiencing. I was leading a seminar last year and the participants had developed ground rules for how the seminar should run. One of the ground rules was that participants wouldn’t use smartphones while the seminar was in session. As I was working with the group on the second day I couldn’t help but notice a guy sitting with his hands beneath his table texting furiously. My immediate reaction was to walk over to him and remind him of the ground rule. But instead of doing that – in front of the rest of the group – I bit my tongue and waited for a break. At the break, I went up to him and asked a question: “Is everything ok?” It turned out that everything was not ok. He was in from out-of-town and had gotten a text from his wife that morning that his mother had been taken to the hospital. If I had jumped the gun and started offering feedback before I knew the whole story I would have felt about 3 inches tall.

We see things from our own perspectives. It’s important to recognize that others have their own experiences and motivations and are seeing things through their own set of lenses. Without knowing how they see things, your feedback may miss its target. Before you point out what someone needs to do differently ask for information, in as nonjudgmental a way possible.

    4) Make Your Feedback Specific And Descriptive

A lot of feedback is offered in an accusatory, judgmental way. And it doesn’t get the results that the sender would like. Here’s an example of nonspecific and non-descriptive feedback:

“Janet you don’t seem committed to our project team.”

Is that specific and descriptive? Absolutely not! Commitment is an internal state. It’s about feelings and emotions. People don’t respond well to having their minds read, and most of us aren’t particularly good at it.

Try to focus your feedback on what the person did – their behaviors. Instead of “Janet you don’t seem committed to our project team.” , describe what Janet has done that has led you to that conclusion. You might say “ Janet I noticed that you left the room in the middle of the meeting this morning”; or “Janet I noticed that you were on your laptop, working on an expense report during the team meeting this morning”, or “Janet I noticed that you fell asleep during the project team meeting this morning.” All of those are more specific and descriptive. Did you see why? Because they focus on the person’s behavior, not their internal state, or feelings of motivations.

    5) Provide Examples Of The Behaviors

Sometimes (actually pretty often) when we are given feedback, even when it’s specific and behavioral, it’s hard to accept. So as a natural defense mechanism we deny – “I don’t do that”, “Who me?”. When you give feedback, help the person you are giving it to avoid denial. Provide them with specific examples of when they’ve engaged in the behavior: “Janet when you come late to our team meetings, like you did on Monday (example) and Friday (example).

    6) Use I-Messages To Own Your Perspective And Describe The Impact On You

For those of you who aren’t familiar with them, “I-messages are not about using your I-phone to text. A behavioral “I-message” is a less judgmental, less provocative way of getting part of your message across. It can be used to express an opinion or a feeling. It’ll be easier to understand if I contrast it with a you message.

You Message: “You made me angry when you came late to our project team meeting”.

Think about the potential impact of a You Message:

• It may feel like an attack
• It may feel as if you are blaming them for something
• It may hurt the other person’s feelings.

All of those potential impacts can lead to resistance. I-messages are less likely to have those negative impacts. Here’s an I-message for the same situation:

I-Message: “I got angry when you came late to our project team meeting”.

In some ways, the I-message is very similar to the first You Message. In another way it’s radically different. Did you notice how it’s different? It’s about ownership of the feelings. In the You Message I was pushing the ownership onto the other person. They caused me to be angry. With the I-message I accept ownership of my own feelings. That makes them easier for the other person to hear and accept. The real meaning of communication is in the impact that it has. I-messages have a less provocative, easier to accept impact.

    7) Link Their Behavior To Its Consequence

Once you’ve described the behavior that they’ve engaged in, provided examples and used I-Messages, the next step is to let them know why they should change by describing the natural negative consequences. In the project team meeting example from above, the natural consequences of Janet not attending team meetings might be

“We don’t get the benefit of your expertise when we are making decisions and we may make the wrong choice without your input. We could miss the target deadline.”

Not having the benefit of her expertise and making the wrong decisions are the natural consequences of Janet not being at the meeting. I’m trying to show her why she should change her behavior. Now, if Janet doesn’t care about the project — or about me for that matter — the consequences that I’ve described won’t have much of an impact. At least not the impact that I want. So I want to do my best to link a consequence that has a WIIFM – What’s In It For Me. In this case, what’s in it for Janet. If you can’t come up with one that is personally relevant use an organizational WIIFM. Missing the deadline matters to the organization. It’s an organizational WIIFM.

In The Real World

It may be difficult when you need to give corrective feedback to someone who matters to you in the real world to think back to this post and remember these guidelines. Luckily, there’s a simple little word chain that you can learn that will help you channel your feedback in the right direction. I call it Instant Feedback but its origins go all the way back to Thomas Gordon and his Leadership Effectiveness Training. Remember five words: When you, I feel, Because.

1. When you (Describe the behavior and provide examples)
2. I feel (Use an I message to own your perspective)
3. Because (Link the behavior to its impact)

So for our example, with the project team, it might look something like:

1. When you come late to our project team meetings, like you did on Thursday
2. I feel frustrated
3. Because we aren’t able to make well formed decisions without your input and I’m concerned that we won’t be able to meet our target deadlines.

It’s as simple as that. Remember those five words to give feedback that is easier for the other person to hear and accept. Try it with someone today! Download and use this FEEDBACK PLANNER to help organize your thoughts.

We were talking about building relationships in a personal leadership seminar I was teaching and Rachel brought up an interesting issue. She had been working hard to build a positive work relationship with one of her colleagues, but despite her best efforts, she didn’t feel that she had made much progress. She felt a bit frustrated and discouraged. She’d done everything she could think of, including grand gestures to win this person over, and despite his “thanks for the help” he always reverted back to the same apparent lack of interest. She was wondering what she was doing wrong and if it was a hopeless case.

I bet that many of you have found yourself in similar situations. It’s tricky isn’t it? You need to have a positive relationship with the person. You have to work closely with them. Maybe your livelihood depends on them. But it seems as if you are in a one way relationship. You are the only one putting in the effort. You don’t want to come off as fawning or worse yet, as a looking like a stalker, but you need to work closely with this person. The quality of your relationship with them will affect your ability to get your job done. How much energy should you put into it? When should you throttle back and devote your time and resources elsewhere?

I think I’ve been to that rodeo once or twice. Let me offer a few hard-won ideas to try to put the situation into perspective.

#1: Don’t take it personally – remember it’s more about them than you

It can be natural to ask yourself “what’s wrong with me?” when a relationship seems one-sided. It’s important to recognize that their apparent lack of interest may be much more about them than about you. People are wired differently. We have different personalities, preferences and needs. Rachel is a people person. She has a need to create connections. She comes across as warm and caring and I suspect that she goes out of her way to help people. It’s a natural part of her personality. Many of us have a different operating system. I am more naturally task focused than people oriented. I like people just fine, but my instinctive reaction in group discussions or when solving a problem is to attack the task or the issue as if there is a right and a wrong answer. I intuitively ask questions and advance ideas to try to get to that “right” answer. I’ve learned over the years that while I may genuinely like and care for someone, my approach can come across as cold or uncaring to someone like Rachel. I’ve come to realize that the people side is always part of the equation and that in order to solve problems and make decisions in the world of work I have to not only give it equal attention, I have to demonstrate my interest and caring in every conversation. It took me a long time to reach that point. It doesn’t sound as if Rachel’s colleague has gotten there yet.

#2 Identify what type of relationship you want

What does a positive work relationship mean to you? Think about our ultimate relationship commitment – marriage. There are different types of marriages, from the couple who do everything together, to the pair who cohabitate and co-parent but have little emotional intimacy. Marriages come in different flavors, as do business relationships. Here are some of the different types and levels of work relationships:

• Contact Relationship – You and the other person have met. You know one another’s names and (maybe) faces, but you have low levels of interaction, intimacy and trust.
• Exchange Relationship – From time to time you need something from one another. Trust is relatively low so you operate on a quid pro quo basis conducting informal negotiations to exchange resources. There’s little contact or intimacy beyond those resource exchanges.
• Transactional Relationship – You work together on a regular basis. Your interactions are task focused, but there is little social or emotional connection beyond the surface. Trust is limited to the transactions that you normally engage in.
• Advisory Relationship – You work closely with the other person. The relationship has moderate to high degrees of trust and low to moderate levels of intimacy. Usually the other person has a higher level of positional power or organizational status.
• Collaborative Relationship – You work together closely on a regular or project basis. The relationship is between two equals who recognize their need to work together. Your interactions with the other person are based on both respect for their abilities and a genuine regard. There are moderate to high levels of trust. You may socialize occasionally.
• Partnership – You and the other person both recognize your mutual interdependence and need to work closely together. You know one another well and both feel a responsibility for maintaining the relationship. You socialize together regularly and share a mutual respect and high levels of trust.

Think about one of your relationships. What level of relationship are you hoping for with the person? What level would still be workable? Where is it now?  The deeper the level, the more time and energy you will have to devote to building and maintaining it.

#3 Benchmark Where The Relationship Is Now

It’s always important to know where you are starting from, so that you can get to where you want to go. The first step in improving a relationship is to take stock and identify what’s working and what’s not.Take a good look at one of your current relationships. How do you assess its’ current health? Does the other person:

• See you as competent?
• Solicit your advice and give it weight?
• Trust you?
• Like you?
• Openly share information with you?
• Treat you as you want to be treated?
• Support you with others? Do they have your back?
• Forgive you when you make a mistake?
• See you as an equal?
• Give you what you need from them on the business / task issues?
• Give you what you need from them on the socio-emotional issues?
• Seem to truly value the relationship?

How would the other person rate your side of the relationship?

The qualities I’ve described above are characteristic of a pretty deep work relationship – collaborative or partnership. Lower levels of relationships will have fewer of the characteristics. But it’s helpful to identify where you are and where you aspire to be in the relationship

What do you like about your current relationship? What’s going well? Where is it falling short? What would you like to change about the relationship?

#4 Make a conscious decision about how much to invest in the relationship

Deeper relationships require more time and emotional investments. How much are you willing to invest? That decision probably depends in part on how important, and necessary, you see the relationship as being in terms of accomplishing your work goals.

But it’s not just you. Consider the other person. How much are they willing to invest? Relationships are two way streets. If only one side is interested, the depth of the relationship will be limited. Here are some of the requirements for a deeper work relationship:

• A desire for a relationship
• Appreciation of strengths and differences
• Genuineness & transparency
• Positive intent: The classic win / win mindset

The requirements aren’t enough on their own. Think of them as your ticket to the dance. They make a deeper relationship possible, but on their own they don’t ensure a great work relationship.

So does the relationship you’ve been thinking of meet all four of the requirements? If not, consider making some changes.  How about the other person? If they’re lacking any of those requirements, consider it a relationship red light. The deeper levels of positive work relationship probably aren’t going to be possible.

Consider what level of relationships is possible and make a decision about how much time to invest. If the requirements are in place for both sides, consider that the green light. Start investing time and effort in moving up the ladder of work relationships.

Pretty much everything you do with other people requires influence. Nobody HAS to do what you want them to do. Even if you are the CEO of the whole organization, your ability to persuade others to embrace and follow your vision will make the difference between success and failure. Positional power only gets you so far – right up to about compliance. Reaching commitment and ownership requires influence, even at the top. And most of us aren’t the CEO. Which means that we have even less power and authority to get people to do what we need them to do.

Influence isn’t some Jedi mind control trick. It’s about getting your idea or proposal a fair hearing; it’s about being a trusted advisor; it’s about having credibility. Influence is the ability to positively  affect the beliefs, attitudes or behavior of the person with whom you’re working. Some people are able to influence naturally. They seem to have an innate ability to build relationships and gain commitment. Others of us have to work at it. But it is a skill – like playing pool, skiing, or even dancing. You can learn how to improve your influence.

But beyond the actual skill set of influencing, there is a self-generated roadblock that prevents many of us from acquiring the influence that we’d like: Our Mindset about influencing.

Influence Mindset

What you get on the outside – your behaviors – is a function of what you start with on the inside – your mindset. Your beliefs and attitudes about influencing will have a dramatic impact on how – and maybe if – you engage wholeheartedly in the process of influence. What’s your take on influencing? Which of these statements best reflects how you look at the process?

• Influencing is about hidden agendas and manipulation; it’s disingenuous and false
• Influencing is about kissing up
• Influencing is irrelevant; Merit is what matters
• Influencing is important, but it’s not really my job; It’s not how I want to spend my time
• Influencing is how most things get done; I work at it

If you see influencing as an inherently negative process built on flattery or deception how much of your time and energy are you likely to devote to it? Not much, right? It’s going to be difficult (understatement) to improve your organizational influence if you don’t work at it.

If, on the other hand, you believe that influencing is an important part of your job, then you are more likely to make it a priority and work at. By working at it, you stand a much better chance of improving your influencing skills.

So let’s take a closer look at some of the implicit beliefs that may lead to Dysfunctional Mindsets that can actually get in the way of your influence success.

Influencing Is About Hidden Agendas And Manipulation

Manipulation involves trying to get another person to do something they don’t want to do through underhanded or deceptive methods. Let’s take those tactics off of the table right from the start. They are simply unacceptable in today’s work organizations. While some people do engage in them, they lead to a dead-end. Long-term influence is built on a trusting relationship. Hidden agendas and deception will use up that trust faster than Donald Trump will find someone to blame. Manipulation is a high stakes gamble that almost never pays off in the long run. And then there is the ethical side of hidden agendas and manipulation. Most normal, emotionally healthy people have a moral compass that will let them know what is, and isn’t ethical. The key is to listen to that compass.

Influencing Is About Kissing Up

There’s no denying that most of us like to hear how great we are. It’s recognition of our efforts. It makes us feel good about ourselves. Making a point of recognizing another person’s contributions and ideas is actually a good thing. According to the research it doesn’t happen enough in most work organizations. It’s not kissing up if it’s true. Recognizing good ideas and accomplishments is something that you should be doing regularly with everybody that you work with. It lets them know that you noticed them. It can help them to see you as a positive person. It makes them feel more comfortable with you.

If you take it too far it can become kissing up or brown-nosing. Neither are likely to pay off in the long run. Both lack authenticity. When your recognition of their good ideas and actions crosses the line into fawning territory, you’ve gone too far. If you are only pointing out the Boss’s good ideas (and not your coworkers or direct reports), you’ve gone too far. If you are gushing giddily about irrelevant issues, you’ve gone too far.

When you take a positive too far it can become a negative, and that’s what can happen with providing recognition. It can make your feedback feel disingenuous to the person on the receiving end. Being seen as genuine and authentic (as well as actually being genuine and authentic) is a prerequisite for a positive relationship. It’s a fine line but you need to stay on the right side of it.

Influencing Is Irrelevant; Merit Is What Matters

We like to think that we operate in logical, rational organizational systems that are put together in a way that good ideas – and good performance – will automatically be recognized and rise to the top. Turns out, that’s not really the case is it? It’s not true for society (take a look at The Meritocracy Myth by McNamee and Miller) and it’s not true for our work organizations either.

We work in human systems. People aren’t machines. We have selective perception, individual needs and motives and emotions. All of those factors, and more, influence how we work with one another and how make decisions. Good ideas are great. But how many good ideas go unfulfilled because the right people haven’t heard or understood them? If you wait for your great idea or proposal to take off and fly on its own you may end up feeling disappointed. The way the idea is framed and presented matters. The quality of your relationships matter. Getting the idea to the right person matters.

Influencing Is Important, But It’s Not Really My Job; It’s Not How I Want To Spend My Time

You may have been trained as an engineer or as an accountant. Your job may involve teaching others or building cars. But you are probably already spending a significant amount of your time engaged in influencing others.

Dan Pink (To Sell Is Human 2012) commissioned a study by Qualtrics to gauge how we spend our time at work. The study involved over 9000 participants in the US. One of the findings of the study is that today, people are spending about 40% of their workday in non-sales selling – persuading, convincing and influencing others. Whether it’s your boss or a coworker, a client or a direct report, you are likely spending on average about 24 minutes of every hour you are at work engaged in the influence process. If you don’t recognize it as an important part of your job, if you don’t consciously put time and effort into doing it well, you are doing yourself and your organization a disservice.

Your Influence Mindset
Your Mindset – the way you see an issue – will have a major impact on how you act on that issue. And of course how you act will lead to the results that you attain. You have a cruise control in your car. You set that cruise control and it limits you speed to a narrow range. Your mindset is like that cruise control on steroids. It filters the information you take in and it directs your behavior.

The good news is that you have a choice about your Influence Mindset. You can allow your implicit, subconscious beliefs about influencing to limit the energy and focus that you give to that process. Or you can take a more proactive approach and choose to use a more functional Mindset that will enable you to begin to expand your sphere of influence. So what do you think? What’s your Mindset about influencing?