That dynamic plays out regardless of if the issue is a Health Club, a restaurant, a blog post or a relationship. Every interaction we have is affected by our expectations. And our satisfaction or dissatisfaction occurs even if our expectation is illogical or as uninformed as my implicit assumption about when the new Health Club would open its doors on Sunday. Yeah it was my own fault for not looking at the Sunday hours before I joined. But that didn’t stop me from being upset and disappointed with the Gym when the reality hit me. And it won’t stop your customers, your boss, your spouse or friends from being unhappy and dissatisfied when their implicit expectations about you – or your business – aren’t met, either. Which is an important point. Even if someone’s expectation is ill-conceived or illogical, (or like in my case, their own fault) if it’s not met, they will still be disappointed. And that disappointment can lead to a loss of trust in the relationship and maybe to a loss of business.

• If you are running a business, setting clear expectations is important for customer satisfaction. If your customers believe that your business will be doing something, and you don’t do it, good luck. You’ll have an unhappy customer. It’s one reason that an upscale hotel might receive lower ratings than a budget motel. While the upscale facility is observable better than the economy property, expectations for the luxury hotel may have been unrealistically high and not met.
• If you’re a manager, do your team members really understand what’s expected of them? Do you know what they expect from you? Have you worked through the differences to arrive at a clear understanding and agreement? If not, their level of motivation and engagement will probably suffer. That happens more often than you might imagine. According to research at the Gallup organization, only about half of employees believe that they know what is expected of them at work.
• As a parent, the expectations you establish – implicitly or explicitly – with your children communicate mountains of information to them. Clear expectations about their behavior and effort and their responsibilities within the family lead to better long-term relationships. Expectations in areas that they have less control over – like the outcomes you expect them to achieve or the abilities you believe they should develop – can lead to relationship problems.
• And for the rest of us, working to establish clear expectations with the people we work and live with is an essential – and often overlooked part – of building and maintaining strong relationships. One of the biggest withdrawals from the relationship bank account occurs when one or both sides in a relationship feel as if a basic expectation has not been met. It destroys the lifeblood of the relationship – Trust.

It could be as simple as expecting your significant other to call you at night before they go to bed when they travel. When they don’t, the voices start inside your head. Why haven’t they called? Are they ok? Don’t they want to talk to me? Meanwhile your significant other, who had a busy day and had no idea of the expectation, is blissfully unaware and fast asleep. Over time, even unmet expectations about seemingly little things can have a profound impact on the trust in the relationship.

Our work relationships are also built on expectations. Arriving at a common understanding with the people you interact with at work is an important relationship management strategy.

Reaching agreements with them about goals, communication, how you will work together and workplace behaviors will help put a foundation for trust in place.

Unfortunately, instead of having those conversations we often assume and act as if we share a common purpose and understanding. Maybe we act that way because we really believe it, or perhaps because we are uncomfortable confronting and talking about potential differences. Whatever the reasons, when misunderstandings inevitably occur, (and they almost always do) not only does performance suffer, but also the relationship. Blaming, disappointment and recrimination lead to less effective relationships.

So what can you do about it?

Here are 9 steps to get in front of the expectation gap.

1) Recognize the importance of expectations. Take the time – and the courage – to bring them into the open

2) Be clear in your own mind about what your expectations are. If you can’t articulate them to yourself, there’s no way they can be clear to the people you work or live with.

3) Identify the “why” of your expectations. What purpose do they serve? Are they rational and logical or are they based in emotion?

4) Make time to specifically talk about expectations with the people with whom you will be interacting. Those conversations can sometimes be a little daunting. Have courage.

5) Know what type of expectations to work towards. To create mutual understanding and set the relationship up for success, discuss and work towards agreement on:

• Expected Outcomes – Exactly what are you trying to accomplish together? Be as specific and concrete as possible.
• Timelines – If you are clarifying expectations about responsibilities, behaviors, goals or projects, timing may be important. Talk about “by when” things need to be done.
• Roles and Responsibilities – Who will be accountable for what?
• Processes – How will you work together to achieve the common goal? How will you communicate? How will you make decisions?
• Resources – what human, financial, technical or other resources will you and they have access to?

6) Take ownership and responsibility for ensuring that both sides expectations are surfaced. It’s not enough to unilaterally share your expectations. You need to be prepared to ask good questions and really listen to identify and understand the expectations of others

7) Make your intentions transparent. Explain the why’s and context behind your expectations and help the other person understand the bigger picture. Usually, the better they understand, the easier it will be to reach a mutually acceptable agreement. If you don’t explain your intentions the other person will come to their own conclusions about the “why’s” of your behavior.

8) Be proactive. Do your best to manage the expectations – the perceptions – of the people you interact with, particularly those you provide some type of service to. I had elbow surgery recently to repair a torn tendon. After 6 weeks I was still in considerable pain and had limited movement of my elbow. I felt disappointed and dissatisfied so I made an appointment to visit the surgeon. He explained that what I was experiencing was normal, and that rather than evaluating my progress day-to-day I should instead look for improvements week to week. It was good advice; however it came at the wrong time. That was information he should have shared immediately after the surgery to help proactively manage my perceptions about my recovery.

9) Don’t overpromise. Whether it is a customer interaction, a discussion with a colleague or an interaction with your five-year-old son, over-promising leads to unmet expectations. As a rule, promise a little less than you believe that you will be able deliver. Exceeding what you promised is another deposit in the relationship bank account.

The story goes that when Steve Jobs was trying to entice John Sculley to leave Pepsi-Cola and join Apple he used a powerful communication tool. He asked Sculley, “Do you want to spend the rest of your life selling sugared water, or do you want to change the world?” Given that comparison, Sculley of course, moved to Apple. Steve Jobs was a Master Communicator. He was adept at going beyond the facts to inspire, engage and influence.

Do you believe the facts speak for themselves? If you subscribe to that philosophy I bet that there have been times you’ve been disappointed by others not listening to, or accepting your “facts”. Let me be clear, it’s absolutely important to base your proposals and suggestions on a strong, supportable business case. But it’s the way you tell the facts that persuades.

In this post I want to move beyond the logical, rational, facts only approach. I want to focus on one little communication technique that, as Steve Job’s showed, can have a disproportionate impact; it’s a way of turbo charging a sentence or two to dramatically increase its persuasive horsepower.  See where I’m going with this? That’s right, Metaphor. A word or a phrase that’s used to make a comparison between two things. Metaphors can create an instant understanding in your listener. The right metaphor can be a catalyst for a dazzling sense of recognition. Many years ago, when my Drill Sargent at Marine Corps Officer Candidate’s School told me that I “was as smart as a soup sandwich” I didn’t need to ask for clarification. I knew exactly what he was implying. For the sake of this post, I’m lumping metaphors, analogies and similes all into the same bucket and simply referring to them as metaphors. Forgive me if I offend your grammatical sensibilities.

I mentioned to my wife that I was writing a blog post on using metaphors. Her response was “Does anybody care about that?” I guess the answer is I don’t know. But I do know that you should care. Metaphors can be a very powerful weapon in your influence arsenal. So, what does a good metaphor do for you?

• It creates a connection between your idea / proposal and something else with which your listener is more familiar. That familiarity can lower the potential resistance in your listener.
• It helps to simplify – often in a word or a sentence – a more complex issue. And with that simplification can come an increased sense of comfort on the listener’s part.
• It can tap into and evoke emotional connections between your idea and the issue you are comparing it to.
• It can create a sensory experience within your listener. They may feel, or see or even taste (sour grapes, anyone?) the association
• It can multiply / magnify the more factual or statistical evidence that you employ to persuade.
• It can alter the paradigm with which a person perceives the situation. By altering the paradigm, the metaphor can have a direct impact on the listener’s behavior.

The right metaphor is much more likely to be a surgical scalpel rather than a club. Many times your listener won’t even be aware of its impact. But just as the scalpel cuts a fine incision, a good metaphor can leave a lasting impact. That’s not just opinion. There’s actually research to back it up.

Professor Lera Boroditsky and doctoral candidate Paul Thibodeau of Stanford University conducted a study to gauge the impact of metaphor. Their research focused on attitudes towards crime. In five experiments, subjects were asked to read short paragraphs about rising crime rates in the fictional city of Addison and answer questions about the city. In some of the descriptions, crime was framed as “a beast” in others it was described as “a virus”. That was the only difference – 1 word – between the descriptions. The researchers found that the subject’s attitudes about, and solutions for, crime were influenced by the metaphor. Subjects who read about crime as a beast were much more likely to endorse a law enforcement solution while the subjects who read about crime as a virus were more likely to support social reform. They concluded “We find that even the subtlest instantiation of a metaphor (via a single word) can have a powerful influence over how people attempt to solve social problems like crime and how they gather information to make “well-informed” decisions. Interestingly, we find that the influence of the metaphorical framing effect is covert: people do not recognize metaphors as influential in their decisions; instead they point to more “substantive” (often numerical) information as the motivation for their problem-solving decision.”  The right metaphor can be a pretty powerful way of getting your message across.

I’m not particularly skilled at the use of metaphor, but I try hard. Sort of like that kid on the t-ball team who has an earnest look of determination on his face but misses both the ball and the T three times out of five. But I don’t think I’m unusual in my lack of skill. In my experience few people use metaphors as frequently or as skillfully as they should. Part of the problem may be hardwired. I’m a pretty literal person. I tend to most naturally focus on my senses for my data. I concentrate on what I can see and hear and touch. And then I naturally describe it back that way to the people I’m communicating with, using concrete, literal descriptions. In Jungian Typology (MBTI Preferences) I naturally have a preference relying on Sensing (S) for taking in information. A friend and colleague – Mack Munro – is the opposite. His preference is Intuition (N). He sees the same things I do but more naturally makes connections between them and other things. He tends to think and speak more metaphorically.

Sometimes, when he gets rolling, the metaphors come out like the staccato of bullets from a machine gun (See I told you I wasn’t great at this). I on the other hand sometimes have to be hit over the head with it, if it’s not completely spelled out. I can remember spending a month doing a writing assignment in my office, listening to the same Jack Johnson song – “Break Down” – probably a hundred times before it dawned on me that he wasn’t really singing about a train breaking down. It was a metaphor for living life. I don’t want to be too pedantic about the MBTI / Type connection so let me just say that statistically there aren’t that many people floating around with a preference for N (about 25%). So, most of us are hardwired to look at things – and communicate our ideas – literally rather than metaphorically. Metaphors don’t come as naturally to us.

So what. I’m not Eric Clapton but I can still play a reasonable guitar. Particularly compared to someone who doesn’t play the guitar at all.  Despite being metaphorically challenged I’m able to use them when I need to. And the more I practice, the stronger the muscle becomes (That’s me practicing again). I want to offer you some ideas for developing your own metaphoric muscles.

Crafting A Useful Metaphor

Because I don’t naturally think in metaphor, I use a three-step process when I want to develop one.

1.) Consider the paradigms and perspectives of your target audience. Their:

• Likely experiences
• Achievements
• Challenges
• Interests

Example: I developed and facilitate a seminar called Influencing without Authority, I typically market “Influencing Without Authority” to mid to large corporations and organizations around the world. I was talking with a VP of Learning & Development about her organization’s needs. Among other things, she described a matrixed organization that relied on a very collaborative cross functional process for developing and launching new products.

2.) Identify the key elements / attributes of your idea or proposal. What are they? How will it work? What are its benefits? List them out.

Example: “Influencing Without Authority” is usually conducted as a two-day work session, but it is scalable. It provides participants with mental maps for influencing, navigating organizational politics and for creating strong partnerships. It employs an Influence Assessment, Influence Mapping Tools, Micro-Skill Practices, Case Studies and Experiential Activities. Participation in the seminar can help improve communication, leadership and an individual’s ability to get things done.

3.) Brainstorm connections between the needs and experiences of the listener and the attributes and benefits of your idea / proposal. Be creative. Blue sky it. Think outside of the proverbial box – but not too far. Developing a good metaphor is like writing a new song. It should sound original and familiar at the same time

Example:

Need of Learning & Development VP: A way to improve interaction within a matrixed organization

Attribute of Influencing Without Authority Seminar: Focuses on communication Skills

Possible Comparisons: Bridge, Tool, Lens,

Possible Metaphor: Influencing Without Authority can provide participants with the communication tools they need to build a bridge across the cultural and functional differences that they face within their matrixed organization to create a shared vision.

I know, I know, building a bridge isn’t the most creative or elegant metaphor. But for me it’s a step in the right direction. And, despite its simplicity, I did end up getting the business.

Metaphors can seem like small part of an idea or proposal. But they can be disproportionately powerful for the space that they take up. Mark Twain wrote “The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and lightning bug”. A metaphor just may be the “right word” you’re looking for to turbocharge your next idea.

What are your thoughts? Any favorite metaphors for getting your ideas across?

If you are a manager, or someone who has to get things done through and with others – the motivation of the people you work with probably matters to you. I work with managers every week, in seminars and in coaching relationships, and employee motivation seems to be a source of pain for many of them. They talk about having to work with team members who:

• Come late / Leave early
• Do as little as possible
• Miss deadlines
• Spend time complaining or gossiping
• Show a lack of ownership or initiative
• Show a lack of accountability
• Spend their time surfing social media

Those types of problems are what I call Type 1 Motivational Challenges: The employee actively demonstrates a lack of motivation

Those Type 1 Challenges are probably only being demonstrated by a small portion of your team, but they may take up a disproportionate amount of your management time. They may very well be a living example of the 80 / 20 rule in action.

But according to the research, there’s a whole other group of employees who probably aren’t fully motivated and committed, who may be operating beneath the surface of your managerial radar. I’m going to call those Type 2 Motivational Challenges: The employee isn’t fully motivated and therefore not working up to their potential.

Associates with a Type 2 dynamic probably show up on time and go through the motions. They are less obvious than the Type 1 problem child, but they still aren’t completely invested. They don’t demonstrate all the initiative or they won’t accept responsibility for important parts of their jobs. They may wait to be told or do only what they’ve been told to do. They apparently don’t feel ownership for some of the work they do. They aren’t performing up to their potential, and the cause is related to not being completely motivated.

If you are a manager, you may very well have team members reporting to you right now who are experiencing Type 2 Motivational Challenges. According to the latest Gallup Management Journal’s Employee Engagement Index,

• 51% of employees in the US are not fully engaged (Type 2) and
• 17% are actively disengaged (Type 1).

There’s a real cost to demotivation, whether it’s Type 1 or 2. And it runs the gamut from the in the moment emotional price that managers have to pay working with a demotivated employee, to the very real bottom line price that organizations pay in operating income, customer loyalty and productivity.

There’s a wealth of information available about the cost our work organizations incur from motivational issues.

• A study by David MacLeod and Nita Clark found that companies with low motivation and engagement earned 32% less operating income.
• The Corporate Leadership Council found that companies with more engaged workforces grew profits as much as 3 X times faster and had employees who were 87% less likely to leave.
• A study by McLean & Company found that disengaged employees cost their employers on average $3,400 for every $10, 000 of annual salary.

Motivation fuels performance. The results your team produces are driven to a large degree, by their commitment and engagement. 

People are pretty complex. There could be many reasons why an individual lacks motivation. But as we step back and increase our view, patterns emerge.

The single most important factor affecting an employee’s motivational climate are the practices and behaviors of the direct manager.

The Gallup organization estimates that 70% of an employee’s motivational climate depends on their direct manager. Again and again, study after study point out the importance of the relationship between the direct manager and employee as being THE key factor driving an employee’s motivational climate.

An individual’s current motivation could be dependent on a number of factors. What’s happening at home, their health, past work experiences with other managers, can all have an impact. If you are working with an associate who seems to lack motivation, it could be a problem that you inherited, or it could be something happening outside of work. But in a lot of cases you, as the manager, can have a profound impact on it.

Let me describe how that might work.

1. Most managers have good intentions. They want to do the right thing.

2. Managers do what they do, based on their intentions. They act in ways that they think will help meet those intentions

3. The team member sees what the manager does. They can’t read their mind and see their intentions. Instead, they see the manager’s behaviors filtered through their own perceptual lenses. And then they climb the ladder of inference and make assumptions about why the manager is doing what they are doing.

4. The assumptions they make about a manager’s intentions and motives, affect how the team member feels about their job. They affect how they feel about the manager as well. Team members probably go home at night and talk about what the manager did and why he / she did it. We’ve all done that. We sit down with a friend or our significant other and talk about our experience with our manager. “ You won’t believe what Frank did today …” And then I tell you the crazy thing that my manager did to me today and we commiserate and agree that Frank is a big jerk.

5. The assumptions that we make, and the conclusions that we draw, about our manager’s intentions affect our:

• Confidence
• Level of enthusiasm for work in general or for a particular goal
• Sense of self worth
• Happiness beyond work. The interactions we have with our boss at work don’t stop resonating just because we’ve left the building. They spill over and affect our sense of well-being and peace of mind in our personal life as well.

6. Those issues directly affect our overall performance.

So, the way we managers are perceived by our team can have a direct impact on the motivational climate of that team, and ultimately, on how each person in the team performs. That directly affects the bottom line. Business performance, of course, depends on more than just motivation, but don’t sell it short. The Managers Guide To Rewards estimates that up to 30% of business results can be explained by the differences in work climates created by a Manager.

The relationship that you, as a manager, develop with a direct report is really important. It’s the starting point for how the associate perceives their job. If it’s a positive relationship with trust, mutual respect and open communication, then the employee is more likely to perceive your behaviors in a positive light. It will be easier for them to see your positive intentions. That will lead to higher engagement. If it’s negative, if the relationship bank account is overdrawn, then even legitimately well-intentioned behaviors on your part, may be seen negatively by the employee.

The relationship that you develop with each individual employee is not just an incidental part of your job. It’s the springboard for creating a motivational work climate and driving performance. It doesn’t guarantee motivation. But without it, good luck! Make it a priority.

I’m trying to change the language that I use. It’s been an uphill process. All right, maybe you need a little of the backstory. A few months ago a colleague and I had a difference of opinion (notice I didn’t say disagreement?) about a business project. Somehow during that conversation she shared with me that I sounded disgruntled. It was like a slap in the face and my immediate reaction (internally) was denial. I’m not feeling disgruntled. Why would she say that? This is more about her than about me. When the sting started to fade I was able to consider the comment a little more constructively. What did I do that might cause her to see me that way? I came to a realization that the language (words) I often use and the focus of my casual conversation (problems, challenges and personal disasters) might be contributing.

The words we use not only communicate intelligibly about a topic, they also communicate powerful messages about us personally as well. Sometimes the message they communicate is not the one that we intend. Positive language communicates a message of enthusiasm, confidence and credibility. Negative language can communicate a much different story – disengagement, frustration powerlessness. How would you prefer to be seen? You probably spend a great deal of your time and energy trying to influence others. According to a Qualtrics study of over 7000 participants, employees in the U.S. are spending about 40% of their time engaged in some form of influencing others. How you are seen – your personal brand – really matters. The words you choose can have a real impact.

The language we use can affect our personal brand in several ways

Likability

People like to do things for, and with, people they like. Long-term influence is driven – in part – by our likability. There are a number of traits that can contribute and positivity is high up on the list. We like people who have a positive outlook. If you’ve ever spent time with a colleague with the personality of Eeyore – the pessimistic, gloomy, depressed donkey from Winnie-The Pooh – you’ve experienced the contrast first hand. Their language, and the focus of their conversation bring us down. After a while we start to avoid them. They walk into the room and we let out a big sigh. It’s as if a dark cloud just rolled in and our dog just peed on our leg.

On the other hand people who use positive language make us feel good. The words they use and what they talk about elevate our mood. We feel better for having spent time with them. We like them.

Our ability to create a positive or negative emotional state in another person begins with the focus of our conversation. Do we use a negative or a positive frame in our communication?

Framing

Almost every situation that we experience can be seen from multiple perspectives – positive, negative or neutral. The way we naturally see a situation is probably a function of our personality, our mental models and our in-the-moment internal state. Framing is the process of consciously choosing one particular meaning – or set of meanings – over another. It begins internally and becomes apparent to others through the words we choose.

Yes, you absolutely have to be authentic. But that doesn’t mean that you have to accept every thought that comes in to your head. You get to choose how you experience a particular situation. You can choose to put it in a positive functional frame or you can choose to look at it negatively. Put that way most of us are going to say, “Well, I’ll choose to look at it positively”. The problem is that many of us – myself included – often allow the frame and meaning to develop on its own rather than making a conscious choice.

I worked on a large project a couple of years ago with a number of other people. After the completion of the three-day launch event we were debriefing and I saw first hand both positive and negative framing. One colleague, a very intelligent and perceptive individual gave his impressions:

“The materials had a number of errors. The Coaches weren’t focusing on the right issues. We can’t continue to use that instrument. It’s too complex, participants aren’t able to understand it well enough to use it in their interactions.” He went on painting a picture of doom and gloom by focusing on what he saw as being wrong with the kick-off.

Another stakeholder painted a different picture with her frame.

“I thought that we made real improvements in this kick-off versus last years. All of the participants seemed really engaged throughout all three days. The timing of the activities seemed to work really well. I noticed participants really using the tools in their breakout sessions. I also think the Coaches seem to understand the conceptual model and the process that they are going to be involved in. I do think that it’s going to take some time for them to grow into their roles. But we do have a process in place to work with them over the next year.”

A negative frame focuses on what’s wrong or what can’t be done. It may have a connotation of blame. A positive frame focuses on opportunities and possibilities. It describes what can or might be done. It has a tone of optimism or helpfulness.

How do you frame? Do you tend to focus on what’s wrong and point out problems? Or are you able to notice and communicate what’s right about a situation? I’m not suggesting that you ignore a problem. However, the way you describe it – the frame you put around it – will affect how others perceive it. It will also affect how they perceive you.

The Power Of A Single Word

A metaphor is a type of frame. We use metaphors and analogies to make comparisons and communicate a perspective about an issue. The way we frame the metaphor can have an impact on another’s perceptions and attitudes. Psychology Professor Lera Boroditsky and doctoral candidate Paul Thibodeau of Stanford University conducted a study to gauge the impact of metaphor. Their research focused on attitudes towards crime. In five experiments, subjects were asked to read short paragraphs about rising crime rates in the fictional city of Addison and answer questions about the city. In some of the descriptions, crime was framed as “a beast” in others it was described as “a virus”. That was the only difference – 1 word – between the descriptions. The researchers found that the subject’s attitudes about, and solutions for, crime were influenced by the metaphor frame. Subjects who read about crime as a beast were much more likely to endorse a law enforcement solution while the subjects who read about crime as a virus were more likely to support social reform. Somehow I have to think that our national politicians are acutely aware of the power of framing.

There is also evidence that words can have an impact on the physiology of the brain as well. Just as the written frame influenced the attitude of the research subject, our internal frame influences our own attitudes and behaviors. The way we see a situation – our mental map – will affect how we talk about it. We can just let nature take its course and allow whatever mental map is in place to dictate the frame that we communicate, or we can consciously choose the lens through which we will view an issue or situation.

Positive Language

So the words we use to describe something, whether they be self talk in our own mind or spoken aloud to a room full of people affect how we view a situation. Positive language is the language of optimism and confidence. When we use it, it can create attitudes and behaviors that lead to a positive self-fulfilling prophecy. Negative language focuses on blame and reactivity. It can paint an unflattering picture of who we are or what we are about. So what types of language can frame negative or positive?

                                                         Negative                          Positive

                                                            No                                        Yes

                                                            Sure                                     Absolutely

                                                            I Can’t                                 I Will

                                                            I Have To                           I Choose To

                                                            I Must                                 I Want

                                                            All right                              Yes

                                                            Yes But                               Yes And

                                                            That’s just the way it is    Let’s explore our options

It’s easy to develop a pattern of negative language. Robert Schrauf at Penn State found that we have far more words in our vocabulary that express negative feelings rather than positive emotions. His research found a consistent 50% Negative 30% Positive 20% Neutral ratio across cultures.

The Negative Impact On You

Not only can the words we use create negative perceptions in others, they can also create or reinforce negative attitudes and paradigms within our own internal state. In addition to revealing negative self-beliefs, our language can act as a type of self-programing mechanism. Our subconscious hears and responds to our language. There’s a walnut shaped structure in the middle of our brain called the Thalamus. It relays sensory information about the outer world to other parts of the brain. According to Andrew Newberg and Mark Waldman the Thalamus doesn’t differentiate between real and imagined. It processes our words and thoughts similarly to how it treats what we see, and hear and experience with our senses. It doesn’t distinguish between outer reality and how you’ve internally framed the issue.

“Our language-based thoughts shape our consciousness, and consciousness shapes the reality we perceive. So choose your words wisely because they become as real as the ground on which you stand. Andrew Newberg & Mark Robert Waldman “Words Can Change Your Brain”

Actions You Can Take

1. Monitor Your Self-Talk. We All talk to ourselves. Pretty much all the time. We have a rich internal dialogue in which our everyday consciousness is engaged in a running commentary of what we experience and imagine. Listen to what you are saying to yourself. Is it positive or negative? It all starts on the inside. If you hear your self-talk saying “this sucks, it’s unfair, I can’t”, or some other negative comment, you can do something about it. Make some positive changes. Replay that self talk in a more optimistic, more positive language.
2. Create A Psychological Space. Events can sometimes come out of the blue and lead to a knee-jerk negative response. I was walking across 8th Avenue in NYC over the summer and had a guy in a drop top Mercedes come within 3 inches of hitting me. I wasn’t expecting it and my internal framing and loud external language was positivity challenged (to say the least). When you encounter a negative situation, try to create space between the event and your response. Pause, count to six, ask questions, whatever works for you. That space will give you an opportunity to formulate a more positive response.
3. Consciously Choose A Positive Response. Make a decision – in the moment – to use language that looks at the issue in a positive – or at least neutral frame. Rather than focusing on what can’t be done offer alternatives. Instead of pointing fingers and blaming, accept ownership for improving things. Rather than limit your influence, consciously communicate optimism and confidence by using affirming language.
4. Say Good Things About Yourself. If our subconscious is listening and paying attention to our self talk, beating ourselves up in our internal dialogue can do significant damage. Maybe it’s time to start giving yourself some kudos and positive feedback. Celebrate your accomplishments. Focus on what you’ve done well don’t dwell on the stuff that hasn’t worked out.Let other people know about your achievements.
5. Pump Up The Positive When possible – and appropriate – pump up the positivity. Instead of saying the meeting was good, how about really good or even excellent. Remember our internal frame and language can affect our internal programing. Make a conscious choice to boost your emotional affect.
6. Become A Positive Contagion. Your attitude and energy can be contagious. When people like or feel comfortable with you they will often mirror you subconsciously. Work to be the person who raises the energy and the mood in the room.

For me, maintaining a positive frame and using positive language is an ongoing process. I don’t do it naturally. I have to work at it. But I am finding that the more I do it, the easier it becomes. I was at a restaurant with my wife and daughter the other night when the light immediately above our table went out. They both started complaining about it. My positive response was “Maybe we can ask them for candles. It could be nice here with candlelight.” My daughter looked at me in disbelief and asked, “Who are you?”

Baby steps, I keep reminding myself. Baby steps.

Last week I put together a proposal for a perspective client and had a colleague look at it before sending it out. After reading it, she pointed out some of the ways that I could improve the proposal, and did it in a way that left me feeling good about the whole exchange. I immediately made the changes that she recommended. It got me thinking about the skillful way that she made her suggestions and the art of giving effective feedback.

It’s such an integral part of building and maintaining strong relationships. We all need to be able to do it, but so often  we have trouble with it. We stress about it, put it off and when it finally reaches a tipping point it often comes out in a way that ends up being seen as a personal attack or as unfair, or as just plain WRONG. It pushes the emotional buttons of the other person to the point where they become defensive and stop listening to the feedback. Feedback like that does no one any good. The good news is that there are a few simple rules to follow to make the feedback you give easier for others to hear and accept.

    1) Pick The Right Time And Place

When you give corrective feedback to someone you are hoping that they are going to hear it, accept it and make the changes that you are suggesting. A very easy way to make that not happen is to choose the wrong time or place to give the feedback. Will they be more receptive to your feedback when they are still angry and emotional because of the mistake they’ve made, or after they’ve had a chance to calm down? Will it be easier for them to hear what you have to say at 5 PM on Friday or at 1030 am? Everyone’s different, but in general:

• Provide corrective feedback in private
• Pick a time when the other person is able to hear what you have to say.

    2) Give It For The Right Reason

Why are you giving the feedback? To help the other person, or to put them down? Ideally, it’s to help the other person learn, develop or grow. There are times, however, when we have to provide feedback that is more about influencing another person’s behavior than helping them to grow. We NEED them to do something differently for our reasons or because our role requires it. Even in those situations, it’s important to keep in mind that people do things for their reasons, not ours. Do your best to empathize and see things from their perspective. Then provide your feedback as gently and positively as possible

    3) Ask Before You Tell

Before you provide any feedback, make sure that you really know what the other person is experiencing. I was leading a seminar last year and the participants had developed ground rules for how the seminar should run. One of the ground rules was that participants wouldn’t use smartphones while the seminar was in session. As I was working with the group on the second day I couldn’t help but notice a guy sitting with his hands beneath his table texting furiously. My immediate reaction was to walk over to him and remind him of the ground rule. But instead of doing that – in front of the rest of the group – I bit my tongue and waited for a break. At the break, I went up to him and asked a question: “Is everything ok?” It turned out that everything was not ok. He was in from out-of-town and had gotten a text from his wife that morning that his mother had been taken to the hospital. If I had jumped the gun and started offering feedback before I knew the whole story I would have felt about 3 inches tall.

We see things from our own perspectives. It’s important to recognize that others have their own experiences and motivations and are seeing things through their own set of lenses. Without knowing how they see things, your feedback may miss its target. Before you point out what someone needs to do differently ask for information, in as nonjudgmental a way possible.

    4) Make Your Feedback Specific And Descriptive

A lot of feedback is offered in an accusatory, judgmental way. And it doesn’t get the results that the sender would like. Here’s an example of nonspecific and non-descriptive feedback:

“Janet you don’t seem committed to our project team.”

Is that specific and descriptive? Absolutely not! Commitment is an internal state. It’s about feelings and emotions. People don’t respond well to having their minds read, and most of us aren’t particularly good at it.

Try to focus your feedback on what the person did – their behaviors. Instead of “Janet you don’t seem committed to our project team.” , describe what Janet has done that has led you to that conclusion. You might say “ Janet I noticed that you left the room in the middle of the meeting this morning”; or “Janet I noticed that you were on your laptop, working on an expense report during the team meeting this morning”, or “Janet I noticed that you fell asleep during the project team meeting this morning.” All of those are more specific and descriptive. Did you see why? Because they focus on the person’s behavior, not their internal state, or feelings of motivations.

    5) Provide Examples Of The Behaviors

Sometimes (actually pretty often) when we are given feedback, even when it’s specific and behavioral, it’s hard to accept. So as a natural defense mechanism we deny – “I don’t do that”, “Who me?”. When you give feedback, help the person you are giving it to avoid denial. Provide them with specific examples of when they’ve engaged in the behavior: “Janet when you come late to our team meetings, like you did on Monday (example) and Friday (example).

    6) Use I-Messages To Own Your Perspective And Describe The Impact On You

For those of you who aren’t familiar with them, “I-messages are not about using your I-phone to text. A behavioral “I-message” is a less judgmental, less provocative way of getting part of your message across. It can be used to express an opinion or a feeling. It’ll be easier to understand if I contrast it with a you message.

You Message: “You made me angry when you came late to our project team meeting”.

Think about the potential impact of a You Message:

• It may feel like an attack
• It may feel as if you are blaming them for something
• It may hurt the other person’s feelings.

All of those potential impacts can lead to resistance. I-messages are less likely to have those negative impacts. Here’s an I-message for the same situation:

I-Message: “I got angry when you came late to our project team meeting”.

In some ways, the I-message is very similar to the first You Message. In another way it’s radically different. Did you notice how it’s different? It’s about ownership of the feelings. In the You Message I was pushing the ownership onto the other person. They caused me to be angry. With the I-message I accept ownership of my own feelings. That makes them easier for the other person to hear and accept. The real meaning of communication is in the impact that it has. I-messages have a less provocative, easier to accept impact.

    7) Link Their Behavior To Its Consequence

Once you’ve described the behavior that they’ve engaged in, provided examples and used I-Messages, the next step is to let them know why they should change by describing the natural negative consequences. In the project team meeting example from above, the natural consequences of Janet not attending team meetings might be

“We don’t get the benefit of your expertise when we are making decisions and we may make the wrong choice without your input. We could miss the target deadline.”

Not having the benefit of her expertise and making the wrong decisions are the natural consequences of Janet not being at the meeting. I’m trying to show her why she should change her behavior. Now, if Janet doesn’t care about the project — or about me for that matter — the consequences that I’ve described won’t have much of an impact. At least not the impact that I want. So I want to do my best to link a consequence that has a WIIFM – What’s In It For Me. In this case, what’s in it for Janet. If you can’t come up with one that is personally relevant use an organizational WIIFM. Missing the deadline matters to the organization. It’s an organizational WIIFM.

In The Real World

It may be difficult when you need to give corrective feedback to someone who matters to you in the real world to think back to this post and remember these guidelines. Luckily, there’s a simple little word chain that you can learn that will help you channel your feedback in the right direction. I call it Instant Feedback but its origins go all the way back to Thomas Gordon and his Leadership Effectiveness Training. Remember five words: When you, I feel, Because.

1. When you (Describe the behavior and provide examples)
2. I feel (Use an I message to own your perspective)
3. Because (Link the behavior to its impact)

So for our example, with the project team, it might look something like:

1. When you come late to our project team meetings, like you did on Thursday
2. I feel frustrated
3. Because we aren’t able to make well formed decisions without your input and I’m concerned that we won’t be able to meet our target deadlines.

It’s as simple as that. Remember those five words to give feedback that is easier for the other person to hear and accept. Try it with someone today! Download and use this FEEDBACK PLANNER to help organize your thoughts.

I was leading a New Manager’s workshop for one of my clients and Matt brought up an issue: “I don’t understand why some of my team just seem to be going through the motions. They don’t take initiative, they don’t seem invested in what they’re doing, they don’t seem to want to be here. How do I motivate them?” That opened up the floodgates, with the majority of new managers in the room talking about the sad state of affairs of the motivation of the people that they managed. So I asked a question: “Can A Manager Motivate A Direct Report?” As they talked it through, it soon became apparent that it’s not a simple question. Motivation comes from within the individual. It’s an intrinsic force that energizes, directs and sustains our efforts. There’s no button you can push, as a manager, to turbocharge the motivation of your staff. Bummer!

Almost everyone in the room answered a resounding YES!

Which makes an important point. While there may not be a button to push, managers have a considerable impact on the motivational climate of the people on their team. As a matter of fact the research suggests that the practices and actions of your operational manager may be THE most important factor influencing your motivational climate.

Unfortunately, I don’t think that we managers are doing a particularly good job of it. Gallup – the same people who tell you about our elections – has been surveying organizational engagement for years. According to their latest results, 51% of workers in the U.S. are not fully engaged: 17.5 % are actively disengaged. Curt Coffman calls those actively disengaged individuals C.A.V.E. dwellers – Constantly Against Virtually Everything. The youngest workers – the Millennial’s – are the least engaged of the entire workforce with only 28.9% fully committed to and enthusiastic about the jobs.

So why is the state of motivation in our work organizations so bad? I see three key motivation derailers again and again:

Motivation Derailer #1) Managers Often Have The Wrong Mindset 

The way you – as a manager – see the people you supervise has a major impact on how you work with them. How you work with them – your behaviors – drives the results that you get from them, including their level of motivation.

I was facilitating a leadership workshop in NJ (at a company that will remain nameless) and I asked the question “How many of you agree with the statement that people basically want to do a good job”? No one in that group of thirty-five experienced managers raised their hand. I was shocked! When I asked for clarification, one person volunteered an explanation “ Joe we work with a bunch of bottom feeders here. They don’t want to be here and we have to watch them like a hawk to make sure that they do what they are supposed to do”. Yikes!

If you see the people who you supervise as being demotivated and untrustworthy, might that affect how you work with them? Absolutely! Frequently people will live down – or up – to the expectations that you have of them.

Motivation Derailer #2) Managers Are Often  So Concerned With Fixing What’s Wrong That They Miss What’s Right

You probably don’t have enough time to get everything done that you would like to as a manager. So you have to set priorities. Most managers use a form of management by exception. They focus their time and attention on the things that need fixing, the things that maybe aren’t going all that well. The things that are going well are allowed to continue on their own inertia. The problem is that people’s behaviors don’t operate according to the laws of Physics. Just because an individual is motivated and engaged at the moment doesn’t mean that they will continue to sustain that same high level of commitment. Good performance needs to be recognized or else it may regress to mediocre or poor performance. High performing team members need the right type of interaction with their managers.

Because of the preoccupation with fixing what’s wrong – rather than building on strengths – managers often overdo the corrective feedback that they provide to their associates. Most of the time they don’t even recognize it. When I ask managers what they provide more of – Corrective or Reinforcing feedback – most say Reinforcing. Unfortunately, it doesn’t feel that way to most employees. In a study by Carolyn Wiley published in the International Journal of Manpower the author surveyed 40 years of research and concluded that more than 80% of supervisors claim they express appreciation for what is done well. Unfortunately their direct reports didn’t see it that way. Less than 20% of them saw their managers as more than occasionally mentioning what they did well. Most people are doing a lot of good things at work. But they don’t feel that their manager recognizes their good performance. So, over time, they become less emotionally engaged and they put less of themselves into the job.

I’m my own worst enemy when it comes to this issue. I want people to succeed. I want them to get it right. So when I look at a situation, I tend to notice what’s wrong. (I’m even worse in my family relationships.) And then to be helpful (at least in my mind), I offer feedback about what they need to do differently. I do have a positive intent, but the impact of my feedback can be negative. I continually have to work at not automatically pointing out what’s wrong and instead force myself to notice and tell them what they are doing well.

Motivation Derailer #3) Managers Often Focus On The Wrong Levers To Build A Motivational Climate

It is obvious that $$, money, cash, is what motivates most employees. Right?

Not so fast!

According to much of the research, extrinsic motivators like money may not be as helpful in creating a motivational environment as you might think. Those extrinsic motivators may in fact have unintended consequences.

Disclaimer: I’m not saying that you or I don’t want more money. I know I do! I am suggesting that there are factors beyond money that may play an even bigger role in the effort that we put into our jobs. And yet mangers persist in focusing on the extrinsic factors.

Ken Kovach of George Mason University published a study that compared employees’ rankings of what they wanted in their jobs to what their manager’s thought was important to them. At the top of the employees’ rankings were the items: interesting work, followed by appreciation of work, a feeling of being “in on things”.The managers on the other hand prioritized: good wages, job security, promotion/growth, as their top three.

There are some interesting implications of the study.

• The employees focused primarily on issues that related to intrinsic factors, like the nature of the work and feeling appreciated.

• The things that employees rated as being most motivating weren’t front and center on the managers’ radar screen. The managers were instead looking at extrinsic factors, like pay and working conditions.

• The things that were highest on the employees’ list are relatively easy to influence if you are a manager. And they may not cost all that much. Yet managers continually overlook them in favor of more concrete, tangible – and costly – factors.

So which levers should a manager focus on to build the most motivating climate? First, you have to take the issue of pay off the table. Pay your people a fair and equitable wage. Beyond that consider these ideas:

1) Make the Job Itself Motivating

Give your people challenging – but doable goals and tasks. Try to provide them with an opportunity to develop and use a variety of skills in the accomplishment of those goals and tasks. Make sure that they understand how their effort contributes to the organization as well as how it affects others.

2) Work to Build Their Confidence

Confidence is important to a person’s task specific motivation. If a person lacks confidence all the incentives in the world may not be enough. Work with your people to help them identify their strengths and, to the best of your ability, try to give them assignments that take advantage of those strengths.

3) Recognize Their Good Performance

Spend more of your time stoking the fire of commitment and less time pointing out problems. As Ken Blanchard wrote many years ago “Catch them doing something right”. Make a habit of paying attention to what’s working, to what people are doing well, and tell them about it. Thank them for their effort and accomplishments. At the end of each week your people should know without a doubt that you recognize their good performance.

4) Help Them To Develop

Collaborate with them to identify their personal and career aspirations. Invest your time in their development. Give them the opportunity to work on assignments that will build new skills. Provide them with support and guidance.

5) Choose To See Your People Through A Positive Lens

You can choose to see another person through a positive or negative lens. Your Mindset is a choice under your control. You can choose to think the worst of a person by imagining their actions and performance are a product of negative intentions. They don’t care, They aren’t willing to put the effort in. They just don’t have what it takes. Or, you can choose to view the person through a different lens. Their intentions are good. They want to do a good job. They have the potential to excel.  Why not see people in the more positive light? Expecting the best of an individual can create a positive self-fulfilling prophecy that pays exponential dividends.

Questions: Have you ever seen any of the derailers I mentioned? What practices have you seen used to create a motivational climate?

Pretty much everything you do with other people requires influence. Nobody HAS to do what you want them to do. Even if you are the CEO of the whole organization, your ability to persuade others to embrace and follow your vision will make the difference between success and failure. Positional power only gets you so far – right up to about compliance. Reaching commitment and ownership requires influence, even at the top. And most of us aren’t the CEO. Which means that we have even less power and authority to get people to do what we need them to do.

Influence isn’t some Jedi mind control trick. It’s about getting your idea or proposal a fair hearing; it’s about being a trusted advisor; it’s about having credibility. Influence is the ability to positively  affect the beliefs, attitudes or behavior of the person with whom you’re working. Some people are able to influence naturally. They seem to have an innate ability to build relationships and gain commitment. Others of us have to work at it. But it is a skill – like playing pool, skiing, or even dancing. You can learn how to improve your influence.

But beyond the actual skill set of influencing, there is a self-generated roadblock that prevents many of us from acquiring the influence that we’d like: Our Mindset about influencing.

Influence Mindset

What you get on the outside – your behaviors – is a function of what you start with on the inside – your mindset. Your beliefs and attitudes about influencing will have a dramatic impact on how – and maybe if – you engage wholeheartedly in the process of influence. What’s your take on influencing? Which of these statements best reflects how you look at the process?

• Influencing is about hidden agendas and manipulation; it’s disingenuous and false
• Influencing is about kissing up
• Influencing is irrelevant; Merit is what matters
• Influencing is important, but it’s not really my job; It’s not how I want to spend my time
• Influencing is how most things get done; I work at it

If you see influencing as an inherently negative process built on flattery or deception how much of your time and energy are you likely to devote to it? Not much, right? It’s going to be difficult (understatement) to improve your organizational influence if you don’t work at it.

If, on the other hand, you believe that influencing is an important part of your job, then you are more likely to make it a priority and work at. By working at it, you stand a much better chance of improving your influencing skills.

So let’s take a closer look at some of the implicit beliefs that may lead to Dysfunctional Mindsets that can actually get in the way of your influence success.

Influencing Is About Hidden Agendas And Manipulation

Manipulation involves trying to get another person to do something they don’t want to do through underhanded or deceptive methods. Let’s take those tactics off of the table right from the start. They are simply unacceptable in today’s work organizations. While some people do engage in them, they lead to a dead-end. Long-term influence is built on a trusting relationship. Hidden agendas and deception will use up that trust faster than Donald Trump will find someone to blame. Manipulation is a high stakes gamble that almost never pays off in the long run. And then there is the ethical side of hidden agendas and manipulation. Most normal, emotionally healthy people have a moral compass that will let them know what is, and isn’t ethical. The key is to listen to that compass.

Influencing Is About Kissing Up

There’s no denying that most of us like to hear how great we are. It’s recognition of our efforts. It makes us feel good about ourselves. Making a point of recognizing another person’s contributions and ideas is actually a good thing. According to the research it doesn’t happen enough in most work organizations. It’s not kissing up if it’s true. Recognizing good ideas and accomplishments is something that you should be doing regularly with everybody that you work with. It lets them know that you noticed them. It can help them to see you as a positive person. It makes them feel more comfortable with you.

If you take it too far it can become kissing up or brown-nosing. Neither are likely to pay off in the long run. Both lack authenticity. When your recognition of their good ideas and actions crosses the line into fawning territory, you’ve gone too far. If you are only pointing out the Boss’s good ideas (and not your coworkers or direct reports), you’ve gone too far. If you are gushing giddily about irrelevant issues, you’ve gone too far.

When you take a positive too far it can become a negative, and that’s what can happen with providing recognition. It can make your feedback feel disingenuous to the person on the receiving end. Being seen as genuine and authentic (as well as actually being genuine and authentic) is a prerequisite for a positive relationship. It’s a fine line but you need to stay on the right side of it.

Influencing Is Irrelevant; Merit Is What Matters

We like to think that we operate in logical, rational organizational systems that are put together in a way that good ideas – and good performance – will automatically be recognized and rise to the top. Turns out, that’s not really the case is it? It’s not true for society (take a look at The Meritocracy Myth by McNamee and Miller) and it’s not true for our work organizations either.

We work in human systems. People aren’t machines. We have selective perception, individual needs and motives and emotions. All of those factors, and more, influence how we work with one another and how make decisions. Good ideas are great. But how many good ideas go unfulfilled because the right people haven’t heard or understood them? If you wait for your great idea or proposal to take off and fly on its own you may end up feeling disappointed. The way the idea is framed and presented matters. The quality of your relationships matter. Getting the idea to the right person matters.

Influencing Is Important, But It’s Not Really My Job; It’s Not How I Want To Spend My Time

You may have been trained as an engineer or as an accountant. Your job may involve teaching others or building cars. But you are probably already spending a significant amount of your time engaged in influencing others.

Dan Pink (To Sell Is Human 2012) commissioned a study by Qualtrics to gauge how we spend our time at work. The study involved over 9000 participants in the US. One of the findings of the study is that today, people are spending about 40% of their workday in non-sales selling – persuading, convincing and influencing others. Whether it’s your boss or a coworker, a client or a direct report, you are likely spending on average about 24 minutes of every hour you are at work engaged in the influence process. If you don’t recognize it as an important part of your job, if you don’t consciously put time and effort into doing it well, you are doing yourself and your organization a disservice.

Your Influence Mindset
Your Mindset – the way you see an issue – will have a major impact on how you act on that issue. And of course how you act will lead to the results that you attain. You have a cruise control in your car. You set that cruise control and it limits you speed to a narrow range. Your mindset is like that cruise control on steroids. It filters the information you take in and it directs your behavior.

The good news is that you have a choice about your Influence Mindset. You can allow your implicit, subconscious beliefs about influencing to limit the energy and focus that you give to that process. Or you can take a more proactive approach and choose to use a more functional Mindset that will enable you to begin to expand your sphere of influence. So what do you think? What’s your Mindset about influencing?

Susan had worked hard to become Principal at Walden Elementary School. She had paid her dues as a teacher for 10 years while she completed a Doctorate in Education. She took over as Principal three years earlier and she hit the ground running. She had friends on the staff and she cared passionately about the children. She wanted what was best for each one of them. Now here she was today, in front of all of her students, their parents and their teachers having to say goodbye. She had lost her job. Her last words to them in the goodbye assembly were “My intentions were always to do what was best for the children”.

There were probably a number of contributing factors that led to this moment. It’s very seldom just a single issue. But one of the factors contributing to Susan’s abrupt end may go back to a gap between her intentions and how her team saw those intentions.

Good Intentions?

I think that Leaders usually have positive intentions. They do what they do because they think that they are doing the right thing. And it’s not just leaders is it? Very few of us do the wrong things intentionally. Nobody goes home in the evening and brags to their significant other about how they “really made everyone’s life a living hell that day”. Do they? And yet it sometimes seems that way to the people with whom we work.

One of the problems is that other people can’t see our positive intentions. What they see – of course – are our behaviors. And then they climb what Chris Argyris called the Ladder of Inference. They see our behaviors, make assumptions and draw conclusions about why we are doing what we are doing. And then they act on those conclusions. If we are lucky, they recognize our good intentions. More often, they decipher our behavior through their own filters and arrive at an interpretation that may not be reflective of what we intended. When I offer a suggestion to one of my kids I’m trying (most of the time) to help them do something better and to be more successful. They don’t always see it that way. If I’m not careful, they can interpret it as criticism or even as an attack. And then they respond based on their interpretation. Either they get defensive, or maybe they push back and counter attack.

Susan’s good intentions didn’t always come through to her staff. She wanted what was best for each individual child. She advocated for them. She pushed her teachers to put the needs of the child first. All admirable motives. Her team saw her behaviors through a different lens. She was seen as unrealistic, as too demanding, as being non-supportive and autocratic.

It’s important to recognize that the gap between intention and perception is a two-way street. It not only affected how the teachers saw her, but also how Susan interpreted their actions. Increasingly, she saw the behaviors of her staff as being resistant to her direction (probably not wrong there). When they brought up concerns, she interpreted their questions and ideas as reflecting a lack of motivation and commitment to the children. Or, as being an attack on her leadership. And she of course responded by pushing and advocating even harder. Until the whole thing spiraled out of control and she lost the good will of the team, and ultimately her job.

It didn’t have to be that way. Having good intentions is a great start. But it’s not enough. You have to constantly work to ensure that the people you interact with – at work or at home – perceive those good intentions.

It Starts With You: Be Aware Of Your Own Motives And Intentions

Human beings are pretty complex. We have different levels. Some of the levels are sitting up close to the surface and are easy to recognize while others are pushed further down into our subconscious. We may not be completely aware of them. We may have an intention that is clear as day to us, around which we focus much of our attention and energy. It’s also likely that we have other intentions, secondary aspirations and needs that are also influencing our behaviors and that are less clear to us.

Susan’s primary intention focused on doing what was best for the children in her school. But it appears that there were a variety of other intentions and motives influencing her behavior. She wanted respect. She worked hard to gain the credentials that she thought would provide that respect. She wanted her school to be the best in the district, to outperform the other elementary schools on the metrics that were used to gauge their performance. She wanted to be right. I don’t know for sure, but I suspect that her awareness of her own motivations and intentions was, at best, incomplete. Without that self-awareness, Susan’s behaviors were probably influenced in a variety of unconscious ways by those secondary intentions. She acted in ways that probably sent mixed messages to her stakeholders. Creating alignment between our intentions and how others perceive them begins with self-awareness.

Increase The Accuracy of Their Perceptions

As much as possible, you have to make those good intentions transparent. Transparency doesn’t mean over exposure or too much information. Transparency is about being appropriately open and honest about why you are doing what you are doing. It is about taking the time and making the effort to explain why you took an action – even a simple one – so that people’s perceptions of your behavior are more in line with your intentions. For example, if you are a working with your office door closed today, don’t assume that the team understands it is because you’ve been slammed with a last-minute request from your boss. They may very well have come to their own conclusions about why you are behind closed doors today: He’s working on layoff’s, She’s antisocial, She thinks she’s better than everyone else, He’s looking for a new job. In the absence of the truth, people will fill in the blanks and come to their own conclusions. Susan’s staff often described her as being, “hard to read”. For ongoing, mutually interdependent relationships, that can’t be a good thing.

Take Responsibility For Both Sides

The quality of your communication matters. There is always the potential for ambiguity and misunderstanding. Recognize the challenge and go out of your way to make your communication clear and specific. It’s better to over-communicate than to mis-communicate.

Take responsibility for checking to ensure that the person you are talking to really did understand what you meant. To do that, ask clarifying questions (remember to make the intentions behind those questions clear) and really listens to the answers you receive. If their understanding is off target, circle back and reframe your explanation. Don’t rationalize that “it’s their responsibility to ask questions if they are unclear”. It’s in your interests to make sure that they are clear. Remember their perceptions become their reality. Their response and behavior will be in alignment with that reality. Their behavior matters to you. It’s up to you to make sure that their reality is accurate.

Recognize That No One Has To Do What You Want Just Because You Want It

Most of us are mutually dependent with our colleagues, direct reports and the people senior to us in our organizations. All of those people represent potential stakeholders. Clarifying your intentions and ensuring that they perceive you accurately are fantastic starters. But they may not be enough.

Recognize that their commitment matters. They are volunteers in your life. Even if you are their Boss, they don’t have to do anything they don’t want to do. They have a choice. They can just go though the motions or they can give you their discretionary effort. The way you work with your stakeholders will either affirm your intentions and lead to their support and commitment or create a misalignment which can lead to lowered trust and resistance. The old adage “actions speak louder than words” is true more often than not. Susan’s intentions never really rang true to her staff, at Walden Elementary School, in part because of her behaviors. She was much more inclined to tell rather than to ask. She was quick to point out areas that needed improvement and there were always areas that needed improvement. She wanted it her way and any challenge to her way was met with a hammer.

There are a great many things to say about gaining commitment. I’ll be posting a variety of tools and ideas about influencing and commitment in the future. For now let me offer some very simple, very basic advice. Recognize that everybody you interact with has a choice. They can believe you – or not; they can do what you ask – or just give you lip service; they can level with you – or present a façade. Think before you act. Ask before you tell. Give people a reason to decide in your favor. Try to see the people you work with as partners, not obstacles. Value them! Operate from the perspective that “true influence means doing something with people, not doing it to them.”

If you are a manager, you’ve probably learned that it is one of those things that looks pretty easy from the outside, but can turn out to be difficult to do well when you actually try it. Managers have to perform a number of different functions and play a variety of roles. It’s an active – proactive – process that requires a number of different qualities, skills and abilities.

Take a moment and think about it. Based on your experiences – whether as a manager or having seen managers in action – What does it take to be effective? Write your ideas down on a piece of paper before you read any farther.

If you are like most of my clients you probably wrote qualities like: effective communicator, organized, good delegator. They are all great answers! But let me give you another way of thinking about this – a formula for management effectiveness. I want to give you an equation.

Now before you flashback to ninth grade algebra and start getting anxious, let me acknowledge that this is more of a metaphor for management effectiveness than a strict algebraic equation. It gives us a framework within which we can talk about the key variables and their relationships to one another. Ok, enough disclaimers. Here’s the formula:

MANAGEMENT EFFECTIVENESS = (TS + QT + IM) MS

Maybe this equation will be a little more useful if I define the variables for you. Oh, by the way, it’s not reflected in the equation, but keep in mind that the variables are not all created equal. I’ll talk about their relative weights a little later in the post.

TS – Technical Skill

Variable number one is TS and that stands for Technical Skill. All I mean by technical skill is the job specific knowledge required to perform the work. For some types of positions the Technical Skills are very apparent. An IT manager might benefit from having knowledge about particular operating systems, or the ability to write a particular programming language. But every job has technical skills. One of my kids took a summer job at Starbucks. There are technical skills involved in being a Barista at Starbucks.

QT – Quality of Thinking.

QT stands for Quality of Thinking: How well do you take in and process information, and ultimately make good decisions? Part of the quality of your thinking is going to be affected by your intellectual horsepower. We all know people who seem to have a lot of “horses under their proverbial hoods”. They seem to have a depth and breadth of knowledge. They think quickly, make intuitive leaps. They are insightful. But there is – thank god – more to Quality of Thinking than just intellectual horsepower. Our critical thinking skill has an impact as well.

Think of it this way. Your intellectual horsepower represents the vehicle that you are driving. Your critical thinking skill represents your ability to drive the vehicle. Imagine two cars at the starting line of a race. One is a high-performance racing machine with 700 horsepower, racing tuned suspension, big, wide racing tires all the way around. The other car is a 1982 Ford Escort with 317 thousand miles on the original engine and transmission. Who is going to win that race? You are probably leaning towards the race-car, right? But how about if I told you that it was my 16-year-old nephew behind the wheel of that high performance racing machine. Would you still bet the house and dog? I hope not, for your dog’s sake.

It is pretty clear that in the racing analogy the power of the car is a factor, but not the only factor affecting the outcome. The skill of the driver can have a lot to do with the final results. Likewise, with Quality of Thinking. Intellectual horsepower is only as good as the critical thinking skills of the person making the decision. One of the reasons that this distinction matters is that by the time you are old enough to be interested in management, there is probably not a whole heck of a lot that anybody is going to be able to do to boost your intellectual horsepower. What you have is what you have. Actually, after a certain point, holding on to what you have left is the challenge. But regardless of where you are at in your life or your career you can learn new critical thinking skills, new ways of looking at a situation or processing information; new ways of structuring your decision-making. So variable number two is Quality of Thinking.

IM – Interpersonal Mastery

IM stands for Interpersonal Mastery. Simply put, how do you relate to other people.

• Can you create connections between yourself and others?
• Are you able to build rapport and emotional affinity?
• How effectively do you communicate?
• Are you able to feel and demonstrate empathy?

All are important for creating positive work relationships.

Are all three equally important?

As a manager, technical skill, quality of thinking and interpersonal mastery are all important, but according to the research, they are not all equally important. Technical skills seem to be important for credibility. They may, in some ways, be a prerequisite for effective management, but technical skill on its own doesn’t equate with managerial success. As a matter of fact, over reliance on technical skill can lead to management dysfunction. It can take a manager away from the things that have to be done to be effective as a manager. So think of technical skill as your ticket to the dance. It gets you in the door, but it doesn’t ensure that you have a good time.

Quality of thinking matters as well. The quality of our decisions affects much of what we do. But most of what makes management, management, isn’t about the cognitive and analytical. It is about relationships and the behaviors that develop them. IM is probably the most important of the three additive variables. Management is, after all, “Getting the right things done through and with other people”. Interpersonal Mastery is the skill set that enables a manager to build trust, communicate clear expectations and direction, provide feedback to reinforce good performance and coach employees to make improvements in their skills and ultimately their performance. Interpersonal Mastery rocks!

MS – Mindset

But there is another variable that we haven’t talked about yet. In the Management Effectiveness Formula it sits outside the parentheses and it affects all three of the additive variables. Variable number four is MS, which stands for Mindset. Mindset reflects our internal state; the emotions, attitudes and beliefs that may be hidden beneath the surface to one degree or another. Those emotions, attitudes and beliefs directly affect our thinking and interactions with others. In many ways they drive our behaviors, whether we are aware of it or not.

Let me give you an example. One of the training seminars that I offer is called Influencing: Getting things Done When You Don’t Have Authority. In that seminar we deal with the skills needed to navigate the political landscape of your organization. Organizational politics is one of those topics that tends to evoke some interesting Mindsets. Some participants in every workshop come in with the Mindset that organizational politics are irrelevant. They believe that they work in a meritocracy; That good performance will stand on its own and rise to the top. They believe that a good idea doesn’t need an advocate. Because of their Mindset they don’t actively participate in the political process. They focus their time and attention on the technical side of the equation and allow the rest of the chips to fall where they may. And as a result, they often become frustrated when their good ideas aren’t embraced by the rest of the organization. Their Mindset about organizational politics affects how they participate in that process, which in turn affects the results that they attain.

People often approach the idea of Mindset as if they have no control over it. It is what it is. But Mindset doesn’t have to be that way. We can become aware of and more in control of our attitudes and emotions. The more conscious we become of our Mindset the more control we gain over our reactions and behaviors. The more adaptable and resilient we become.

The variables I’ve just described in the effectiveness equation aren’t static and fixed sums . You can do something about them. You can learn new skills, gain insight into your style and preferences. You can develop self-knowledge and control that will allow you to increase your behavioral and emotional flexibility. You can become a more effective manager. And that, as Martha Stewart used to say, is a good thing!