Let me give you two names: Hillary Clinton & Donald Trump. We are in the home stretch of a Presidential election campaign here in the US. I don’t know how it’s going to turn out but I do think each of the candidates has demonstrated a basic fallacy of human thinking. That is, while we like to think of ourselves as logical, rational creatures, we aren’t.

Let me just offer one example for each candidate ( if you want to wallow in misery read: Complete List – Top 10 Donald Trump Failures  or What Was Hilary Thinking). Donald Trump chose to engage in a war of words with Gold Star Parents who lost their son in Iraq. Hillary Clinton chose to use a personal email server as Secretary of State, despite that fact that it is an unsecure way to communicate state secrets. They are both intelligent, successful people. But when you look at some of their actions from the outside you may be tempted to ask “what were they thinking”? The thing is, that despite being intelligent and successful, they are no different from you and I in at least one regard. We all make bad decisions.

Sometimes the bad decision is a small one. Like signing up with the wrong cell phone carrier or buying that shirt that looks great in the store but never comes out of your closet. Other times the bad decision can cost millions of dollars or end up getting people killed. We’re not as logical as you might imagine – or hope.

As Anais Nin said “We don’t see the world the way it is, we see it the way we are.” All our decisions are made within the context of our own paradigms. The way we see the world affects what we see and what we focus on. When we make a decision it’s made with all of our emotions and biases operating beneath the surface in the subconscious, so much of the time we make less than rational, less than optimal, decisions.  As it is unfolding, we probably aren’t even aware how the decision traps hardwired into our perceptual and cognitive systems may be leading us down the wrong path.

Here are 5 ways we can end up making the wrong decision.

1) We Tend To Form Opinions Based On Our Beliefs And Then Look For Data That Supports Them.

Let’s stay with the election cycle. Hillary supporters tend to look for information that paints her in a positive light. Trump supporters do the same. And both groups look for information that portrays the other candidate in a negative light. When we fall into that pattern we only look for and remember data that supports our position. That limits our objectivity and we often miss important information. It’s called confirmation bias.

By not seeking out objective facts, interpreting information in a way that only supports our existing beliefs, and only remembering details that uphold our beliefs, we often miss important information that might have otherwise influenced our decision on which candidate to support.

2) We Can Totally Misread The Likelihood Of An Event Occurring

The decision trap is called Gamblers Fallacy or the Monte Carlo Fallacy because on August 18, 1913, at the casino in Monte Carlo, black came up a record twenty-six times in a row on the roulette wheel. After the fifteenth time, players started doubling and tripling their bets on red because they believed that there was not a chance in the world of another black coming up. They were wrong because they failed to understand statistical independence: Two events are statistically independent when the occurrence of one has no statistical effect upon the occurrence of the other. For example: It would be statistically very rare to flip a coin 15 times and have it come up heads all 15 times. But each time I flip the coin I do have a 50% chance of it coming up heads.

Gambler’s Fallacy doesn’t only affect our chances of getting rich at roulette. It affects many of the decisions that we make. According to Daniel Chen and his colleagues about 9 % of loan applications are subject to this type of bias. Let’s say a bank officer is reviewing loan application and approves 7 in a row. Subconsciously they may change how they look at the next application. They may start to feel that they are becoming too lax in their criteria and they may very well focus on something in the next application to exclude it. So if you are applying for a loan, that means you may have about a 1 in 10 chance of having it rejected because of the cognitive bias of the loan officer.

3) We May Be Hardwired To View Events And People Through A Negative Filter

We seem to process and weigh information in an asymmetrical way. Our brains seem to be hardwired – from an evolutionary perspective – to pay more attention to what’s wrong, rather than what’s right. Our brains have evolved to be fearful.

We probably developed that way to be able to quickly identify potential threats, but we don’t live in the same type of world in which we evolved.  In today’s world, that negativity trap causes us to react more intensely to what we perceive as being wrong in a situation and to think of people and issues through the same type of filter. We can end up making an irrational decision to avoid the potential losses rather than for the potential benefits.

Think about how it affects your relationships. If you are a manager or leader, you are probably much more inclined to notice what people do wrong rather than what they do right. That may affect how you assign work, how you complete a direct report’s performance appraisal and it will certainly have an impact on how you relate to them.  Outside of work it can have a tremendous impact on how we decide to interact with the people in our lives.

4) We Tend To See Our Kind As Better

We tend to evaluate and see the group we identify with more favorably than other groups. That could be white versus black, Democrat versus Republican, Philadelphia eagle fan versus NY Giants fan, you get the drift, right? It’s an intergroup bias decision trap. Think about the impact of that bias on how we interact with others: Prejudice, Stereotyping, Discrimination, Wars.

Increasingly, what we do at work requires interdepartmental collaboration and integration. We have to work across functional boundaries to access other’s knowledge and acumen to generate innovative solutions for difficult challenges. The Us versus Them mentality that accompanies intergroup bias can make that very difficult. Innovation and synergy require differences. When we reject those differences, because we see our side as better, we limit our organizational effectiveness.

5) We Often Feel Compelled To Throw Good Time, Money And Effort After Bad.

When is enough, enough? We can have a hard time recognizing that it is time to pull the plug on a project, or a relationship for that matter. We can experience an Escalation of Commitment.

Our original decision to start a project, or to get involved in a relationship, may have been well thought out and rational. But the more we invest in it, the harder it is to extricate our self. Our sense of self-worth gets caught up in the issue and we rationalize and justify our decision to continue to invest in it.

Robert Campeau is a self-made made man who worked his way up from an eighth grade education to being a multimillionaire real estate developer. His accomplishments took intelligence, hard work and good thinking. Back in the late 80’s he got involved in a highly public bidding war with Macy’s over Federated Department Stores – the parent company of Bloomingdale’s. It turned out to be the largest and most visible retail merger in history at the time. By March 25th, The Wall Street Journal (3/25/88) observed that ‘we’re not dealing in price anymore but egos. What’s been offered is top dollar, and beyond what anyone expected’. On March 31st, with Macy’s on the verge of winning the bidding war, Campeau approached Macy’s with an eleventh-hour compromise. Macey’s refused, so Campeau escalated. He topped Macy’s offer by $500 million. He won the battle but lost the war. He ended up making the deal, but because of the debt service, those department stores – which had been very profitable – had to declare bankruptcy.

Those are examples of just five decision traps. Behavioral scientists have identified well over a hundred other biases and distortions that can affect our ability to make good decisions. I know some of you are thinking, “that’s interesting but those biases don’t affect my thinking”. There’s actually a decision trap that leads you to think that way. It’s called illusory superiority. If you ask 100 people to rate their driving ability 90% are likely to rate themselves above average.

So, the bottom line is that we have some potential holes in our thinking. But the good news is that we can do something about them. Despite all of the distortions and biases we can learn to think better. Critical Thinking is a skill, like driving a car, playing golf or dancing. By understanding where the potential decision traps lie we can see things as they really are, more accurately evaluate issues and draw better conclusions.

The story goes that when Steve Jobs was trying to entice John Sculley to leave Pepsi-Cola and join Apple he used a powerful communication tool. He asked Sculley, “Do you want to spend the rest of your life selling sugared water, or do you want to change the world?” Given that comparison, Sculley of course, moved to Apple. Steve Jobs was a Master Communicator. He was adept at going beyond the facts to inspire, engage and influence.

Do you believe the facts speak for themselves? If you subscribe to that philosophy I bet that there have been times you’ve been disappointed by others not listening to, or accepting your “facts”. Let me be clear, it’s absolutely important to base your proposals and suggestions on a strong, supportable business case. But it’s the way you tell the facts that persuades.

In this post I want to move beyond the logical, rational, facts only approach. I want to focus on one little communication technique that, as Steve Job’s showed, can have a disproportionate impact; it’s a way of turbo charging a sentence or two to dramatically increase its persuasive horsepower.  See where I’m going with this? That’s right, Metaphor. A word or a phrase that’s used to make a comparison between two things. Metaphors can create an instant understanding in your listener. The right metaphor can be a catalyst for a dazzling sense of recognition. Many years ago, when my Drill Sargent at Marine Corps Officer Candidate’s School told me that I “was as smart as a soup sandwich” I didn’t need to ask for clarification. I knew exactly what he was implying. For the sake of this post, I’m lumping metaphors, analogies and similes all into the same bucket and simply referring to them as metaphors. Forgive me if I offend your grammatical sensibilities.

I mentioned to my wife that I was writing a blog post on using metaphors. Her response was “Does anybody care about that?” I guess the answer is I don’t know. But I do know that you should care. Metaphors can be a very powerful weapon in your influence arsenal. So, what does a good metaphor do for you?

• It creates a connection between your idea / proposal and something else with which your listener is more familiar. That familiarity can lower the potential resistance in your listener.
• It helps to simplify – often in a word or a sentence – a more complex issue. And with that simplification can come an increased sense of comfort on the listener’s part.
• It can tap into and evoke emotional connections between your idea and the issue you are comparing it to.
• It can create a sensory experience within your listener. They may feel, or see or even taste (sour grapes, anyone?) the association
• It can multiply / magnify the more factual or statistical evidence that you employ to persuade.
• It can alter the paradigm with which a person perceives the situation. By altering the paradigm, the metaphor can have a direct impact on the listener’s behavior.

The right metaphor is much more likely to be a surgical scalpel rather than a club. Many times your listener won’t even be aware of its impact. But just as the scalpel cuts a fine incision, a good metaphor can leave a lasting impact. That’s not just opinion. There’s actually research to back it up.

Professor Lera Boroditsky and doctoral candidate Paul Thibodeau of Stanford University conducted a study to gauge the impact of metaphor. Their research focused on attitudes towards crime. In five experiments, subjects were asked to read short paragraphs about rising crime rates in the fictional city of Addison and answer questions about the city. In some of the descriptions, crime was framed as “a beast” in others it was described as “a virus”. That was the only difference – 1 word – between the descriptions. The researchers found that the subject’s attitudes about, and solutions for, crime were influenced by the metaphor. Subjects who read about crime as a beast were much more likely to endorse a law enforcement solution while the subjects who read about crime as a virus were more likely to support social reform. They concluded “We find that even the subtlest instantiation of a metaphor (via a single word) can have a powerful influence over how people attempt to solve social problems like crime and how they gather information to make “well-informed” decisions. Interestingly, we find that the influence of the metaphorical framing effect is covert: people do not recognize metaphors as influential in their decisions; instead they point to more “substantive” (often numerical) information as the motivation for their problem-solving decision.”  The right metaphor can be a pretty powerful way of getting your message across.

I’m not particularly skilled at the use of metaphor, but I try hard. Sort of like that kid on the t-ball team who has an earnest look of determination on his face but misses both the ball and the T three times out of five. But I don’t think I’m unusual in my lack of skill. In my experience few people use metaphors as frequently or as skillfully as they should. Part of the problem may be hardwired. I’m a pretty literal person. I tend to most naturally focus on my senses for my data. I concentrate on what I can see and hear and touch. And then I naturally describe it back that way to the people I’m communicating with, using concrete, literal descriptions. In Jungian Typology (MBTI Preferences) I naturally have a preference relying on Sensing (S) for taking in information. A friend and colleague – Mack Munro – is the opposite. His preference is Intuition (N). He sees the same things I do but more naturally makes connections between them and other things. He tends to think and speak more metaphorically.

Sometimes, when he gets rolling, the metaphors come out like the staccato of bullets from a machine gun (See I told you I wasn’t great at this). I on the other hand sometimes have to be hit over the head with it, if it’s not completely spelled out. I can remember spending a month doing a writing assignment in my office, listening to the same Jack Johnson song – “Break Down” – probably a hundred times before it dawned on me that he wasn’t really singing about a train breaking down. It was a metaphor for living life. I don’t want to be too pedantic about the MBTI / Type connection so let me just say that statistically there aren’t that many people floating around with a preference for N (about 25%). So, most of us are hardwired to look at things – and communicate our ideas – literally rather than metaphorically. Metaphors don’t come as naturally to us.

So what. I’m not Eric Clapton but I can still play a reasonable guitar. Particularly compared to someone who doesn’t play the guitar at all.  Despite being metaphorically challenged I’m able to use them when I need to. And the more I practice, the stronger the muscle becomes (That’s me practicing again). I want to offer you some ideas for developing your own metaphoric muscles.

Crafting A Useful Metaphor

Because I don’t naturally think in metaphor, I use a three-step process when I want to develop one.

1.) Consider the paradigms and perspectives of your target audience. Their:

• Likely experiences
• Achievements
• Challenges
• Interests

Example: I developed and facilitate a seminar called Influencing without Authority, I typically market “Influencing Without Authority” to mid to large corporations and organizations around the world. I was talking with a VP of Learning & Development about her organization’s needs. Among other things, she described a matrixed organization that relied on a very collaborative cross functional process for developing and launching new products.

2.) Identify the key elements / attributes of your idea or proposal. What are they? How will it work? What are its benefits? List them out.

Example: “Influencing Without Authority” is usually conducted as a two-day work session, but it is scalable. It provides participants with mental maps for influencing, navigating organizational politics and for creating strong partnerships. It employs an Influence Assessment, Influence Mapping Tools, Micro-Skill Practices, Case Studies and Experiential Activities. Participation in the seminar can help improve communication, leadership and an individual’s ability to get things done.

3.) Brainstorm connections between the needs and experiences of the listener and the attributes and benefits of your idea / proposal. Be creative. Blue sky it. Think outside of the proverbial box – but not too far. Developing a good metaphor is like writing a new song. It should sound original and familiar at the same time

Example:

Need of Learning & Development VP: A way to improve interaction within a matrixed organization

Attribute of Influencing Without Authority Seminar: Focuses on communication Skills

Possible Comparisons: Bridge, Tool, Lens,

Possible Metaphor: Influencing Without Authority can provide participants with the communication tools they need to build a bridge across the cultural and functional differences that they face within their matrixed organization to create a shared vision.

I know, I know, building a bridge isn’t the most creative or elegant metaphor. But for me it’s a step in the right direction. And, despite its simplicity, I did end up getting the business.

Metaphors can seem like small part of an idea or proposal. But they can be disproportionately powerful for the space that they take up. Mark Twain wrote “The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and lightning bug”. A metaphor just may be the “right word” you’re looking for to turbocharge your next idea.

What are your thoughts? Any favorite metaphors for getting your ideas across?

Steve Jobs once said, “People think focus means saying yes to the thing you’ve got to focus on. But that’s not what it means at all. It means saying no to the hundred other good ideas that there are. You have to pick carefully.” Like him or not, the man knew where his priorities were and was able to devote his energy and attention into making his aspirations a reality. Isn’t that 80% of the battle? Knowing what’s important to you, personally, and then focusing your effort there and not being diverted.

I’ve been spending a bit of my time the last few years helping people to identify who they aspire to be in their lives, so that they can focus their energy and effort on the things that really matter to them. The process usually involves helping them to identify their key stakeholders and to operationalize exactly what it is they want their lives to be – how they aspire to live out their hopes and dreams and values.

A common issue I’ve heard from many of the people I’ve worked with is just how challenging it can be to stay focused when other people – colleagues, friends, family – attempt to involve you in their issues.

The Cost Of Not Saying No

The process loss involved in stopping work on one thing and beginning work on a different issue (someone else’s fire) is called the switching cost. There is a mental process that we go through. We have to:

1) Mentally shift our goal focus – “I’m not going to do this anymore, now I’m going to do that”

2) Mentally change our paradigm and cognitive rules – I’m turning off the rules and mental maps that pertain to what I was working on, and I’m booting up new rules and mental maps for what you are asking me to do.

Those cognitive switching costs are like interest compounding on a credit card balance. If you use the card sparingly, no problem, you can handle the interest. But if you are using that credit card day in and day out, the interest will add up quickly. If you are getting interrupted from your work on tasks that are important to you, to fight other people’s fires on a regular basis, those switching costs will eat you alive. You won’t accomplish the things that matter most to you. Or you’ll find yourself up at 2 am trying to work on something that really matters, after a hard day of solving other people’s problems. Unfortunately, you are unlikely to have the physical or mental energy that you need to do it successfully. According to the American Psychological Association, repeated switching costs can tally up to 40% of an individual’s productive time. Again, that’s not even counting the time that you aren’t working on your own goal. Who can afford that? We simply can’t say yes to everyone.

Disclaimer: Relationships are an important part of life – personally as well as professionally. Building and maintaining them should be a priority. It’s when we fight other people’s fires – mindlessly, or because we are afraid to say no – that it can become dysfunctional and a hindrance to our effectiveness.

We need to be able to use a positive No to maintain our focus and accomplish the things that matter most to us. My clients tell me that it’s hard for them to use that No. They feel uncomfortable with it. They wish they could do it better.

I want to offer some ideas.

Why we have difficulty saying no

Our discomfort with the word No is emotional. If we didn’t experience emotions and empathy, it would probably be pretty easy to say no, wouldn’t it? There are different flavors to how our emotions may affect us.

You may:

1. Have the need to please
2. Equate saying no to being rude
3. Be uncomfortable with conflict
4. Believe that saying no will damage the relationship
5. Not want to disappoint the other person
6. Believe that it’s your responsibility to say yes

I’m tempted to go into a long-winded analysis of each of the possible reasons, but instead let me just cut to the chase. GET OVER IT! Whichever of those reasons resonates with you, let it go! Saying no doesn’t automatically create conflict, disappoint or damage the relationship. It doesn’t have to be rude, and having the need to please can end up being highly dysfunctional if you take it too far. Recognize what’s preventing you from saying No and make a conscience choice to put it aside. You can actually control your emotional state. Shift yourself to a set of internal emotions where you feel more comfortable setting boundaries and staying focused.

Once you’ve decided to start using No more regularly, there are some strategies to do it more effectively.

1) Say No Without Ever Having To Say No

Sun Tzu wrote in the Art of War “The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting.” You are facing a war for your time and energy. Wouldn’t it be great to win that conflict without having to say no or turn someone away?

1. Set Boundaries – Establish a time when you will be available each day to deal with questions and requests. I’ll call that time your Office Hours. You can call it whatever you like. Let your network know. Encourage them to wait until that time each day – if they can. If you are really in demand consider briefer Office Hours in both the morning and the afternoon.
2. Turn Off Email notifications – Email is a fantastic tool for communicating. Use it, don’t let it use you. Set a few times each day to check and respond to email. Turn off your notifications. Turn them off on your desktop as well as on your mobile device. Choose when you will do email, don’t let the tail wag the dog. According to a variety of studies, many of us have formed an unhealthy habit of checking our email too frequently – around 200 times a day. What are the switching costs of that?
3. Batch Phone Calls – Much like with email, the phone can be a source of unpredictable, intermittent interruptions. Or you can use it. Let your phone go to voicemail and set a time on your calendar during the day to return those calls. Don’t use the phone as an excuse to break your flow. The exception to this rule is, of course, if your job is to answer the phone and provide service to clients and stakeholders. Other than that, let it go to voicemail.
4. Schedule One On One Meetings – If you manage others you need to be there for them. But that doesn’t mean that they should have 24/7 unfettered access to you and your energy for every trivial thing under the sun. Set up a regular meeting time – once a week – to discuss whatever they want. It’s their meeting. They get to set the agenda. Explain to them that you’d like them to save any issues that can wait, for that meeting or for whatever hours you set for daily Office Hours. Also explain what types of issues will require immediate communication.

2) Use A More Positive Approach: Yes – No – Yes

Even with well-defined boundaries, there will always be unexpected interruptions. The way we say No will have an impact on how it is received. William Ury, in his book The Power of A Positive No, points out that our focus when we start our response matters. All too often we start from the perspective of being against the other person’s perspective or request. That type of reactive response can create animosity and negative feelings. He recommends a more proactive response based on what we are for rather than what we are against.

Consider using a three-part process:

1. Begin by saying Yes to yourself and safeguarding what matters to you – in this case your time and energy. Be clear in your own mind about your priorities – what are the key roles and goals in your life? If you are legitimately spending time working on one of those key roles or goals (Which you should be!) then it will be easy to say Yes to yourself and to shift to an emotional state more conducive to saying No to the other person’s fire. Then say Yes by telling the other person about your current priority.
2. Then offer a straightforward, matter of fact No. Tone of voice matters. Be assertive, not aggressive or dismissive.
3. Finally, close the loop by following with another Yes. Say Yes to the relationship and – hopefully – provide an alternative solution. In many cases you are not saying “Never”, you’re saying “Not Now”. So, if not now, when? If the answer really is Never (The issue clearly is their fire and you want nothing to do with it) try to point them in a direction that you believe will be helpful. Affirm the value that you place on the relationship.

It sounds more difficult than it is. It’s actually a pretty straightforward process.

Request: “Joe, do you have a few minutes to talk about the project?”

Yes (to yourself) I’m currently working on writing a new Post for my Web Site. It’s important to me and I don’t want to lose my flow.

Response: “Hi Susan. Unfortunately, I am right in the middle of something important right now. So I’m going to have to say No at this moment. But I do want to talk with you about the project. Are you available at 2?

Not every interruption or request will be as obvious and straightforward. More often, you will have to ask a few clarifying questions to really understand that the person isn’t asking about a fire burning uncontrollably, in your own back yard.

Saying No can be a withdrawal from what Stephen Covey called the Emotional Bank Account. When you do say No, look for opportunities to begin to replenish that relationship bank account as soon as possible. Ask yourself, what would be a deposit for that person? As soon as possible after the No, follow through and make that deposit to help affirm the relationship.

3) Say NO to Yourself

I’ve been focusing on saying no to others, but there is another part to the process. You have to be able to say No to yourself as well. Every time you move from one task to another you incur those switching costs. Even when you move on your own initiative. If you work for ten minutes on a key goal and then pick up the phone because you remember you need to call a colleague – or you check your email, – or you surf the web or you do whatever – you’re losing productivity. How often does that happen for you?

Saying No to yourself is also about saying Yes, isn’t it? It’s about knowing what is most important to you – your key Roles and Goals and Stakeholders. It’s about ensuring that you spend most of your time and energy focusing on those key parts of your life instead of responding to other people’s fires or letting yourself become distracted. Those self-initiated distractions may be an even larger hindrance to your personal effectiveness than requests and interruptions from others.

According to Gloria Mark, Professor in the Department of Informatics at the University of California, the subjects she studied switched tasks – on their own – on average, every 3 minutes and 5 seconds. In the hour and a half that I’ve been writing this Post, I’ve gotten up for a snack, answered the phone, watched 4 innings of the Phillies game (they’re losing) and gone to the bathroom (twice) Maybe it’s time to start saying No to myself.

I’m trying to change the language that I use. It’s been an uphill process. All right, maybe you need a little of the backstory. A few months ago a colleague and I had a difference of opinion (notice I didn’t say disagreement?) about a business project. Somehow during that conversation she shared with me that I sounded disgruntled. It was like a slap in the face and my immediate reaction (internally) was denial. I’m not feeling disgruntled. Why would she say that? This is more about her than about me. When the sting started to fade I was able to consider the comment a little more constructively. What did I do that might cause her to see me that way? I came to a realization that the language (words) I often use and the focus of my casual conversation (problems, challenges and personal disasters) might be contributing.

The words we use not only communicate intelligibly about a topic, they also communicate powerful messages about us personally as well. Sometimes the message they communicate is not the one that we intend. Positive language communicates a message of enthusiasm, confidence and credibility. Negative language can communicate a much different story – disengagement, frustration powerlessness. How would you prefer to be seen? You probably spend a great deal of your time and energy trying to influence others. According to a Qualtrics study of over 7000 participants, employees in the U.S. are spending about 40% of their time engaged in some form of influencing others. How you are seen – your personal brand – really matters. The words you choose can have a real impact.

The language we use can affect our personal brand in several ways

Likability

People like to do things for, and with, people they like. Long-term influence is driven – in part – by our likability. There are a number of traits that can contribute and positivity is high up on the list. We like people who have a positive outlook. If you’ve ever spent time with a colleague with the personality of Eeyore – the pessimistic, gloomy, depressed donkey from Winnie-The Pooh – you’ve experienced the contrast first hand. Their language, and the focus of their conversation bring us down. After a while we start to avoid them. They walk into the room and we let out a big sigh. It’s as if a dark cloud just rolled in and our dog just peed on our leg.

On the other hand people who use positive language make us feel good. The words they use and what they talk about elevate our mood. We feel better for having spent time with them. We like them.

Our ability to create a positive or negative emotional state in another person begins with the focus of our conversation. Do we use a negative or a positive frame in our communication?

Framing

Almost every situation that we experience can be seen from multiple perspectives – positive, negative or neutral. The way we naturally see a situation is probably a function of our personality, our mental models and our in-the-moment internal state. Framing is the process of consciously choosing one particular meaning – or set of meanings – over another. It begins internally and becomes apparent to others through the words we choose.

Yes, you absolutely have to be authentic. But that doesn’t mean that you have to accept every thought that comes in to your head. You get to choose how you experience a particular situation. You can choose to put it in a positive functional frame or you can choose to look at it negatively. Put that way most of us are going to say, “Well, I’ll choose to look at it positively”. The problem is that many of us – myself included – often allow the frame and meaning to develop on its own rather than making a conscious choice.

I worked on a large project a couple of years ago with a number of other people. After the completion of the three-day launch event we were debriefing and I saw first hand both positive and negative framing. One colleague, a very intelligent and perceptive individual gave his impressions:

“The materials had a number of errors. The Coaches weren’t focusing on the right issues. We can’t continue to use that instrument. It’s too complex, participants aren’t able to understand it well enough to use it in their interactions.” He went on painting a picture of doom and gloom by focusing on what he saw as being wrong with the kick-off.

Another stakeholder painted a different picture with her frame.

“I thought that we made real improvements in this kick-off versus last years. All of the participants seemed really engaged throughout all three days. The timing of the activities seemed to work really well. I noticed participants really using the tools in their breakout sessions. I also think the Coaches seem to understand the conceptual model and the process that they are going to be involved in. I do think that it’s going to take some time for them to grow into their roles. But we do have a process in place to work with them over the next year.”

A negative frame focuses on what’s wrong or what can’t be done. It may have a connotation of blame. A positive frame focuses on opportunities and possibilities. It describes what can or might be done. It has a tone of optimism or helpfulness.

How do you frame? Do you tend to focus on what’s wrong and point out problems? Or are you able to notice and communicate what’s right about a situation? I’m not suggesting that you ignore a problem. However, the way you describe it – the frame you put around it – will affect how others perceive it. It will also affect how they perceive you.

The Power Of A Single Word

A metaphor is a type of frame. We use metaphors and analogies to make comparisons and communicate a perspective about an issue. The way we frame the metaphor can have an impact on another’s perceptions and attitudes. Psychology Professor Lera Boroditsky and doctoral candidate Paul Thibodeau of Stanford University conducted a study to gauge the impact of metaphor. Their research focused on attitudes towards crime. In five experiments, subjects were asked to read short paragraphs about rising crime rates in the fictional city of Addison and answer questions about the city. In some of the descriptions, crime was framed as “a beast” in others it was described as “a virus”. That was the only difference – 1 word – between the descriptions. The researchers found that the subject’s attitudes about, and solutions for, crime were influenced by the metaphor frame. Subjects who read about crime as a beast were much more likely to endorse a law enforcement solution while the subjects who read about crime as a virus were more likely to support social reform. Somehow I have to think that our national politicians are acutely aware of the power of framing.

There is also evidence that words can have an impact on the physiology of the brain as well. Just as the written frame influenced the attitude of the research subject, our internal frame influences our own attitudes and behaviors. The way we see a situation – our mental map – will affect how we talk about it. We can just let nature take its course and allow whatever mental map is in place to dictate the frame that we communicate, or we can consciously choose the lens through which we will view an issue or situation.

Positive Language

So the words we use to describe something, whether they be self talk in our own mind or spoken aloud to a room full of people affect how we view a situation. Positive language is the language of optimism and confidence. When we use it, it can create attitudes and behaviors that lead to a positive self-fulfilling prophecy. Negative language focuses on blame and reactivity. It can paint an unflattering picture of who we are or what we are about. So what types of language can frame negative or positive?

                                                         Negative                          Positive

                                                            No                                        Yes

                                                            Sure                                     Absolutely

                                                            I Can’t                                 I Will

                                                            I Have To                           I Choose To

                                                            I Must                                 I Want

                                                            All right                              Yes

                                                            Yes But                               Yes And

                                                            That’s just the way it is    Let’s explore our options

It’s easy to develop a pattern of negative language. Robert Schrauf at Penn State found that we have far more words in our vocabulary that express negative feelings rather than positive emotions. His research found a consistent 50% Negative 30% Positive 20% Neutral ratio across cultures.

The Negative Impact On You

Not only can the words we use create negative perceptions in others, they can also create or reinforce negative attitudes and paradigms within our own internal state. In addition to revealing negative self-beliefs, our language can act as a type of self-programing mechanism. Our subconscious hears and responds to our language. There’s a walnut shaped structure in the middle of our brain called the Thalamus. It relays sensory information about the outer world to other parts of the brain. According to Andrew Newberg and Mark Waldman the Thalamus doesn’t differentiate between real and imagined. It processes our words and thoughts similarly to how it treats what we see, and hear and experience with our senses. It doesn’t distinguish between outer reality and how you’ve internally framed the issue.

“Our language-based thoughts shape our consciousness, and consciousness shapes the reality we perceive. So choose your words wisely because they become as real as the ground on which you stand. Andrew Newberg & Mark Robert Waldman “Words Can Change Your Brain”

Actions You Can Take

1. Monitor Your Self-Talk. We All talk to ourselves. Pretty much all the time. We have a rich internal dialogue in which our everyday consciousness is engaged in a running commentary of what we experience and imagine. Listen to what you are saying to yourself. Is it positive or negative? It all starts on the inside. If you hear your self-talk saying “this sucks, it’s unfair, I can’t”, or some other negative comment, you can do something about it. Make some positive changes. Replay that self talk in a more optimistic, more positive language.
2. Create A Psychological Space. Events can sometimes come out of the blue and lead to a knee-jerk negative response. I was walking across 8th Avenue in NYC over the summer and had a guy in a drop top Mercedes come within 3 inches of hitting me. I wasn’t expecting it and my internal framing and loud external language was positivity challenged (to say the least). When you encounter a negative situation, try to create space between the event and your response. Pause, count to six, ask questions, whatever works for you. That space will give you an opportunity to formulate a more positive response.
3. Consciously Choose A Positive Response. Make a decision – in the moment – to use language that looks at the issue in a positive – or at least neutral frame. Rather than focusing on what can’t be done offer alternatives. Instead of pointing fingers and blaming, accept ownership for improving things. Rather than limit your influence, consciously communicate optimism and confidence by using affirming language.
4. Say Good Things About Yourself. If our subconscious is listening and paying attention to our self talk, beating ourselves up in our internal dialogue can do significant damage. Maybe it’s time to start giving yourself some kudos and positive feedback. Celebrate your accomplishments. Focus on what you’ve done well don’t dwell on the stuff that hasn’t worked out.Let other people know about your achievements.
5. Pump Up The Positive When possible – and appropriate – pump up the positivity. Instead of saying the meeting was good, how about really good or even excellent. Remember our internal frame and language can affect our internal programing. Make a conscious choice to boost your emotional affect.
6. Become A Positive Contagion. Your attitude and energy can be contagious. When people like or feel comfortable with you they will often mirror you subconsciously. Work to be the person who raises the energy and the mood in the room.

For me, maintaining a positive frame and using positive language is an ongoing process. I don’t do it naturally. I have to work at it. But I am finding that the more I do it, the easier it becomes. I was at a restaurant with my wife and daughter the other night when the light immediately above our table went out. They both started complaining about it. My positive response was “Maybe we can ask them for candles. It could be nice here with candlelight.” My daughter looked at me in disbelief and asked, “Who are you?”

Baby steps, I keep reminding myself. Baby steps.

Well crap! That’s not what I want to hear. I am many things, but quick thinking? I think not. I’m great at Trivial Pursuit or even “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire”, but nobody in my family wants me on their team for Celebrity Name Game or Pictionary. Does that mean that my dream of being charismatic – or at least more charismatic – is doomed to failure? People with higher levels of Charisma get noticed and listened to. They’re more influential. I’d like that, wouldn’t you?

What Is Charisma?

First off, let’s make sure that we are on the same page about what we mean by Charisma. The dictionary defines it as:

1. Compelling attractiveness or charm that can inspire devotion in others

Man, this just keeps getting worse and worse for me. Attractiveness? Charm?

2. A divinely conferred power or talent

Divinely conferred? Does that mean that you are either born with Charisma or not? This is starting to sound a bit hopeless.

Let me approach Charisma from a different angle. Another way to look at Charisma is in the impact that it has on us.  When we perceive someone as Charismatic, we have some type of positive emotional reaction to the person. Something about them captures our attention and impresses us. We may develop a sense of awe and admiration about them. Or it may be more about how they may make us feel. Many years ago when I was being trained in psychology I had a professor named George Regensburg. When he spoke with me, I always felt that I had his complete attention. His ability to focus that attention made me feel special. He made me feel good about myself. So in a way Charisma is the ability to inspire awe or admiration in someone else and / or the ability to make someone else feel special.

Is Charisma Hardwired?

According to Von Hippel’s research there probably are aspects of Charisma that are more hardwired:

• Thinking speed – What I describe as the ability to process information and respond quickly
• Divergent Response – Von Hippel describes it as the ability to come back with an unexpected answer or a surprising association.

There doesn’t seem to be a great deal I can do about those qualities. I can’t see myself turbocharging my thinking speed or somehow becoming the reincarnation of Robin Williams. 

But there are other aspects of Charisma that can be developed. Many of the behaviors can be learned. Sure, some people have more of a natural talent for it, but we can all learn how to be more Charismatic. The people we see as being Charismatic today, probably weren’t always so. George Clooney is the personification of Charisma. Charming, articulate and with a presence that commands attention. But I remember seeing George Clooney early in his career as Booker Brookes on that 90’s sitcom Roseanne. He was pretty much the antithesis of Charisma at that point in his life! You can’t tell me Charisma isn’t a learned behavior.

How To Develop Your Personal Charisma

I want to offer 5 abilities that you can learn and develop to become more Charismatic. Each of the abilities has qualities and skills associated with it. Because this is a Post – and not a book –  I’m going to limit myself to describing the “what” and not the “how” of each ability.

1.  Be Aware Of And In Control Of Your  Internal State

Charisma develops from the inside – out. What I mean by that is that it starts on the inside with our beliefs and emotional controls. When we have it right on the inside, only then can we act and behave Charismatically on the outside. The way we manage our internal state is a prerequisite for Charismatic behavior. Our emotions make up a large part of that internal state. They have a tremendous impact on how we experience and interact with the rest of the world. Being aware of what we are experiencing emotionally gives us the opportunity to choose a more functional emotion. Instead of being angry I can choose to be motivated. Instead of feeling upset because of something a colleague has said, I can reframe my understanding of their behavior and respond more constructively.

A quote by Bishop Fulton Sheen says it perfectly:

“Each of us makes his own weather, determines the color of the skies in the emotional universe which he inhabits.”

Each of us has the ability to choose our emotional response. Learn how to choose a functional, useful response.

2. Be Present

Charismatic people have a presence about them. Being present – in the moment – is an essential ingredient to developing that presence. Being Present is about maintaining a moment by moment awareness of our internal thoughts, sensations and feelings as well as the external environment – the people & activities – that we are interacting with. Being present in the moment is critical for Charisma in that enables us to truly focus our attention. When I was a young second lieutenant in the Marine Corps, General P.X Kelly (He would later become the Commandant of the Marine Corps) came to talk to my battalion. I happened to be sitting in the front row for his remarks. When he made eye contact with me, I felt a jolt. It was as if he was speaking only to me. Focus. Presence.

3. Be Confident

Being confident begins with knowing who you are and being comfortable in your own skin. It’s amazing how important self-awareness is, isn’t it? Being confident on the inside doesn’t always equate to appearing confident on the outside, but sometimes there is actually a reciprocal effect. In other words acting confident on the outside can lead to being more confident on the inside. So what are some of the behaviors of confidence?

• Engage in positive self talk internally
• Have the courage to speak your mind respectfully
• Use positive language that demonstrates ownership and control like “I will” and “I can” instead of “I have to “I can’t” or “If only”
• Be proactive; initiate contact and take action
• Demonstrate enthusiasm
• Trust yourself

4. Practice Charismatic Nonverbal and Paraverbal Behaviors

We humans seem hard-wired to take in more of, and place more importance on, the body language and tone of the people we are interacting with, than on the actual words they use. It runs counter to our fantasies of living in a logical, rational world, but we’ve been depending on our ability to decode body language and tone of voice for our survival much longer than we’ve had access to the spoken or written word.

Study after study emphasize the importance of body language and tone of voice, and new technology has made it possible to monitor and prove it outside the lab. Dr Alex Pentland and his colleagues at MIT’s Media Lab have done multiple experiments in call centers where, using wearable devices, they have been able to track the tone of voice (not their actual words) and upper body movements of call center employees. They’ve developed algorithms that are able to accurately predict in seconds the likelihood of a sale simply based on tone and body language. Nonverbals and paraverbals matter. A lot!

The question is which ones lead to perceptions of Charisma? According to Olivia Fox Cabane in her book The Charisma Myth:

• Power – Some of how we perceive power is contextual – how others interact with the person, their status in the organization. But much of our perceptions come from the  tone and nonverbals. Handshake, posture, tone of voice, attire, eye contact, and gestures can all create a perception of power.
•  Warmth – Warmth is about how others perceive our intentions towards them. Do they see us as having their interests? As having goodwill and being benevolent? Saying you’ve got their back isn’t enough. Your tone and body language have to match the message. It’s difficult to fake. People see through the lack of authenticity.

 Perceptions of both Power and Warmth can lead to being seen as Charismatic. Wonderful if you are able to pull off both. But I’ve known Charismatic individuals who were certified jerks. So either Power or Warmth may be its own, separate pathway to Charisma.

5. Use The Language Of Charisma

Language may not be sufficient on its own, but when married with the right internal state and body language, the words you use can touch emotions and create connections.

• Frame your ideas for your audience. Know their issues and hot buttons.
• Use analogies to create a connection between your idea and their experience. Metaphors and analogies create an instant understanding and help the other person to experience what you want them to experience.
• Tell a story to connect emotionally. Think emotions don’t matter? Neuroscientist Antonio Damasio studied people with lesions in the part of the brain where emotions are generated. He found that they were normal, except that they were not able to feel emotions. They also had something else in common. They weren’t able to make decisions. Emotions are at the core of who we are. They affect all of our decisions.

 Why You Should Care About Charisma

Well, there you have it. Five abilities that you can practice and develop to become more Charismatic.

Charisma isn’t just about showing off or having the spotlight. It’s a behavioral tool for getting things done. Would you like your good ideas to be heard and acted on? The more Charismatic you are, the more people will pay attention to what you have to say. If you are a manager or aspire to leadership, influencing others is an important part of your job. Charisma is influence. And regardless of what role you play within your organization, wouldn’t you like to have more impact? Working on these five abilities can help. They seem doable to me. I mean, if George Clooney could learn it, why not you or I?

Last week I put together a proposal for a perspective client and had a colleague look at it before sending it out. After reading it, she pointed out some of the ways that I could improve the proposal, and did it in a way that left me feeling good about the whole exchange. I immediately made the changes that she recommended. It got me thinking about the skillful way that she made her suggestions and the art of giving effective feedback.

It’s such an integral part of building and maintaining strong relationships. We all need to be able to do it, but so often  we have trouble with it. We stress about it, put it off and when it finally reaches a tipping point it often comes out in a way that ends up being seen as a personal attack or as unfair, or as just plain WRONG. It pushes the emotional buttons of the other person to the point where they become defensive and stop listening to the feedback. Feedback like that does no one any good. The good news is that there are a few simple rules to follow to make the feedback you give easier for others to hear and accept.

    1) Pick The Right Time And Place

When you give corrective feedback to someone you are hoping that they are going to hear it, accept it and make the changes that you are suggesting. A very easy way to make that not happen is to choose the wrong time or place to give the feedback. Will they be more receptive to your feedback when they are still angry and emotional because of the mistake they’ve made, or after they’ve had a chance to calm down? Will it be easier for them to hear what you have to say at 5 PM on Friday or at 1030 am? Everyone’s different, but in general:

• Provide corrective feedback in private
• Pick a time when the other person is able to hear what you have to say.

    2) Give It For The Right Reason

Why are you giving the feedback? To help the other person, or to put them down? Ideally, it’s to help the other person learn, develop or grow. There are times, however, when we have to provide feedback that is more about influencing another person’s behavior than helping them to grow. We NEED them to do something differently for our reasons or because our role requires it. Even in those situations, it’s important to keep in mind that people do things for their reasons, not ours. Do your best to empathize and see things from their perspective. Then provide your feedback as gently and positively as possible

    3) Ask Before You Tell

Before you provide any feedback, make sure that you really know what the other person is experiencing. I was leading a seminar last year and the participants had developed ground rules for how the seminar should run. One of the ground rules was that participants wouldn’t use smartphones while the seminar was in session. As I was working with the group on the second day I couldn’t help but notice a guy sitting with his hands beneath his table texting furiously. My immediate reaction was to walk over to him and remind him of the ground rule. But instead of doing that – in front of the rest of the group – I bit my tongue and waited for a break. At the break, I went up to him and asked a question: “Is everything ok?” It turned out that everything was not ok. He was in from out-of-town and had gotten a text from his wife that morning that his mother had been taken to the hospital. If I had jumped the gun and started offering feedback before I knew the whole story I would have felt about 3 inches tall.

We see things from our own perspectives. It’s important to recognize that others have their own experiences and motivations and are seeing things through their own set of lenses. Without knowing how they see things, your feedback may miss its target. Before you point out what someone needs to do differently ask for information, in as nonjudgmental a way possible.

    4) Make Your Feedback Specific And Descriptive

A lot of feedback is offered in an accusatory, judgmental way. And it doesn’t get the results that the sender would like. Here’s an example of nonspecific and non-descriptive feedback:

“Janet you don’t seem committed to our project team.”

Is that specific and descriptive? Absolutely not! Commitment is an internal state. It’s about feelings and emotions. People don’t respond well to having their minds read, and most of us aren’t particularly good at it.

Try to focus your feedback on what the person did – their behaviors. Instead of “Janet you don’t seem committed to our project team.” , describe what Janet has done that has led you to that conclusion. You might say “ Janet I noticed that you left the room in the middle of the meeting this morning”; or “Janet I noticed that you were on your laptop, working on an expense report during the team meeting this morning”, or “Janet I noticed that you fell asleep during the project team meeting this morning.” All of those are more specific and descriptive. Did you see why? Because they focus on the person’s behavior, not their internal state, or feelings of motivations.

    5) Provide Examples Of The Behaviors

Sometimes (actually pretty often) when we are given feedback, even when it’s specific and behavioral, it’s hard to accept. So as a natural defense mechanism we deny – “I don’t do that”, “Who me?”. When you give feedback, help the person you are giving it to avoid denial. Provide them with specific examples of when they’ve engaged in the behavior: “Janet when you come late to our team meetings, like you did on Monday (example) and Friday (example).

    6) Use I-Messages To Own Your Perspective And Describe The Impact On You

For those of you who aren’t familiar with them, “I-messages are not about using your I-phone to text. A behavioral “I-message” is a less judgmental, less provocative way of getting part of your message across. It can be used to express an opinion or a feeling. It’ll be easier to understand if I contrast it with a you message.

You Message: “You made me angry when you came late to our project team meeting”.

Think about the potential impact of a You Message:

• It may feel like an attack
• It may feel as if you are blaming them for something
• It may hurt the other person’s feelings.

All of those potential impacts can lead to resistance. I-messages are less likely to have those negative impacts. Here’s an I-message for the same situation:

I-Message: “I got angry when you came late to our project team meeting”.

In some ways, the I-message is very similar to the first You Message. In another way it’s radically different. Did you notice how it’s different? It’s about ownership of the feelings. In the You Message I was pushing the ownership onto the other person. They caused me to be angry. With the I-message I accept ownership of my own feelings. That makes them easier for the other person to hear and accept. The real meaning of communication is in the impact that it has. I-messages have a less provocative, easier to accept impact.

    7) Link Their Behavior To Its Consequence

Once you’ve described the behavior that they’ve engaged in, provided examples and used I-Messages, the next step is to let them know why they should change by describing the natural negative consequences. In the project team meeting example from above, the natural consequences of Janet not attending team meetings might be

“We don’t get the benefit of your expertise when we are making decisions and we may make the wrong choice without your input. We could miss the target deadline.”

Not having the benefit of her expertise and making the wrong decisions are the natural consequences of Janet not being at the meeting. I’m trying to show her why she should change her behavior. Now, if Janet doesn’t care about the project — or about me for that matter — the consequences that I’ve described won’t have much of an impact. At least not the impact that I want. So I want to do my best to link a consequence that has a WIIFM – What’s In It For Me. In this case, what’s in it for Janet. If you can’t come up with one that is personally relevant use an organizational WIIFM. Missing the deadline matters to the organization. It’s an organizational WIIFM.

In The Real World

It may be difficult when you need to give corrective feedback to someone who matters to you in the real world to think back to this post and remember these guidelines. Luckily, there’s a simple little word chain that you can learn that will help you channel your feedback in the right direction. I call it Instant Feedback but its origins go all the way back to Thomas Gordon and his Leadership Effectiveness Training. Remember five words: When you, I feel, Because.

1. When you (Describe the behavior and provide examples)
2. I feel (Use an I message to own your perspective)
3. Because (Link the behavior to its impact)

So for our example, with the project team, it might look something like:

1. When you come late to our project team meetings, like you did on Thursday
2. I feel frustrated
3. Because we aren’t able to make well formed decisions without your input and I’m concerned that we won’t be able to meet our target deadlines.

It’s as simple as that. Remember those five words to give feedback that is easier for the other person to hear and accept. Try it with someone today! Download and use this FEEDBACK PLANNER to help organize your thoughts.

I was in Barbados conducting a leadership seminar. Nice work if you can get it, right? Especially since there was snow on the ground in Philly. I was having dinner at the open air restaurant on the second floor of the Hilton Resort looking out over a magnificent courtyard with pools, waterfalls and palm trees. It was beautiful! I watched a family of four – a Mom and Dad and two teenage kids – maneuver into the courtyard and select a centrally located table, pretty close to the pool and the trees. As they sat down, each one of them opened a device – laptops for the parents and tablets for the kids – and then they spent the next 45 minutes with their heads buried in their devices! Here they were in paradise, and they couldn’t even take advantage of it because of the virtual leash tying them to someone, somewhere else.

I’m sure you’ve seen it. Maybe you’ve done it. I know I have. Postponed the actual here and now, for the virtual world. And that’s a shame, because life is now. It’s in the moment. I’m not suggesting that you shouldn’t be planful or think of the future. They are both important to your long-term health and security. But you have to take advantage of the moments in your life – be they big or small. Because your life is made up of those moments.

My experience in Barbados tells me that has become increasingly challenging to do. You and I live in a world where we can be connected 24 / 7. It’s noisy and demanding and full of distractions. It’s incredibly easy to get caught up in those distractions, regardless of where you are – work or home, or even what you are doing – vacation in the Caribbean or in a gynecologists exam (yes really!) You may not even recognize that it’s happening to you until some later point in your life when you are able to get perspective. It can be difficult to see the whole picture if you are inside the frame.

I see its dangers, but I’m not immune to them either. I was in a restaurant with my extended family not long ago and found myself feeling compelled to glance at my phone, seemingly every five minutes. I had nothing pressing but there was still this urge to peek. I flashed back to that pool in Barbados – Was I too connected?

Are You Trying To Be More Productive? Or Not Miss Anything?

I know some of my personal connectivity issues have to do with trying to be productive. I have a lot going on. I run my own business and I have obligations that I have to meet and for some reason there are only 24 hours in the day. So I try to kill two birds with one stone. I try to multitask. I return emails while I am on a conference call or I work on an invoice as I have dinner with my wife. But I think I’m fooling myself.

The idea of being able to multitask well – perform two or more activities simultaneously at a high level – is kind of crazy. We only have so much attention. When we dilute it between multiple activities, none of them get our full attention, so our performance on each one is diminished. Psychiatrist Ed Hallowell uses a great analogy in his book Crazy Busy. Think about trying to play tennis with two balls simultaneously. Do you think it might affect your concentration? Put you off your game a bit?  That’s what happens when we multitask.

Multitasking may be motivated by positive intentions – the desire to be more productive, but what I saw in Barbados and experienced in my family dinner wasn’t really multitasking. It was what Linda Stone calls Continuous Partial Attention. CPA seems to draw its motivation from a different source than multitasking. While multitasking is about trying to be productive, CPA is about trying to be connected. It is about where we focus our attention.

“We want to effectively scan for opportunity and optimize for the best opportunities, activities, and contacts, in any given moment. To be busy, to be connected, is to be alive, to be recognized, and to matter. We pay continuous partial attention in an effort NOT TO MISS ANYTHING.” Linda Stone 

Our Smartphones, computers and tablets give us a connection so that we don’t have to miss anything. But trying not to miss anything means that we probably miss a lot. Our hyperconectivity can come with a cost:

• We can end up sending the wrong message to the people we interact with and care about
• It may dilute our attention and focus on tasks that have much higher levels of importance and as a consequence we may underperform on those tasks.
• It can have both physiological and psychological impacts, including: Anxiety, Stress, and Sleeplessness
• It can rob us of the joy of experiencing the moment – (Check out Matt Killingworth’s TED Talk)

 The Neurophysiology of CPA

I probably didn’t start out with the conscious goal of staying connected and not missing anything. It’s a habit – some would say an addiction – that develops beneath the surface of conscious thought. According to Neuroscience research, accomplishing a task or achieving a goal can excite the portion of the brain that secretes the neurotransmitter dopamine into the pleasure centers of the brain. We then experience the activity as being pleasurable and like a mouse in a Skinner Box we become conditioned to do it over and over again.

Studies show that many of us experience that reaction when we interact with our Smartphone. It can become a powerful compulsion. That same Dopamine reaction that I experience checking my phone every five minutes is the basis for smoking, gambling and even drug addiction. In the U.S. the public locations where you can smoke, gamble or take drugs can be pretty limited. But that Smartphone is probably with you everywhere you go. Ready to provide that little jolt of dopamine.

How Do You Feel When You Are Not Connected?

I carry a constant connection to the world around with me. If I forget my phone I feel cut off and disconnected. Researchers at Iowa State University have developed a questionnaire designed to gauge how much anxiety we experience about not being connected. Here are a sampling of the questions. Go ahead, give yourself a rating. The researchers used a 7 point scale from (1) Strongly Disagree to (7) Strongly Agree

• I would feel uncomfortable without constant access to information through my smartphone.
• I would be annoyed if I could not look information up on my smartphone when I wanted to do so.
• I would be annoyed if I could not use my smartphone and/or its capabilities when I wanted to do so.
• Running out of battery in my smartphone would scare me.
• If I could not check my smartphone for a while, I would feel a desire to check it.

If I did not have my smartphone with me …


• I would feel nervous because I would not be able to receive text messages and calls.
• I would be anxious because I could not keep in touch with my family and/or friends.
• I would be nervous because I would be disconnected from my online identity.
• I would be uncomfortable because I could not stay up-to-date with social media and online networks.
• I would feel weird because I would not know what to do.

We were talking about building relationships in a personal leadership seminar I was teaching and Rachel brought up an interesting issue. She had been working hard to build a positive work relationship with one of her colleagues, but despite her best efforts, she didn’t feel that she had made much progress. She felt a bit frustrated and discouraged. She’d done everything she could think of, including grand gestures to win this person over, and despite his “thanks for the help” he always reverted back to the same apparent lack of interest. She was wondering what she was doing wrong and if it was a hopeless case.

I bet that many of you have found yourself in similar situations. It’s tricky isn’t it? You need to have a positive relationship with the person. You have to work closely with them. Maybe your livelihood depends on them. But it seems as if you are in a one way relationship. You are the only one putting in the effort. You don’t want to come off as fawning or worse yet, as a looking like a stalker, but you need to work closely with this person. The quality of your relationship with them will affect your ability to get your job done. How much energy should you put into it? When should you throttle back and devote your time and resources elsewhere?

I think I’ve been to that rodeo once or twice. Let me offer a few hard-won ideas to try to put the situation into perspective.

#1: Don’t take it personally – remember it’s more about them than you

It can be natural to ask yourself “what’s wrong with me?” when a relationship seems one-sided. It’s important to recognize that their apparent lack of interest may be much more about them than about you. People are wired differently. We have different personalities, preferences and needs. Rachel is a people person. She has a need to create connections. She comes across as warm and caring and I suspect that she goes out of her way to help people. It’s a natural part of her personality. Many of us have a different operating system. I am more naturally task focused than people oriented. I like people just fine, but my instinctive reaction in group discussions or when solving a problem is to attack the task or the issue as if there is a right and a wrong answer. I intuitively ask questions and advance ideas to try to get to that “right” answer. I’ve learned over the years that while I may genuinely like and care for someone, my approach can come across as cold or uncaring to someone like Rachel. I’ve come to realize that the people side is always part of the equation and that in order to solve problems and make decisions in the world of work I have to not only give it equal attention, I have to demonstrate my interest and caring in every conversation. It took me a long time to reach that point. It doesn’t sound as if Rachel’s colleague has gotten there yet.

#2 Identify what type of relationship you want

What does a positive work relationship mean to you? Think about our ultimate relationship commitment – marriage. There are different types of marriages, from the couple who do everything together, to the pair who cohabitate and co-parent but have little emotional intimacy. Marriages come in different flavors, as do business relationships. Here are some of the different types and levels of work relationships:

• Contact Relationship – You and the other person have met. You know one another’s names and (maybe) faces, but you have low levels of interaction, intimacy and trust.
• Exchange Relationship – From time to time you need something from one another. Trust is relatively low so you operate on a quid pro quo basis conducting informal negotiations to exchange resources. There’s little contact or intimacy beyond those resource exchanges.
• Transactional Relationship – You work together on a regular basis. Your interactions are task focused, but there is little social or emotional connection beyond the surface. Trust is limited to the transactions that you normally engage in.
• Advisory Relationship – You work closely with the other person. The relationship has moderate to high degrees of trust and low to moderate levels of intimacy. Usually the other person has a higher level of positional power or organizational status.
• Collaborative Relationship – You work together closely on a regular or project basis. The relationship is between two equals who recognize their need to work together. Your interactions with the other person are based on both respect for their abilities and a genuine regard. There are moderate to high levels of trust. You may socialize occasionally.
• Partnership – You and the other person both recognize your mutual interdependence and need to work closely together. You know one another well and both feel a responsibility for maintaining the relationship. You socialize together regularly and share a mutual respect and high levels of trust.

Think about one of your relationships. What level of relationship are you hoping for with the person? What level would still be workable? Where is it now?  The deeper the level, the more time and energy you will have to devote to building and maintaining it.

#3 Benchmark Where The Relationship Is Now

It’s always important to know where you are starting from, so that you can get to where you want to go. The first step in improving a relationship is to take stock and identify what’s working and what’s not.Take a good look at one of your current relationships. How do you assess its’ current health? Does the other person:

• See you as competent?
• Solicit your advice and give it weight?
• Trust you?
• Like you?
• Openly share information with you?
• Treat you as you want to be treated?
• Support you with others? Do they have your back?
• Forgive you when you make a mistake?
• See you as an equal?
• Give you what you need from them on the business / task issues?
• Give you what you need from them on the socio-emotional issues?
• Seem to truly value the relationship?

How would the other person rate your side of the relationship?

The qualities I’ve described above are characteristic of a pretty deep work relationship – collaborative or partnership. Lower levels of relationships will have fewer of the characteristics. But it’s helpful to identify where you are and where you aspire to be in the relationship

What do you like about your current relationship? What’s going well? Where is it falling short? What would you like to change about the relationship?

#4 Make a conscious decision about how much to invest in the relationship

Deeper relationships require more time and emotional investments. How much are you willing to invest? That decision probably depends in part on how important, and necessary, you see the relationship as being in terms of accomplishing your work goals.

But it’s not just you. Consider the other person. How much are they willing to invest? Relationships are two way streets. If only one side is interested, the depth of the relationship will be limited. Here are some of the requirements for a deeper work relationship:

• A desire for a relationship
• Appreciation of strengths and differences
• Genuineness & transparency
• Positive intent: The classic win / win mindset

The requirements aren’t enough on their own. Think of them as your ticket to the dance. They make a deeper relationship possible, but on their own they don’t ensure a great work relationship.

So does the relationship you’ve been thinking of meet all four of the requirements? If not, consider making some changes.  How about the other person? If they’re lacking any of those requirements, consider it a relationship red light. The deeper levels of positive work relationship probably aren’t going to be possible.

Consider what level of relationships is possible and make a decision about how much time to invest. If the requirements are in place for both sides, consider that the green light. Start investing time and effort in moving up the ladder of work relationships.

Susan had worked hard to become Principal at Walden Elementary School. She had paid her dues as a teacher for 10 years while she completed a Doctorate in Education. She took over as Principal three years earlier and she hit the ground running. She had friends on the staff and she cared passionately about the children. She wanted what was best for each one of them. Now here she was today, in front of all of her students, their parents and their teachers having to say goodbye. She had lost her job. Her last words to them in the goodbye assembly were “My intentions were always to do what was best for the children”.

There were probably a number of contributing factors that led to this moment. It’s very seldom just a single issue. But one of the factors contributing to Susan’s abrupt end may go back to a gap between her intentions and how her team saw those intentions.

Good Intentions?

I think that Leaders usually have positive intentions. They do what they do because they think that they are doing the right thing. And it’s not just leaders is it? Very few of us do the wrong things intentionally. Nobody goes home in the evening and brags to their significant other about how they “really made everyone’s life a living hell that day”. Do they? And yet it sometimes seems that way to the people with whom we work.

One of the problems is that other people can’t see our positive intentions. What they see – of course – are our behaviors. And then they climb what Chris Argyris called the Ladder of Inference. They see our behaviors, make assumptions and draw conclusions about why we are doing what we are doing. And then they act on those conclusions. If we are lucky, they recognize our good intentions. More often, they decipher our behavior through their own filters and arrive at an interpretation that may not be reflective of what we intended. When I offer a suggestion to one of my kids I’m trying (most of the time) to help them do something better and to be more successful. They don’t always see it that way. If I’m not careful, they can interpret it as criticism or even as an attack. And then they respond based on their interpretation. Either they get defensive, or maybe they push back and counter attack.

Susan’s good intentions didn’t always come through to her staff. She wanted what was best for each individual child. She advocated for them. She pushed her teachers to put the needs of the child first. All admirable motives. Her team saw her behaviors through a different lens. She was seen as unrealistic, as too demanding, as being non-supportive and autocratic.

It’s important to recognize that the gap between intention and perception is a two-way street. It not only affected how the teachers saw her, but also how Susan interpreted their actions. Increasingly, she saw the behaviors of her staff as being resistant to her direction (probably not wrong there). When they brought up concerns, she interpreted their questions and ideas as reflecting a lack of motivation and commitment to the children. Or, as being an attack on her leadership. And she of course responded by pushing and advocating even harder. Until the whole thing spiraled out of control and she lost the good will of the team, and ultimately her job.

It didn’t have to be that way. Having good intentions is a great start. But it’s not enough. You have to constantly work to ensure that the people you interact with – at work or at home – perceive those good intentions.

It Starts With You: Be Aware Of Your Own Motives And Intentions

Human beings are pretty complex. We have different levels. Some of the levels are sitting up close to the surface and are easy to recognize while others are pushed further down into our subconscious. We may not be completely aware of them. We may have an intention that is clear as day to us, around which we focus much of our attention and energy. It’s also likely that we have other intentions, secondary aspirations and needs that are also influencing our behaviors and that are less clear to us.

Susan’s primary intention focused on doing what was best for the children in her school. But it appears that there were a variety of other intentions and motives influencing her behavior. She wanted respect. She worked hard to gain the credentials that she thought would provide that respect. She wanted her school to be the best in the district, to outperform the other elementary schools on the metrics that were used to gauge their performance. She wanted to be right. I don’t know for sure, but I suspect that her awareness of her own motivations and intentions was, at best, incomplete. Without that self-awareness, Susan’s behaviors were probably influenced in a variety of unconscious ways by those secondary intentions. She acted in ways that probably sent mixed messages to her stakeholders. Creating alignment between our intentions and how others perceive them begins with self-awareness.

Increase The Accuracy of Their Perceptions

As much as possible, you have to make those good intentions transparent. Transparency doesn’t mean over exposure or too much information. Transparency is about being appropriately open and honest about why you are doing what you are doing. It is about taking the time and making the effort to explain why you took an action – even a simple one – so that people’s perceptions of your behavior are more in line with your intentions. For example, if you are a working with your office door closed today, don’t assume that the team understands it is because you’ve been slammed with a last-minute request from your boss. They may very well have come to their own conclusions about why you are behind closed doors today: He’s working on layoff’s, She’s antisocial, She thinks she’s better than everyone else, He’s looking for a new job. In the absence of the truth, people will fill in the blanks and come to their own conclusions. Susan’s staff often described her as being, “hard to read”. For ongoing, mutually interdependent relationships, that can’t be a good thing.

Take Responsibility For Both Sides

The quality of your communication matters. There is always the potential for ambiguity and misunderstanding. Recognize the challenge and go out of your way to make your communication clear and specific. It’s better to over-communicate than to mis-communicate.

Take responsibility for checking to ensure that the person you are talking to really did understand what you meant. To do that, ask clarifying questions (remember to make the intentions behind those questions clear) and really listens to the answers you receive. If their understanding is off target, circle back and reframe your explanation. Don’t rationalize that “it’s their responsibility to ask questions if they are unclear”. It’s in your interests to make sure that they are clear. Remember their perceptions become their reality. Their response and behavior will be in alignment with that reality. Their behavior matters to you. It’s up to you to make sure that their reality is accurate.

Recognize That No One Has To Do What You Want Just Because You Want It

Most of us are mutually dependent with our colleagues, direct reports and the people senior to us in our organizations. All of those people represent potential stakeholders. Clarifying your intentions and ensuring that they perceive you accurately are fantastic starters. But they may not be enough.

Recognize that their commitment matters. They are volunteers in your life. Even if you are their Boss, they don’t have to do anything they don’t want to do. They have a choice. They can just go though the motions or they can give you their discretionary effort. The way you work with your stakeholders will either affirm your intentions and lead to their support and commitment or create a misalignment which can lead to lowered trust and resistance. The old adage “actions speak louder than words” is true more often than not. Susan’s intentions never really rang true to her staff, at Walden Elementary School, in part because of her behaviors. She was much more inclined to tell rather than to ask. She was quick to point out areas that needed improvement and there were always areas that needed improvement. She wanted it her way and any challenge to her way was met with a hammer.

There are a great many things to say about gaining commitment. I’ll be posting a variety of tools and ideas about influencing and commitment in the future. For now let me offer some very simple, very basic advice. Recognize that everybody you interact with has a choice. They can believe you – or not; they can do what you ask – or just give you lip service; they can level with you – or present a façade. Think before you act. Ask before you tell. Give people a reason to decide in your favor. Try to see the people you work with as partners, not obstacles. Value them! Operate from the perspective that “true influence means doing something with people, not doing it to them.”